Saturday, June 14, 2008

David Stern Smells Like Jew.

Inspired by Detroit Browne's mostest post in FRD history and prior conversations with friends, mainly while drunk, I have decided to compile a list myself. The idea of smelliest players in any given sport has been a topic of great discussion amongst ourselves for quite some time now. I believe the most credit goes to fellow FRD blogger, Coach Pops. In honor of the NBA Finals I will start my quest with the National Basketball Association, a league which, in my opinion, has a huge number of dirtbags. The game is played by very large, very sweaty men who have their armpits exposed while they are playing. I can only imagine what some of these monsters smell like. In fact, a term that I use all the time, "Duck Butter", was brought to my attention by former NBA player Ron Harper. Duck Butter, for those not familiar, is very simply, the thick, cream-like sweat that accumulates on one's testicles. The exact conversation between Mr. Harper and a good friend of mine who used to caddy for him at a golf course in Cleveland went like this:

Ron: Hey kid, you want some duck butter?

Caddy: Umm, what is that?

Ron: It's ball sweat. Shit. [Reaches into pants, fiddles around, reaches back out for a handshake. Laughs.]

Classy dude, that Ron Harper.

5. Manu Ginobili

Manu, although he himself is not European, looks like your typical piece of Euro-trash. Euro-trash are known for their affinity of not bathing and sweating way too much. Not a good combination. He is however from Argentina which is basically Mexico South and Mexico smells like horrible. Add this to the fact that Manu spends a large amount of time falling down and rolling around on the court, which I can only assume he does in his everyday life as well. Sweaty foreigners who like to roll around in mud, dog poop, or whatever unmentionables are found on city streets, probably don't smell like roses.

Most Likely Smells Like: Shitty Cologne, Foreigner Sweat, South American Prison, Tim Duncan's Taint.

4. Adam Morrison

Adam Morrison probably hasn't bathed since his Gonzaga team lost to UCLA in the 2006 NCAA Tournament. He sees it as bad luck. It seems to be working out for him so far. My mom always told me to never judge a book by it's cover, but in this case he looks like shit so he must smell like it as well. It's simply the transitive property. Adam Morrison also has the least developed sense of smell in the NBA, which is why he can't smell the left over Taco Bell on his 'stache.

Most Likely Smells Like: Exhaust of a 1986 Trans Am, Failure, Classic Rock, Winston Cigarettes, Larry Bird's ejaculate.

3. Dikembe Mutombo

Now, I know I shouldn't poke fun at Dike. I'm sure he's a great guy, but let's be honest here, poor people smell. That's not racism or classism, it's fucking fact. Not to say there aren't rich people who don't smell, but as a whole, the lower class is the smelliest class. Ask anyone from India. While Mutombo isn't poor anymore, he spent so much time in Zaire that he basically marinated in the stench. You've seen those kids on the commercials about sending pennies for shoes or some shit, they have flies all over them. Flies aren't attracted to things that smell good. That was Dikembe Mutombo before he came to Georgetown to be a doctor. You can take the man out of Zaire, but you can't get the Zaire-stink out of the man. Plus, people who go to schools like Georgetown are usually douchebags. And douchebags smell. The first time Dikembe used his now legendary line "Who wants to sex Mutombo?" was actually back in his native country. It was after his tribe's mating ritual where the man covers his penis in bat guano and the urine of the tribe's elders, in order to attract a mate. I think there was a rain dance or something too.

Most Likely Smells Like: The Struggle, Foreign Aid, Elephant Poop, Upper Middle Class Elitism, Sally Struthers' Leftovers.

2. Chris Kaman

Chris Kaman is a caveman. It isn't some ironic nickname because Kaman and Caveman are similar words. Look at this goon. He's fucking horrible looking. I think that Chris has just given up. He just flat out doesn't give a shit anymore. "I'm in the NBA. I have millions of dollars. Fuck bathing." So he did. Now, I know what you are saying "Just because he's ugly doesn't mean he smells bad." Yes it does. Beautiful people smell like a winter's evening and a puppy's love put together and topped with freshly cleaned laundry. Ugly people smell like cheap booze, broken dreams, sawdust and fast food.

Most Likely Smells Like: Slight Albinism, Cattle, Boone's Farm, That fish smell that happens throughout the Midwest after it rains.

1. Zach Randolph

It is somewhat surprising that this fat slob is an NBA player. It will not be surprising though when he gets arrested in the next 6 months for something totally fucking retarded. It will probably involve a stripper. Again. This could just be a case of me pointing out a fat, black man and saying "He smells." But let's face the facts here, a fat man is far more likely to smell bad and a skinny one. I very easily could have put Glen Davis or Kendrick Perkins here, but Zach Randolph gets the nod because he is bat shit crazy. He also plays in New York City which, aside from Little Rock, Arkansas, is the worst smelling place in the United States.

Most Likely Smells Like: A Strip Club at 6am, Homelessness, Soul Food, Poor Decision Making, Patrick Ewing

The NBA's All-Time Stinkbags:

Robert Parish, Magic Johnson, Robert "Tractor" Traylor, Bryant Reeves, Rudy Tomjanovich, Larry Nance, Patrick Ewing, Bill Walton.

If you the loyal FRD reader (aka FRD writer) can think of anyone that I missed, please feel free to let me know. Hopefully I can continue doing nothing at work and can follow this up in a timely fashion.


Coach Pops Chambers said...

Are you saying that my theory that Michael Vick's musk insprired such an article?

Rev. Woodrow Morris said...

Yes. I am.

ballgame said...

fucking brilliant

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