FRD's Roast of Michael Phelps

A new segment here at FRD which is still in the "testing" phase or "beta" phase, whichever you prefer.  We're going to do roasts of figures in sports whether it be athletes, coaches, teams, or even fans. Ideally, you will see all of FRD contributors writing on these, but for the time being we're still working out the kinks...

Our first roast is of olympic hero, Michael Phelps.  It might be hard to make fun of the greatest olympic athlete of all-time, but we found away.  Keep in my we roast out of love, and have a lot of respect for Mr. Phelps despite what we say below.  

Roast starts here....

8 gold medals…Jesus Christ …you’ve got more gold around your neck than a new jersey jew. 

 Way to pick a fag sport like swimming, It’s no wonder you’re dad isn’t around. 

 I hear he’s a cop in Baltimore…what more likely to put him in an early grave some crackhead with a gun or you finally coming out of the closet. 

 But you really are quite the swimmer; you’ve spent more time in the water than Bill Shatner’s wife….The chlorine has left your eyes more permanently blood shot than Snoop dogs. 

So you’re the greatest Olympic athlete of all-time…that’s terrific… The weed smoking bobsled team, the AIDS infected diver, and roided up runners, you’ve outshined them all….what an outstanding accomplishment. 

We’re so blessed with swimmers in the US..I mean we’ve had Mark Spitz and now you, Michael Swallows….it’s a rich tradition.  

I hear you eat over 12,000 calories a day…damn that’s impressive…I had no idea Bob Costas’ dick was so fattening. 

Bob's laughing it up.

You’ve been a great ambassador for your sport…you’ve introduced swimming to more minorities than hurricane Katrina.

 But hey man, you and me…we’re not so different….

You spent time in ann arbor going to school….I spent some time in your sister going to school. 

You’ve beaten the French in competition…I’ve beaten a French guy in a bar fight. 

You have a great rivalry with an Australian celebrity…sometimes I pretend to be a Australian celebrity to pick up drunk chicks.....

 Guy walks in a bar …Bartender says what’ll you have? Guy says give me a Michael Phelps.  Bartender says what’s that?  Guy says “it’s a tall boring drink of water, that girls love for some unexplainable reason and occasionally guys get caught slurping on it.”

The thing I like most about you Mike is you’re not a swimmer, you’re so much more than that and I can see much more success in your future…I’m sure that skill of holding your breath underwater will come in handy in your future.  

I hear you’ve made over 100 million dollars in your career…more than of any your contemporaries…that’s way more than Corky kid made or that kid from Mask. 

 So let me get this straight (unlike your sexuality)….for a living you have to wear goggles, barely wear any clothes and shower right after to clean up….are you swimming or making bukkake videos for a living?

I got a question you elitest bitch; you ever make fun of another swimmers stroke?  Not in the pool but in the circle jerks you fags have after. ….That bleach smell in arena aint the chlorine folks…

You packed in 8 races in 7 days…beating your old record of packing 7 dudes in 7 days…where do you find the time.

So your mom thought you were hyper as a kid and threw you in a pool to burn off some energry…what is that from the susan smith school of parenting?

So Phelps in closing I salute and I congratulate you… you’ve left a lasting legacy and like you said, “left if all in the water.” Although that floater was not very appreciated by the Chinese.  

"Grrrrrr"-Chinese Guy