C'mon Braden, Our Line Starts

Sadly, our namesake, Paul Newman passed away today at the age of 83. To say that he was a great actor and a great human being would be a wild understatement. His acting resume is unreal. His Newman's Own brand has contributed over $250 million to charity. Not to mention he was from Cleveland so I've always felt some sort of connection to him. 

In honor of his passing, Fire Reggie Dunlop will be sporting the memorial black armband at the top of the page. I will also get drunk and watch Slap Shot and Cool Hand Luke at least 5 times each this weekend. I recommend that everyone else do the same. So long, Reg.

Shitting On Someone Else's Lawn

I figure since we basically stole the title for this blog from some other blog of a similar name, I might as well steal the basis for their blog as well. Only I like hockey better than baseball. I also recently read an article by Damien Cox of the Toronto Star that made me confused. A little angry. Kind of hungry. Mostly confused. Anyways, you may have seen this done before only funnier than how I'm about to do it.

The Pittsburgh Penguins didn't win the Stanley Cup last spring.

Thanks, dick.

But they sure paid for the visit to the final.

Nothing in life is free.

In massive new contracts for Evgeni Malkin (five years, $43.5 million), goalie Marc-Andre Fleury (seven years, $35 million) and defenceman Brooks Orpik (six years, $22.5 million), the Pens no longer boast a relatively affordable roster of young, improving players.

Oh, you were talking contracts, not hotel rooms. How long is this young, improving talent supposed to play for the league minimum by the way? Over the course of their entry level contract, you say? Well those expired and the Penguins made sure they didn't go anywhere. Like Toronto.

They still have the young players and they may well all still be improving.

That's sort of the idea. They will still have these young players for many years.

But affordable? Well, just. The formerly bankrupt Penguins, who host the Maple Leafs in exhibition play tomorrow night, are pushing right up against the NHL's $56 million salary cap.

Yes. The Penguins are pushing up against the salary cap. That's the purpose of a salary cap. Good teams spend up to but not over the cap. But why bring up the fact that the Penguins were bankrupt? They have money now. They are spending it on very good hockey players. They also won the Eastern Conference last year. You may know it as the conference where the Maple Leafs finished 12th.

There's no turning back now.

Darn tootin'.

GM Ray Shero has committed to a group of players that includes Malkin, Fleury, Orpik, captain Sidney Crosby and defenceman Ryan Whitney, all of whom are 27 or younger and are now locked up through the 2012-13 season. By next summer, they'll be joined by forward Jordan Staal, who is slated to become a restricted free agent in June.

Exactly. This is why the Penguins will probably be good for a while.

The cost of paying so much to so few, as Tampa Bay found out with its now disbanded Big Three, will be instability and yearly turnover with the other 60 per cent of the roster.

Correct, the Penguins will have "yearly turnover" for role players, grinders and general 3rd and 4th line talent. However, all their good young players, the core of the team, aren't going anywhere until at least 2013. You just said so yourself.

As for "paying so much for so few", each one of those aforementioned players has signed for less than market value. Sidney Crosby and Evgeni Malkin will make on average $8.7 million each year. Two years from now, when presumably long term deals will begin to hurt a team financially, Vincent Lecavalier will make $10 million. He will continue to make that much each year until 2016. Ryan Whitney stands to make about $4.5 million a year until 2013. Ron Hainsey makes more than that. Brooks Orpik took a 6 year deal with Pittsburgh that will pay him $3.75 million a year. Nearly the exact same deal given to Mike Commodore and Brad Stuart.

This summer, the Pens lost unrestricted forwards Gary Roberts, Ryan Malone, Jarkko Ruutu, Marian Hossa, Georges Laraque and Adam Hall, as well as goalie Ty Conklin.

Let's break this down player by player with their 2007-08 regular season and postseason stats with the Penguins:

Marian Hossa - (3G, 7A, 10P - 12G, 14A, 26P) - Hossa was a rental. Pittsburgh hoped he wouldn't be, but it is clear now Marian Hossa was a rental player. He also only played in 12 regular season games for the Penguins. Was he instrumental in the Penguins going 12-2 through the Eastern Conference playoffs? Absolutely. But, the Penguins were 2nd in the East without him. Without Marian Hossa the Penguins still win the East, only they go 6 or 7 games with both the Rangers and Flyers. Remember, he only played in 12 fucking games with the Penguins before the playoff run. His offensive production doesn't need to really be replaced.

Gary Roberts - (3G 12A 15P - 2G 2A 4P) - He's old. He was a healthy scratch throughout the playoffs. Big deal.

Ryan Malone - (27G 24A 51P - 6G 10A 16P) - Malone was a great heart guy for the Pens this past year. He is also set to make $4.5 million a year until 2015. He has never scored more than 27 goals in one season. The Penguins let the overpaid guy leave so they could keep the young talent. If anything you should be writing about how the Tampa Bay Lightning, a club who you have pointed out already is terrible with contracts, has committed to paying a guy $4.5 million a year for the next 7 seasons yet the best year of his career got him 51 points.

Jarkko Ruutu - (6G 10A 16P - 2G 1A 3P) - Why is Ruutu leaving a bad thing? He was also replaced by a younger, cheaper, more talented player in Matt Cooke.

Georges Laraque - (4G 9A 13P - 1G 2A 3P) - Georges Laraque might be the best fighter in the league. There was absolutely no room for him on this team. Eric Godard is a more than suitable replacement.

Adam Hall - (2G 4A 6P - 3G 1A 4P) - If the departure of Adam Hall affects the Penguins season one iota, I will never watch hockey again.

Ty Conklin - It must be said, the Pittsburgh Penguins were where they were last season largely because of this man. Marc-Andre Fleury was injured and Conklin stepped up beyond anyone's wildest expectations. As did Dany Sabourin, the BACKUP goalie the Penguins chose to keep rather than pay Conklin and carry three goaltenders. Plus, the only reason Conklin left was so that he could play in all three outdoor NHL games. Oh yeah, he also did this.

In their place, the club brought in forwards Miro Satan, Ruslan Fedotenko and Eric Godard and will give some farmhands a chance.

In addition to Satan, Fedotenko and Godard, the Penguins also brought in Cooke and Janne Pesonen. A low risk, very high reward player for Shero. Gratned, he may spend most of his time in Wilkes-Barre Scranton. Not accounting for the Hossa rental, Ray Shero chose to let guys who had excelled and were going to be overpaid on the open market walk and bring in cheap talent to replace them. He did something similar with Sergei Gonchar and Petr Sykora. That's worked so far.

The Penguins can expect similar roster churn next summer, with nine more unrestricted free agents.

Those nine UFAs? Satan, Sykora, Fedotenko, Kris Beech, Jeff Taffe, Darryl Sydor, Hal Gill, Rob Scuderi and Sabourin. This "roster churn", or as I prefer to call it, "letting role players become overpaid role players in places like Tampa", will allow for the Penguins to keep their stars in town until 2013. We've been over this, Damien.

Still, many have anointed the Pens as the No.1 team in the Eastern Conference.

Have you seen the East?

But Crosby and Co. do have some speed bumps ahead.

Yes. You drive over speed bumps.

For starters, their training camp has been shortened to 10 days and just four exhibition matches, after which the club will jet to Europe to open the NHL regular season with games against Ottawa in Stockholm on Oct. 4-5.

Sergei Gonchar injured his shoulder in the Penguins first exhibition game. I am totally fine with less of those.

A similar jaunt didn't help Anaheim and Los Angeles last season.

Ok, Anaheim I can kind of understand. However, they still finished with 102 points in the West so going to Europe hardly derailed their season. But Los Angeles? Going to Europe didn't do anything to their season. Having that roster fucked that up.

Satan and Fedotenko are slated to replace the production of Hossa and Malone, but each scored only 16 goals with the Islanders last season.

First off, no one is expected to replace Hossa. Unless the Penguins trade for Marian Gaborik at the deadline. Secondly, 16 goals in the Islanders offense from last year is equal to at least 25 anywhere else in the NHL. Alexander Ovechkin would be held to 30 goals on Long Island. Third, four players from the Maple Leafs, the team that you cover, scored more than 16 goals last year.

The hope is that each will experience a rebirth in Pittsburgh simlar to that enjoyed by Petr Sykora (28 goals) a year ago.

Yes. And with Satan scoring over 600 career goals I wouldn't exactly say it's a pipe dream considering he'll be playing every day with Sidney Crosby as opposed to Bill Guerin. Mr. Cox also neglects to mention the fact that Ruslan Fedotenko is a 3rd line player.

Staal could be shifted to left wing alongside Malkin.

My dick just went hard.

The tricky challenge in the 20-year-old's contract year is to balance his aspirations for more opportunity – and more lucrative contract possibilities – with the team's ability to win.

"We've talked to Jordan," said Shero. "He's got to earn the time."

So let me get this straight, Damien. You first say that the Penguins have to balance Jordan Staal's on ice play with him hoping to get paid. You then follow that with a quote from the GM of the Penguins that basically says Jordan Staal won't play if he's not up to par, regardless of his contract situation. Ok...

While the upside for the Pens is attractive, nothing's for sure.

No fucking shit.

Both Malkin and Whitney struggled terribly against the Wings in the Stanley Cup final, the top two lines are being rebuilt and Fleury has played more than 60 games once.

Clearly Damien Cox's definition of rebuilt differs greatly from mine. When I think "rebuilt" I don't necessarily think of Crosby, Malkin, Fleury, et al, coming back with another year of experience. Experience that includes a run to the Stanley Cup Finals. The only experience Jiri Tlusty has is having nude pictures come back to bite him in his cute little ass. As for Malkin's and Whitney's struggles? They were both hurt. Ryan Whitney could miss half of this upcoming season because of that injury. Also, the majority of the NHL struggled terribly against the Red Wings last year.

Conklin, don't forget, carried the Pens through a portion of last season, winning 10 of 11 in one stretch.

I didn't forget. I will forever be indebted to Ty Conklin for that. I also didn't forget this.

Pittsburgh has played its hand, committing to a crew of young players who now have a Cup final appearance on their resumés.

Again, I fail to see why this is a bad thing.

They'll have to propel this team over the top, for the salary cap world means there won't be enough money to get them help.

See: Ducks, Anaheim and Flyers, Philadelphia. Not Penguins, Pittsburgh.

USA! USA! USA!

Watching the Ryder Cup makes has gotten me to thinking...don't you think it would be an ingenious marketing ploy for a minor league sports team, or even a major league establishment to put butts in the seats by announcing that for a certain home game, they will be sponsoring an attempt for the Guinness World Record for the "Longest and Loudest USA Chant"? I think it would be. I would go. That's all.

FRD's Roast of Michael Phelps

A new segment here at FRD which is still in the "testing" phase or "beta" phase, whichever you prefer.  We're going to do roasts of figures in sports whether it be athletes, coaches, teams, or even fans. Ideally, you will see all of FRD contributors writing on these, but for the time being we're still working out the kinks...

Our first roast is of olympic hero, Michael Phelps.  It might be hard to make fun of the greatest olympic athlete of all-time, but we found away.  Keep in my we roast out of love, and have a lot of respect for Mr. Phelps despite what we say below.  

Roast starts here....

8 gold medals…Jesus Christ …you’ve got more gold around your neck than a new jersey jew. 

 Way to pick a fag sport like swimming, It’s no wonder you’re dad isn’t around. 

 I hear he’s a cop in Baltimore…what more likely to put him in an early grave some crackhead with a gun or you finally coming out of the closet. 

 But you really are quite the swimmer; you’ve spent more time in the water than Bill Shatner’s wife….The chlorine has left your eyes more permanently blood shot than Snoop dogs. 

So you’re the greatest Olympic athlete of all-time…that’s terrific… The weed smoking bobsled team, the AIDS infected diver, and roided up runners, you’ve outshined them all….what an outstanding accomplishment. 

We’re so blessed with swimmers in the US..I mean we’ve had Mark Spitz and now you, Michael Swallows….it’s a rich tradition.  

I hear you eat over 12,000 calories a day…damn that’s impressive…I had no idea Bob Costas’ dick was so fattening. 

Bob's laughing it up.

You’ve been a great ambassador for your sport…you’ve introduced swimming to more minorities than hurricane Katrina.

 But hey man, you and me…we’re not so different….

You spent time in ann arbor going to school….I spent some time in your sister going to school. 

You’ve beaten the French in competition…I’ve beaten a French guy in a bar fight. 

You have a great rivalry with an Australian celebrity…sometimes I pretend to be a Australian celebrity to pick up drunk chicks.....

 Guy walks in a bar …Bartender says what’ll you have? Guy says give me a Michael Phelps.  Bartender says what’s that?  Guy says “it’s a tall boring drink of water, that girls love for some unexplainable reason and occasionally guys get caught slurping on it.”

The thing I like most about you Mike is you’re not a swimmer, you’re so much more than that and I can see much more success in your future…I’m sure that skill of holding your breath underwater will come in handy in your future.  

I hear you’ve made over 100 million dollars in your career…more than of any your contemporaries…that’s way more than Corky kid made or that kid from Mask. 

 So let me get this straight (unlike your sexuality)….for a living you have to wear goggles, barely wear any clothes and shower right after to clean up….are you swimming or making bukkake videos for a living?

I got a question you elitest bitch; you ever make fun of another swimmers stroke?  Not in the pool but in the circle jerks you fags have after. ….That bleach smell in arena aint the chlorine folks…

You packed in 8 races in 7 days…beating your old record of packing 7 dudes in 7 days…where do you find the time.

So your mom thought you were hyper as a kid and threw you in a pool to burn off some energry…what is that from the susan smith school of parenting?

So Phelps in closing I salute and I congratulate you… you’ve left a lasting legacy and like you said, “left if all in the water.” Although that floater was not very appreciated by the Chinese.  

"Grrrrrr"-Chinese Guy

See You Next Tuesday: Olympic Edition

Sorry it's been a couple weeks with no See You Next Tuesday, but with no further ado, the Olympic Edition...

Brett Favre Brett Feavre Brett Favre Brettt Favre Brett Favre Brett Favre Brett Favre

Anyone else sick of that name? I took the day off of work today to take care of some other things and I spent the morning writing and watching ESPN because the only other thing on television was a test pattern for a public access station. I switched to the test pattern after about ten minutes. I already have a general dislike for the way ESPN presents sports coverage and today was no different as I was subjected to the Brett Favre Off-season Soap Opera.

Apparently he has been reinstated and reported to training camp. Now the issue is whether the Packers will automatically make him the starter, leave it to an open competition or trade him. At this point the only possible winner in any event is Favre, who will get another chance to suit up and sling the pigskin around. By "win", I mean save face in the media, which will surround this situation until months after Favre retires again, which could be when Jesus comes back for all I know.

Although it's been discussed ad-nauseum, here's what I think is at stake with the advent of Brett Favre's return to football:
1) Brett Favre is a future hall of fame quarterback who enjoyed one of his best seasons last year. Whichever team he plays for expects that he will be able to duplicate the same type of performance for them and lead them to a superbowl.
2) Aaron Rodgers, who has been in the league for four years, will have his starting job put in jeopardy because Brett is comin' back. His career will be delayed until they get this issue settled.
3) The Green Bay organization has one of two choices to make - Make Brett Favre their starter or make him some other team's starter.

Look at issue number one- Brett's performance last year and how that's affected the situation. Last year was one of the best in his career. What statistics may not show is that he was beat on twice in cold weather situations, once against a below average Bears team (biased cackle) and again in the playoffs versus the Giants where he himself threw the interception that cost them the game. Favre is known for his ability to thrive in harsh weather conditions and there he was last year, falling short of the legend that precedes him. A prevalent arguement for the Giants game is that although his did throw that crucial interception, he was the reason they were in the NFC championship game anyway. That's nice and all, but the fact remains that the Packers lost their chance at a superbowl directly because of a mistake he made. There are many quarterbacks in the NFL who have their passing statistics follow them around like a scarlet letter. Yet somehow the league leader in career interceptions is immune to this harsh criticism.
Nobody can predict that Favre will have the season he had last year and not have the season he had two or three years ago when the Packers were bottom feeders and he was initially mulling over retirement.

Any team that makes Brett Favre their starter, whether it be the Packers or the Vikings or whoever, has to make the Superbowl. Brett Favre has to return to a Superbowl to validate all of this chaos. If Brett starts and the team he plays for doesn't make the playoffs or loses a divisional game or the NFC Championship game again, then what was the point? (insert team) wants Brett Favre to be their starter because in their minds they will instantly become superbowl contenders. Otherwise you just acquired a better version of Jeff Garcia, with all of the ensuing "Should I retire today or five years from today" conversations.

P.S. - The Bears have come up as a possible landing place for Favre because of our current quarterback situation. Because the only problem we ever have is at quarterback. I don't want Favre on the team, but it would be nice to see him struggle in Chicago behind a shotty offensive line, a rookie running back and a questionable recieving staff. I think Favre coming to the Bears would be the best thing to happen to Grossman.

As for point number two, I really would like to see Aaron Rodgers start for a team in the NFL. In a way, he has more to prove than anyone I can recall. He was a possible number one overall pick in the 2003 draft, only to snubbed by the 49ers and drop late into the first round into the Pakcers' hands. Alex Smith is struggling in San Fran and if Rodgers was able to make a name for himself other than as Favre's backup, it would be an interesting story that they overlooked him. Add in all of the Favre drama, and Rodgers has alot to overcome.

Shifting to point bumber three, I'm not sure how Ted Thompson and Mike Mccarthy don't drink themselves to sleep thinking about this and reading it in the newspaper. If Brett Favre comes back, plays for the Pack and takes them to a Superbowl, then boo-yeah. But if Favre comes back and starts to struggle, or feels like retiring again and quits mid season, then they are left with their hands on their dicks (each person would have their hand on their own dick, not someone else's). Or they trade him to a division rival (which in any situation in any sport is a bad idea) and he finds success there and the Packer fan base is upset yet again.

I can't wait for whatever fate has in store for this situation to unfold because it's hard to even want to follow sports when Favre is permeating all forms of the media. And I pray for the day when he can't hack it anymore or alzheimers makes him forget that he was a football player and he doesn't show up to camp.

Goodbye Hugecock

One of my all-time favorite OSU players has decided to retire from football.  On behalf of all of us here at FRD, I wish him the best.  

Go For It Jews!

Let me be the first to congratulate Fire Reggie Dunlop artist extraordinaire, Bernard Washington III aka Kyle Higaki, on his hilarious submission to Puck Daddy's Gary Bettman Photoshop Contest. Bravo, good sir. You have mastered the internet.

I can only hope that "Go For It Jews!" catches on elsewhere.

See You Next Tuesday

There is a lot going on in sports right now, so here is another installment, called "Trail of Tears".

See You Next Tuesday

It has been requested that I illustrate what is going on in the world of sports through my intricate MS Paint works of art, so that being said, here is the first installment of FRD's illustrated segment, See You Next Tuesday. I call this piece, "Who the Hell Do You Think You Are?"