Saturday, October 18, 2008

The Worst Season Preview Ever

I initially intended on doing a full preview for both conferences for the upcoming NHL season. But, turns out I'm lazy. Plus the season already started. Here's the half assed version.

Western Conference

    Division Winners

        Detroit - This team is too stacked. On paper.

        San Jose - The Pacific will be tighter than your sister's vag all year long. The Sharks come out on top. Evgeni Nabokov isn't human.

        Calgary - The Northwest isn't very good this year. You could pick any one of those teams and have it seem logical.

    Surprise Team - Phoenix Coyotes

        This team will make the playoffs this year in a very good Western Conference. The easy "surprise" team to pick would be Chicago, but I'm not buying into them just yet. Phoenix has great young talent, veteran leadership in guys like Shane Doan, and they added Olli Jokinen in the offseason. I might also be the only person not related to him to think that Ilya Bryzgalov could potentially be a top 10 goaltender in the league. Edmonton could turn some heads as well.

    Western Conference Champion - San Jose Sharks

           Yeah. I said it. The playoffs are a totally different monster than the regular season. Lost in all the "OMG Detroit is, like, sooooo good. Lolz!!1!" bullshit is the fact that this San Jose team is fucking good.

    Eastern Conference

        Division Winners

            Montreal - Cary Price is disgusting. Alexei Kovalev is underrated in the Tim Duncan sense.

            Pittsburgh - Blah, blah, blah, no Hossa, blah, blah, injuries, blah, blah, Stanley Cup hangover, blah, blah. Suck dick.

            Washington - This team could win the East. Their defense is extremely underrated.

        Surprise Team - Buffalo Sabres

            Picking a surprise team in the East isn't really that much of a stretch. Outside of the top 4 or 5 teams, it's wide open. Mainly because the rest of the East kind of sucks. I'm picking Buffalo to surprise some people and beat out Boston for a playoff spot from the Northeast division. Most people are saying Tampa Bay will make the playoffs in a weak conference and an even weaker division but I'm not seeing that because Tampa sucks. Ryan Malone will score less than 50 points this season. Write that down. Even though I just did. Teams don't make the playoffs having 3 goal scorers, overpaid middle of the pack talent and one of those Shooter Tutors in net. Buffalo is where it's at. Carolina could do something too.

        Eastern Conference Champion - Pittsburgh Penguins Washington Capitals

              I'm drinking the Kool Aid. If Jose Theodore plays well, this team will rack up a ton of gimme points playing in the Nascar Division. Granted, that could be a huge "if". I'm not buying into the Don Cherry way of thinking that Alexander Ovechkin will fall off this year. Cherry is an idiot and should probably go choke down a shotgun barrell. I'll also catch way too much shit for picking the Penguins even though they are best team in the Eastern Conference. Like it or not, it's true. Deal with it.

Stanley Cup Champions - San Jose over Washington in 6.

President's Trophy - Detroit - They get to play Columbus, Nashville, Chicago and St. Louis more than anyone else in the league. Second round upset to Dallas.

Hart Trophy - Sidney Crosby, Pittsburgh - Yeah. Fuck off.

Vezina Trophy - Evgeni Nabokov, San Jose - If the Sharks do as well as I think they will this year, then he'll need to be huge. Martin Brodeur is a cock gobbler.

Lady Bing Trophy - Some pussy. Probably from Detroit.

Calder Trophy - Kyle Turris, Phoenix - The easy pick would be Steve Stamkos, but fuck him. Melrose is a terrible coach and it's going to hurt him. I'll take Turris, Alex Goligoski (since he's getting a ton of responsibility with Gonchar and Whitney being out), and Stamkos as my top three.

Art Ross Trophy - Crosby. Point machine.

Norris Trophy - Nicklas Lidstrom, Detroit- He'll win this award every year until he retires. You can talk about Dion Phaneuf all you want. Until Lidstrom hangs em up, no one else should, or will, win this thing.

Rocket Richard Trophy - Rick Nash, Columbus - There isn't anyone else on that team who can score and sooner or later Nash has to get really pissed off about this and just start shooting the puck 100 times a game.