Sunday, June 15, 2008

Montage Monday VII

After skipping a week Montage Monday is back, and I have to say I'm pretty happy with both of this weeks selections.  

This first one doesn't have a ton to do with sports, but it's very current. It's a Tim Russert clip and with with his death and this being fathers day, it's honestly one of the saddest things I've watched. Not that I had any personal connection to Russert, but he seemed like a good guy and I'll admit to being a little bummed about his death. We're also rocking a bit of a fathers day theme this week. This video is really well done, I highly suggest watching the entire thing.

Before I get to the second clip I want to comment on the US Open and it ties in nicely with the clip. It is without a doubt my favorite sunday in golf and probably a top 5 sporting event day for me. While the 18-hole playoff system is pretty cool and unique, I'll admit it takes a little of the event. Tiger Woods is probably the greatest golfer of all-time, a fact I will contest but ultimately concede. However, I will be rooting against him as much as possible tomorrow. Having somehow been in a position to meet a large number of professional golfers, I can attest to Rocco being one of the nicest and most personable I have come in contact with.

As for the video, it's a Nike clip from two years ago, right after Earl Woods had died. It's probably the best commercial of all time in my opinion and I'm not sure it's even selling anything. Enjoy.  

Saturday, June 14, 2008

David Stern Smells Like Jew.

Inspired by Detroit Browne's mostest post in FRD history and prior conversations with friends, mainly while drunk, I have decided to compile a list myself. The idea of smelliest players in any given sport has been a topic of great discussion amongst ourselves for quite some time now. I believe the most credit goes to fellow FRD blogger, Coach Pops. In honor of the NBA Finals I will start my quest with the National Basketball Association, a league which, in my opinion, has a huge number of dirtbags. The game is played by very large, very sweaty men who have their armpits exposed while they are playing. I can only imagine what some of these monsters smell like. In fact, a term that I use all the time, "Duck Butter", was brought to my attention by former NBA player Ron Harper. Duck Butter, for those not familiar, is very simply, the thick, cream-like sweat that accumulates on one's testicles. The exact conversation between Mr. Harper and a good friend of mine who used to caddy for him at a golf course in Cleveland went like this:

Ron: Hey kid, you want some duck butter?

Caddy: Umm, what is that?

Ron: It's ball sweat. Shit. [Reaches into pants, fiddles around, reaches back out for a handshake. Laughs.]

Classy dude, that Ron Harper.

5. Manu Ginobili

Manu, although he himself is not European, looks like your typical piece of Euro-trash. Euro-trash are known for their affinity of not bathing and sweating way too much. Not a good combination. He is however from Argentina which is basically Mexico South and Mexico smells like horrible. Add this to the fact that Manu spends a large amount of time falling down and rolling around on the court, which I can only assume he does in his everyday life as well. Sweaty foreigners who like to roll around in mud, dog poop, or whatever unmentionables are found on city streets, probably don't smell like roses.

Most Likely Smells Like: Shitty Cologne, Foreigner Sweat, South American Prison, Tim Duncan's Taint.

4. Adam Morrison

Adam Morrison probably hasn't bathed since his Gonzaga team lost to UCLA in the 2006 NCAA Tournament. He sees it as bad luck. It seems to be working out for him so far. My mom always told me to never judge a book by it's cover, but in this case he looks like shit so he must smell like it as well. It's simply the transitive property. Adam Morrison also has the least developed sense of smell in the NBA, which is why he can't smell the left over Taco Bell on his 'stache.

Most Likely Smells Like: Exhaust of a 1986 Trans Am, Failure, Classic Rock, Winston Cigarettes, Larry Bird's ejaculate.

3. Dikembe Mutombo

Now, I know I shouldn't poke fun at Dike. I'm sure he's a great guy, but let's be honest here, poor people smell. That's not racism or classism, it's fucking fact. Not to say there aren't rich people who don't smell, but as a whole, the lower class is the smelliest class. Ask anyone from India. While Mutombo isn't poor anymore, he spent so much time in Zaire that he basically marinated in the stench. You've seen those kids on the commercials about sending pennies for shoes or some shit, they have flies all over them. Flies aren't attracted to things that smell good. That was Dikembe Mutombo before he came to Georgetown to be a doctor. You can take the man out of Zaire, but you can't get the Zaire-stink out of the man. Plus, people who go to schools like Georgetown are usually douchebags. And douchebags smell. The first time Dikembe used his now legendary line "Who wants to sex Mutombo?" was actually back in his native country. It was after his tribe's mating ritual where the man covers his penis in bat guano and the urine of the tribe's elders, in order to attract a mate. I think there was a rain dance or something too.

Most Likely Smells Like: The Struggle, Foreign Aid, Elephant Poop, Upper Middle Class Elitism, Sally Struthers' Leftovers.

2. Chris Kaman

Chris Kaman is a caveman. It isn't some ironic nickname because Kaman and Caveman are similar words. Look at this goon. He's fucking horrible looking. I think that Chris has just given up. He just flat out doesn't give a shit anymore. "I'm in the NBA. I have millions of dollars. Fuck bathing." So he did. Now, I know what you are saying "Just because he's ugly doesn't mean he smells bad." Yes it does. Beautiful people smell like a winter's evening and a puppy's love put together and topped with freshly cleaned laundry. Ugly people smell like cheap booze, broken dreams, sawdust and fast food.

Most Likely Smells Like: Slight Albinism, Cattle, Boone's Farm, That fish smell that happens throughout the Midwest after it rains.

1. Zach Randolph

It is somewhat surprising that this fat slob is an NBA player. It will not be surprising though when he gets arrested in the next 6 months for something totally fucking retarded. It will probably involve a stripper. Again. This could just be a case of me pointing out a fat, black man and saying "He smells." But let's face the facts here, a fat man is far more likely to smell bad and a skinny one. I very easily could have put Glen Davis or Kendrick Perkins here, but Zach Randolph gets the nod because he is bat shit crazy. He also plays in New York City which, aside from Little Rock, Arkansas, is the worst smelling place in the United States.

Most Likely Smells Like: A Strip Club at 6am, Homelessness, Soul Food, Poor Decision Making, Patrick Ewing

The NBA's All-Time Stinkbags:

Robert Parish, Magic Johnson, Robert "Tractor" Traylor, Bryant Reeves, Rudy Tomjanovich, Larry Nance, Patrick Ewing, Bill Walton.

If you the loyal FRD reader (aka FRD writer) can think of anyone that I missed, please feel free to let me know. Hopefully I can continue doing nothing at work and can follow this up in a timely fashion.

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

If I were to name my penis after a professional athlete...

This post is kind of strange but the type of shit me and my friends talk about.  This post is just a continuation of a conversation I actually had.  So if I were to name my dick after professional athletes these are some possible choices as well as explanations.

Magic Johnson- because it keeps getting fatter as I get older and it is filled with AIDS. Also, note the pun with the word "johnson."

Ryan Leaf- It has a lot of natural talent, but it doesn't have the head to play the game at the highest level.  

Cedric Benson- It peaked in college and now has alcohol problems.  

Big Brown- It's good for 2 out of 3 and is also descriptive of physical appearance.  

A-ROD- It looks pretty and can put up some big numbers, but can't perform in big spots. Rod is also a pun.  

Usaine Bolt-I get it done at world record speeds and the race lasts about 9 seconds.  

Jim Brown- Because it's militant and is looking for a career in show business.  

John Mackey- because it can't remember much of its career.  

Dick Butkus- This one is just outrageous.  Dick is an obvious choice.  Butkus sounds like butt kiss which is a joke on itself.  And it's also mean with a little bit of a mustache.  

Dwayne Wade- The girls like it, but its overrated.  

Mean Joe Greene- It's mean, big and green because of an STD.  

Kerry Wood- Its reputation is based off a performance from 10 years ago.  Wood is also a bit of a pun.  

That's all for now, but try and think of some of your own.  This may become a regular segment on the blog. 

Monday, June 2, 2008

My plans for Wednesday include...

Go Wings etc...

Bolt Breaks The Record

I'm not sure how much press this story's going to get. A man by the name of Usain Bolt, incidentally a very fitting name at that, broke the world record in the 100 meter dash on May 31st, running it in 9.72 seconds. I found this interesting for a handful of reasons, none of which more depressing than the fact that there is yet another world class athlete who I'm older than. More importantly, I think the sport of running itself could get a little bit of the spotlight with the right person to market. Bolt now has the #1 and the #3 fastest times in the 100 meter in the history of recorded racing and he doesn't even turn 22 until August. In addition to his 100 meter accomplishments, he was also the fastest junior ever to run the 200 meter in 2004, and in 2007, Bolt broke the all-time record for the 200 meter race with a mark of 19.75 . The Kenyans have the marathons under wraps, but Bolt is claiming the sprints for Jamaicans everywhere. Below is the video of the record setting race...

Montage Monday VI

Before I get into the montages for this week, let me address the somewhat lack of new material on this site and state that I'll be adding some new stuff to the site pretty frequently here this week- some maybe good, some maybe bad, but we'll see how it goes. I'm not sure anyone is reading either way. Now to the videos.

The first one isn't sports related at all. It's really is the gold standard by which all other montage videos should be judged. It's the "in memory" clip they show every year at the oscars. I'll be honest I never have any idea who half the people are, but they are just exceptionally produced. A sports version of this would be incredible.

The second one here is obviously influenced by the Red Wings being on the cusp of a stanley cup championship. I would write more on the subject, but I'm as neurotic a sports fan as you will meet and wouldn't dare to jinx them before they have this thing wrapped up. Anyways, 2008 marks the 10 year anniversary of the wings 98 cup championship. This is special for a couple of reasons as they repeated as champions, had a great emotional story with the "believe" thing going, and it marked the start of the summer after 7th grade for me- which I truly believe was my peak. Lots of great memories with this one.