In a fit of irony and role reversal, you have the headache.

Just in case you don't think Tim Tebow is a douchebag, here you go.

More of This Guy; Less of Rafalski

If you look at the picture really fast his thumb kind of looks like a ball sac.  That is all. 

Chelios in the lineup tonight; Brian Rafalski is out.  God help us all.   

Round 2: More Proof I Have No Idea What I'm Talking About

Before I get to round 2 predictions for the NHL, I'll cover a few random thoughts from round 1:

• The Sharks are soft.  There is no doubting this now, they'll need significant changes before they can challenge for a cup
• I don't put it all on Thorton, he's has every tool you could ever want in a hockey player but he's not going to be the guy, he needs someone to defer to.  
• Jeremy Roenick= HUGE FUCKING LOSER
• Columbus needs a top pair defense and a legit center before they are ready for prime time.  
• Most overrated player in the NHL? Alex Kovalev.  
• RJ Umberger is a fantastic playoff performer.  

Predictions:

Western Conference:

- Red Wings over Ducks in 5.

As a Wings fan, I'm not so worried about the Ducks even though they are pretty hot right now.  I am worried about Pronger putting a cheap shot on #5 or #13.  I also could fear a situation where Aaron Downey has to dress in this series.  I'm not sold on Jonas Hiller and in the end I still think this is the same undisciplined Ducks team that will blow it.  

-Canucks over Chicago in 6.

Chicago has looked better than I thought, they are close to contending.  However, Vancouver is in a nice situation here.  No one seems to be talking about them and they definitely have the experience and goaltending to win it.  They are a very good team.  

Eastern Conference:

- Boston over Carolina in 7.

Carolina runs out of gas here, but I'm not sure Boston is any better than a 2-round type team.  

-Pittsburgh over Washington in 7

Washington will get a boost from playing at home and coming back in that round one series.  I'm really starting to believe Pittsburgh's success depends upon their mental makeup... and it's only fair to question it.  

In Honor of the Impending Red Wings Win Tonight

RIP Mrs. Hockey.

Obligatory NBA Playoffs Post.

So I'm pretty sure the NBA playoffs start in something like 2 hours, I'm not really sure, is anybody?  Now, I'm sure the NBA's key demographic is more than anticipating this years playoffs, but allow me to preface the rest of what I write with this-- this is the worst season of NBA basketball I have witnessed in my entire life.  

I was going to expand on this quite a bit further, but I'll get bored, you'll get bored, and we'll just avoid it.  In summary, watching Lebron, D-Wade, or Kobe barrell into the lane during the 4th quarter, throw their body around with no regard while their teammates clear out the lane and stand idly around, is not an appealing style of basketball.  It's gotta be some pseduo-And 1 influence and in my holier than now opinion, is not incline with the true essence or spirit of the game.  

Oh how I yearn for the days of this:

Anyways, here is FRD's Worst Playoff Preview in History:  

Eastern Conference: 

Round 1

CLEV over DET in 6.  The Pistons have a little fight left in them to steal a couple of games, but soon we will be able to prove Joe Dumars has just been getting lucky for a couple of years, and the real credit for Pistons teams belongs to others.  

Celtics Over Bulls in 7.  I'm not sold we don't see KG again this playoff-season.  

Magic over 76ers in 5.  Jimmy Hayes will fail to notice.  

Heat over Hawks in 6.  You think the NBA is going to avoid a Lebron D-Wade matchup in the playoffs? C'mon.  

Round Two

Clev over Miami in 7- It goes 7.  That's right.  

Magic over Celtics in 6- The power of youth, or something like that.  

Conference Finals:

Magic over Cavs in 6-  Man in the league office going to be pissed.  Van Gundy is working his way into the all-time underrated coaches list.  

Western Conference:

Round One:

Lakers over Utah in 5- I like Utah, but it's not happening here.  

Denver over New Orleans in 5- Billups is the 3rd best point guard in the NBA.  Think about that.  

San Antonio over Dallas in 5-  I'm a Rick Carlisle guy, but probably not happening here.  

Portland over Houston in 7- I know he's not playing, but Tracy McGrady is approaching Peyton Manning levels of loserness.  

Round Two

Lakers over Portland in 7- The NBA going to work here for Kobe and Phil.  

Denver over San Antonio in 7- I can only name 4 active Spurs players.  

Conference Finals:  

Lakers over Denver in 5-  Did you know the weirdo who sits next to Jack Nicolson at Lakers games is actually the father of musician/reality loser/ douchebag extraordinaire, Cisco Alder?  

The Finals:  

Lakers over Magic in 6-  Mike Tyson won the heavyweight title after he served his sentence for rape, why not let Kobe?  

The Worst Playoff Preview in History

Chelios, The American Bad-Ass, Ari Gold, and The Canadian Bad-Ass?

The weather is starting to warm up, baseball is back, and Puxatony Phil is dead. That can only mean one thing....it's time for the Stanley Cup Playoffs.  Keeping with tradition here at FRD, I give you the worst playoff preview possible.....

Eastern Conference

Round 1

Boston v. Montreal

The Ambassador Detroit Browne: Predicted Winner:  Boston in 5.  

Flawed Reasoning:  This could be a tougher series for the B's, but I think Montreal is ready to turn it in already.  That and I don't believe any of the Cary Price hype.  Is he even their starting goalie anymore?  

Reverend Woodrow Morris: Predicted Winner: Boston in 4.

Flawed Reasoning: This Montreal team isn't good. Price is a solid goaltender, but in order for him to get hot and steal some games there has to be some semblance of a defense in front of him. Montreal doesn't have that.

Washington v. NYR

D. Browne: Predicted Winner: Washington in 6

Flawed Reasoning:  The Rangers a feisty club, but probably don't have enough to hang here.  

W. Morris: Predicted Winner: Washington in 7

Flawed Reasoning: I agree with the Ambassador here. I see the Rangers winning a few games, but clearly they do not have the talent to keep up with Washington. However, if the Rangers can win one of the first two in DC, I can honestly see them winning this series. Washington is a heavily flawed team yet people fail to realize these flaws because of Ovechkin. Remember, Jose Theodore is the goalie of this team and they rely too heavily on their power play. The idea of facing King Henrik in a long series should scare the shit out of Washington and their fans.

New Jersey v. Carolina

D. Browne: Predicted Winner: Carolina in 7.  

Flawed Reasoning:  NJ is pretty cold right now and Carolina is pretty hot; however, I'm not sure that will manifest itself in this series.  The Devils are a better defensive club, and Brodeur will have the ability to steal some wins, but I see the Hurricanes pulling a small upset here in seven. 

W. Morris: Predicted Winner: Carolina in 6.

Flawed Reasoning: This is a matchup of probably the hottest team in the NHL right now against one of the coldest. Over the last two months or so of the season no one has beaten this Carolina team, let alone four times in seven games. It is also a matchup of the two goalies most likely to get insanely hot and steal a series down the road. Personally, I like Cam Ward to do that over Brodeur. Maybe because Ward hasn't fucked his wife's sister yet. However, I don't think the Hurricanes are going to need Ward to be on acid to win this series. I think they're the better team especially over the second half of the season.

Philly v. Pittsburgh

D. Browne: Predicted Winner:  Pittsburgh in 7

Flawed Reasoning:  I expect this to be a pretty physical series, but ultimately the Pens having too much fire power.  

W. Morris: Predicted Winner: Pittsburgh in 5

Flawed Reasoning: Apart from the Hurricanes, no team has been more impressive than the Penguins. Their performance over the latter part of the season to not only get into the playoffs, but to get home ice advantage in the first round is beyond impressive. One thing that is not impressive though is Philadelphia playing 5 on 5. This team is a power play and nothing else. Teams that rely on special teams do not succeed in the playoffs. The games are tighter and the opportunities just aren't there. Add to that the fact that while Philly is strong with the man advantage, they take more penalties than anyone else in the NHL so against strong teams their dominance 5 on 4 is negligible since they'll spend an equal amount of time killing off dumb penalties. Also, Martin Biron isn't good. He has weird eyes too.

Round 2.

Boston v. Carolina

D. Browne: Predicted Winner: Bruins in 7

Flawed Reasoning: Two evenly matched teams in my opinion, Boston gets the nod because of home ice. 

W. Morris: Predicted Winner: Bruins in 7

Flawed Reasoning: As much as I have liked the way that Carolina has played recently, I just think this Bruins team will be too much for them. Thomas has been unreal this year and should get consideration for MVP in my opinion, but there is no chance he'll finish top 3. I think the only way Carolina wins this series is if they can somehow turn it into a fast paced shootout, but with these two goalies the chances of that happening are pretty remote.

Washington v. Pittsburgh  

D. Browne: Predicted Winner:  Pittsburgh in 7. 

Flawed Reasoning:  The matchup the NHL wants.  I'll give the nod to the Pens here because I am not a believer in the Caps D and think they need another year of experience before they can make the jump.

W. Morris: Predicted Winner: Pittsburgh in 6

Flawed Reasoning: Honestly, I think I'm being generous here giving Washington two wins. The key for this series, and all playoffs long for that matter, for the Penguins is going to be their third line of Matt Cooke, Jordan Staal and Tyler Kennedy. Everyone knows what the Crosby line and Malkin line is going to do for Pittsburgh. Washington has a talented group with Ovechkin's line. However, Washington has no answer for this third line. Hell, no one in the East does. It isn't even so much that this line has been scoring of late, it's how they can totally control the flow of a game. Some of their best shifts this season have been when they spend 1:30 in the offensive zone until Malkin or Crosby can come on and finish the job. This line has been great defensively as well. I wouldn't be surprised to see Bylsma match this line up with Ovechkin every so often to not only give Crosby a chance for a mismatch but also this line would suffocate Washington's top guns. Jordan Staal is going to win a Selke very, very soon. Most importantly, I just don't see how this Capitals team can expect to keep up with Pittsburgh. Ovie is going to get his goals but then what? Washington can't even win this series if they try and make it an up and down shootathon.

Conference Finals 

Boston v. Pittsburgh

D. Browne: Predicted Winner: Pittsburgh in 6.

Flawed Reasoning:  Either team that makes it through to the point will pretty much be dead, so it could easily go either way.  Additionally, I hate picking Pittsburgh and think they are a heavily flaw team, but in this situation they have a little bit more experience and the stars to advance.  

W. Morris: Predicted Winner: Pittsburgh in 7

Flawed Reasoning: Jesus, have we picked the same winners in every series so far? This really is a joke preview. Anyway, this will be an excellent series. I hope this happens. Both teams are strong five on five and in net and have the depth that it takes to win in the playoffs. But ultimately, I really like this Penguins team and they way they have been playing.

Western Conference

Round 1

San Jose v. Anaheim

D. Browne: Predicted Winner: San Jose in 6

Flawed Reasoning:  The Ducks have come on as of late, but the Sharks are too focused this year to choke it away in round one.

W. Morris: Predicted Winner: San Jose in 5

Flawed Reasoning: As much as I have liked the Ducks recently they got the short end of the stick here. This is going to be a hard nosed series, which one would think might play to Anaheim's advantage. Remember how Calgary almost beat San Jose by kicking the shit out of them every night last year? But, this San Jose team is good. Real good. Too much for Anaheim to handle in what turns out to be one of the better first round matchups even though I only see it going 5 games.

Detroit v. Columbus

D. Browne: Predicted Winner: Detroit in 5

Flawed Reasoning:  Detroit has been playing lousy of late, but so has the CBJ.  Steven Mason getting hot here could be scary, but this is ultimately a leaning experience for Columbus, they just don't have the horses yet.  

W. Morris: Predicted Winner: Detroit in 6

Flawed Reasoning:  If Mason decides to turn into Cam Ward circa 2005, Detroit goes home early. Actually, on second thought, this Blue Jackets team is eerily similar to that Hurricanes team that won it all. Just something to watch out for. But, I don't see the Blue Jackets pulling off this upset. As much as I would LOVE to see it. I also don't see this series ending in 5 because I have tickets to game 6 in Columbus and want to use them.

Vancouver v. St Louis

D. Browne: Predicted Winner: Vancouver in 4.

Flawed Reasoning: It's a miracle the Blues are in the playoffs, let alone the 6-seed.  Too much travel here against too good of a team. The Canucks land the only first round sweep.

W. Morris: Predicted Winner: Vancouver in 4.

Flawed Reasoning: The Blues are the great story of the NHL this season. That doesn't win hockey games.

Chicago v. Calgary

D. Browne: Predicted Winner: Calgary in 6

Flawed Reasoning:  Chicago is in a little over it's head in this matchup and better protect home ice if they want to have any chance.  In the end, Calgary has too much firepower in this one.  

W. Morris: Predicted Winner: Chicago in 7

Flawed Reasoning: What a great series this is going to be. If this series took place a week and a half ago, I'd pick Calgary in 6 but they have fallen on hard times. Hell, they've been putting 15 skaters on the ice recently due to salary cap concerns. While that doesn't matter in the free of charge playoffs, I don't think this team is in the right place mentally to win a series. Calgary's first line is mean and Kipper getting hot is not only a legit possibility but probably the death knell for Chicago. I had Calgary going deep into the playoffs a few weeks ago, maybe even winning the West, but the way things have shaken out up there I just can't bring myself to do it any longer.

Round 2

D. Browne: San Jose v. Calgary

Predicted Winner: San Jose in 5

Flawed Reasoning:  Calgary is prone to defensive lapses and that will be deadly against the Sharks.  They just seemed to relaxed to get themselves into trouble this year.  

Detroit v. Vancouver

Predicted Winner: Vancouver in 7

Flawed Reasoning:  Vancouver is a tricky team in that they have a odd mix of talent and experience.  Luongo is the difference here in a back and forth seven-game series.  

W. Morris: San Jose v. Chicago

Predicted Winner: San Jose in 6

Flawed Reasoning: Chicago is good and will be good for a few years to come. Their defense is surprisingly strong and their blue line can move the puck with the best of them. However, the Calgary series is going to take something out of them. Anaheim is going to push San Jose around and try to out muscle them on a daily basis, but I see San Jose responding to that whereas I see Calgary and Chicago just playing balls out, dead tiring,  solid hockey for 7 games. This is the year San Jose breaks through the wall that is the second round.

Detroit v. Vancouver

Predicted Winner: Detroit in 6

Flawed Reasoning: This Red Wings team seriously baffles the shit out of me. The team as a whole has put up almost identical numbers to last year yet their goaltending is so much worse it's unreal. Detroit is immune to mediocre goaltending and it doesn't make any fucking sense. As much as I would like to pick Vancouver here and as good of a case I could make for that happening, Detroit will find a way to overcome the crap storm that is Osklin. 

Conference Finals

D. Browne: San Jose v. Vancouver

Predicted Winner:  San Jose in 5.  

Flawed Reasoning: They were the best team in the NHL for a reason.  Here they benefit from facing a tired Canucks squad.  

W. Morris: San Jose v. Detroit

Predicted Winner: San Jose in 7.

Flawed Reasoning: Another series that I really, really hope happens. If my predictions are right, which they won't be, we are in for a fucking treat with these conference finals. I've been high on this San Jose team all year long and I'm not going to jump off the bandwagon now. Not only do the Sharks tell Ron Wilson to suck it, but they win the West while doing it.

Stanley Cup Finals

San Jose v. Pittsburgh

D. Browne: Predicted Winner: San Jose in 4

Flawed Reasoning:  The Sharks are the most complete team in the NHL and will be a tough matchup for the Pens, assuming they don't self-destruct.  I can see the Pens being dead at this point because of their battle to get out of the east combined with their second half push, leaving them on the losing side of the finals again. 

W. Morris: Predicted Winner: Pittsburgh in 6

Flawed Reasoning: As much as I love this Sharks team, I love this Penguins team even more. Pens win the cup and I get to shit in the mouths of at least 6 people. 

Euro Trash Will Reign Supreme

Predicted Winner of The Masters: Paul Casey at -9.  

You're welcome.  

Gold Jacket, Green Jacket, Who Gives a Shit?

It's the week of the Masters, one of my personal favorites of the year.  I'm not sure any geographical location can look as attractive as Augusta National does in April.  Maybe that's cause I'm stuck in the Midwest and woke up to 8 inches of snow on April 4th.  

I'm also a bit of a sucker for all the tradition and etiquette of the tournament.  One of the most interesting parts of that tradition is Clifford Roberts, a guy you gotta respect for blowing his brains out on the actual course.  

Here's a little something to get you ready for "a tradition unlike any other."

A Rebirth: We're Talkin' Baseball

It's been a long time my FRD friends, too long.  So I've decided to bring this blog back--hopefully with an influx of original material-- for the time being.  I'll attempt to encourage the other FRD contributers to do the same, but we're clearly not a very proactive group.  

Anyways, the start of the baseball season is just around the corner and I figured I would keep with the FRD tradition of providing the worst season preview possible for the occasion.  Since everyone is doing a season preview these days I'll spice ours up a bit by going with a movie theme (meaning I'll compare each team to a movie.)  Enjoy.  

Edit:  You know what, fuck that movie theme stuff. I'm writing this at 5:30 AM with a two hours of Property staring me down in roughly 4 hours. My priorities are seriously out of order.

Edit #2: I guess I should disclose that I used to be a bit of a baseball stats geek and keep that in mind when looking at these predictions.  On the other hand, I used to collect baseball cards too 

AL East

1. Yankees
2. Red Sox-WC
3. Rays
4. Blue Jays
5. Orioles

AL Central

1. White Sox
2. Tigers
3. Royals (My biggest sleeper squad, I like their makeup)
4. Indians
5. Twins

AL West

1. Angels
2. Athletics
3. Rangers
4. Mariners

NL East

1. Mets
2. Braves-WC
3. Phillies
4. Marlins
5. Nationals

NL Central (Somehow I think this might be the best division in baseball now)

1. Astros
2. Cubs
3. Cardinals
4. Brewers
5. Reds
6. Pirates

NL West

1. Dodgers
2. D-Backs
3. Rockies
4. Padres
5. Giants

Playoffs--

Yankees over White Sox

Red Sox over Angels (Donnie Moore Curse in full effect)

Mets over Astros

Dodgers over Braves

-----------------------------------------

Red Sox over Yankees

Mets over Dodgers

__________________

World Series:  Mets over Red Sox.  

***Bonus***

Award Predictions--

AL MVP:  Carlos Quentin

NL MVP: Albert Pujols

AL Cy Young: Jon Lester

NL Cy Young: Johan Santana

AL ROY: Brett Anderson, Oakland

NL ROY: Cameron Maybin  

I leave you with this....

Top 10 Albums of 2008???

I compiled this list while sitting in a review session a week ago and Rev. Woodrow Morris suggested I post it here. It ain't going to be pretty cause I'm fitting it in on a break from finals (which are a lot more stressful than undergrad finals.)

This list is based on my opinion only and oddly has a strange indie dance music vide to it this year....

1)Vampire Weekend- Vampire Weekend: A lot people heard this stuff long before it actually was released in January 2008, but yeah technically it counts.

It’s smart, almost pretentiously smart, but it’s very, very good. Smart, simple pop songs. This album is made to listen to on sunny 80-degree days with no clouds in the sky.

For some reason it almost reminds me of Paul Simon, I don’t know why.


2) M83- Saturday = Youth: It sounds like the 80s, you can’t deny it, but it’s good. Every song has a different vibe, but they are all very catchy. Kind of has a movie score feel to it.



3) Bon Iver- For Emma, Forever ago: Sort of the antithesis to Vampire Weekend in my mind. What I imagine Iron and Wine would sound like if he was still getting critical acclaim and showed signs of passion once in awhile.

a sorta cool a capella thing they did below

4) Tokyo Police Club- Elephant Shell: One of the more traditional bands to make my top 10, although that’s debatable. Much like Vampire Weekend most of these songs leaked long before they were actually released.

It hasn’t held up as well after multiple listens, but it’s a rock solid album with a DIY vibe that I’ve always enjoyed.



5) Fleet Foxes- Fleet Foxes: At first I didn’t get this stuff, I didn’t dislike it, but I didn’t see where it was going. It took me having to listen to the album to get it. I don’t know how to describe it, theatrical folk? Whatever it is it, it good and progressive.

Think Arcade Fire with better harmonies and less noise.



6) Black Kids- Partie Traumatic: This generated a lot of noise prior to it’s release and probably didn’t live up to the hype, but it’s still very good.

Certainly has a dance feel to it, but enough elements of other stuff to not be too feminine. Just solid innovative pop songs.



7) Mates of State- Re-Arrange Us- I first discovered this band in 2004 when they opened a small smoke filled room for the strokes, at the time the wife of the husband/wife duo was about 8 months pregnant. Since then they’ve gained a bit of notoriety and cemented their indie cred.

Another great album, my only complaint would be they’re stuff tends to sound the same if you listen to a lot of it.

8) Santogold- Santogold: I’m pretty sure no one who knows me would expect me to like this album, but I do. It’s good.

A strange mixture of hip-hop, soul, indie and dance music. I think this girl is very talented and will probably make a impact in the future as well. The LES Artistes song might be the best single of the year and I’m being serious, try and find me a better song for the radio.



9) Mountain Goats- Heretic Pride: Solid album from indie rock veterans. Nothing outstanding and probably not their best work, but a very solid record none the less. Opening song is one of the 10 best of the year.



10) The Hold Steady- Stay Positive: Straight forward record from an American indie rock band. There is nothing earth shattering here, but it’s consistently good. I imagine this is what Randy Newman sounds like with a rock band behind him.

The Worst Season Preview Ever

I initially intended on doing a full preview for both conferences for the upcoming NHL season. But, turns out I'm lazy. Plus the season already started. Here's the half assed version.

Western Conference

    Division Winners

        Detroit - This team is too stacked. On paper.

        San Jose - The Pacific will be tighter than your sister's vag all year long. The Sharks come out on top. Evgeni Nabokov isn't human.

        Calgary - The Northwest isn't very good this year. You could pick any one of those teams and have it seem logical.

    Surprise Team - Phoenix Coyotes

        This team will make the playoffs this year in a very good Western Conference. The easy "surprise" team to pick would be Chicago, but I'm not buying into them just yet. Phoenix has great young talent, veteran leadership in guys like Shane Doan, and they added Olli Jokinen in the offseason. I might also be the only person not related to him to think that Ilya Bryzgalov could potentially be a top 10 goaltender in the league. Edmonton could turn some heads as well.

    Western Conference Champion - San Jose Sharks

           Yeah. I said it. The playoffs are a totally different monster than the regular season. Lost in all the "OMG Detroit is, like, sooooo good. Lolz!!1!" bullshit is the fact that this San Jose team is fucking good.

    Eastern Conference

        Division Winners

            Montreal - Cary Price is disgusting. Alexei Kovalev is underrated in the Tim Duncan sense.

            Pittsburgh - Blah, blah, blah, no Hossa, blah, blah, injuries, blah, blah, Stanley Cup hangover, blah, blah. Suck dick.

            Washington - This team could win the East. Their defense is extremely underrated.

        Surprise Team - Buffalo Sabres

            Picking a surprise team in the East isn't really that much of a stretch. Outside of the top 4 or 5 teams, it's wide open. Mainly because the rest of the East kind of sucks. I'm picking Buffalo to surprise some people and beat out Boston for a playoff spot from the Northeast division. Most people are saying Tampa Bay will make the playoffs in a weak conference and an even weaker division but I'm not seeing that because Tampa sucks. Ryan Malone will score less than 50 points this season. Write that down. Even though I just did. Teams don't make the playoffs having 3 goal scorers, overpaid middle of the pack talent and one of those Shooter Tutors in net. Buffalo is where it's at. Carolina could do something too.

        Eastern Conference Champion - Pittsburgh Penguins Washington Capitals

              I'm drinking the Kool Aid. If Jose Theodore plays well, this team will rack up a ton of gimme points playing in the Nascar Division. Granted, that could be a huge "if". I'm not buying into the Don Cherry way of thinking that Alexander Ovechkin will fall off this year. Cherry is an idiot and should probably go choke down a shotgun barrell. I'll also catch way too much shit for picking the Penguins even though they are best team in the Eastern Conference. Like it or not, it's true. Deal with it.

Stanley Cup Champions - San Jose over Washington in 6.

President's Trophy - Detroit - They get to play Columbus, Nashville, Chicago and St. Louis more than anyone else in the league. Second round upset to Dallas.

Hart Trophy - Sidney Crosby, Pittsburgh - Yeah. Fuck off.

Vezina Trophy - Evgeni Nabokov, San Jose - If the Sharks do as well as I think they will this year, then he'll need to be huge. Martin Brodeur is a cock gobbler.

Lady Bing Trophy - Some pussy. Probably from Detroit.

Calder Trophy - Kyle Turris, Phoenix - The easy pick would be Steve Stamkos, but fuck him. Melrose is a terrible coach and it's going to hurt him. I'll take Turris, Alex Goligoski (since he's getting a ton of responsibility with Gonchar and Whitney being out), and Stamkos as my top three.

Art Ross Trophy - Crosby. Point machine.

Norris Trophy - Nicklas Lidstrom, Detroit- He'll win this award every year until he retires. You can talk about Dion Phaneuf all you want. Until Lidstrom hangs em up, no one else should, or will, win this thing.

Rocket Richard Trophy - Rick Nash, Columbus - There isn't anyone else on that team who can score and sooner or later Nash has to get really pissed off about this and just start shooting the puck 100 times a game.

C'mon Braden, Our Line Starts

Sadly, our namesake, Paul Newman passed away today at the age of 83. To say that he was a great actor and a great human being would be a wild understatement. His acting resume is unreal. His Newman's Own brand has contributed over $250 million to charity. Not to mention he was from Cleveland so I've always felt some sort of connection to him. 

In honor of his passing, Fire Reggie Dunlop will be sporting the memorial black armband at the top of the page. I will also get drunk and watch Slap Shot and Cool Hand Luke at least 5 times each this weekend. I recommend that everyone else do the same. So long, Reg.

Shitting On Someone Else's Lawn

I figure since we basically stole the title for this blog from some other blog of a similar name, I might as well steal the basis for their blog as well. Only I like hockey better than baseball. I also recently read an article by Damien Cox of the Toronto Star that made me confused. A little angry. Kind of hungry. Mostly confused. Anyways, you may have seen this done before only funnier than how I'm about to do it.

The Pittsburgh Penguins didn't win the Stanley Cup last spring.

Thanks, dick.

But they sure paid for the visit to the final.

Nothing in life is free.

In massive new contracts for Evgeni Malkin (five years, $43.5 million), goalie Marc-Andre Fleury (seven years, $35 million) and defenceman Brooks Orpik (six years, $22.5 million), the Pens no longer boast a relatively affordable roster of young, improving players.

Oh, you were talking contracts, not hotel rooms. How long is this young, improving talent supposed to play for the league minimum by the way? Over the course of their entry level contract, you say? Well those expired and the Penguins made sure they didn't go anywhere. Like Toronto.

They still have the young players and they may well all still be improving.

That's sort of the idea. They will still have these young players for many years.

But affordable? Well, just. The formerly bankrupt Penguins, who host the Maple Leafs in exhibition play tomorrow night, are pushing right up against the NHL's $56 million salary cap.

Yes. The Penguins are pushing up against the salary cap. That's the purpose of a salary cap. Good teams spend up to but not over the cap. But why bring up the fact that the Penguins were bankrupt? They have money now. They are spending it on very good hockey players. They also won the Eastern Conference last year. You may know it as the conference where the Maple Leafs finished 12th.

There's no turning back now.

Darn tootin'.

GM Ray Shero has committed to a group of players that includes Malkin, Fleury, Orpik, captain Sidney Crosby and defenceman Ryan Whitney, all of whom are 27 or younger and are now locked up through the 2012-13 season. By next summer, they'll be joined by forward Jordan Staal, who is slated to become a restricted free agent in June.

Exactly. This is why the Penguins will probably be good for a while.

The cost of paying so much to so few, as Tampa Bay found out with its now disbanded Big Three, will be instability and yearly turnover with the other 60 per cent of the roster.

Correct, the Penguins will have "yearly turnover" for role players, grinders and general 3rd and 4th line talent. However, all their good young players, the core of the team, aren't going anywhere until at least 2013. You just said so yourself.

As for "paying so much for so few", each one of those aforementioned players has signed for less than market value. Sidney Crosby and Evgeni Malkin will make on average $8.7 million each year. Two years from now, when presumably long term deals will begin to hurt a team financially, Vincent Lecavalier will make $10 million. He will continue to make that much each year until 2016. Ryan Whitney stands to make about $4.5 million a year until 2013. Ron Hainsey makes more than that. Brooks Orpik took a 6 year deal with Pittsburgh that will pay him $3.75 million a year. Nearly the exact same deal given to Mike Commodore and Brad Stuart.

This summer, the Pens lost unrestricted forwards Gary Roberts, Ryan Malone, Jarkko Ruutu, Marian Hossa, Georges Laraque and Adam Hall, as well as goalie Ty Conklin.

Let's break this down player by player with their 2007-08 regular season and postseason stats with the Penguins:

Marian Hossa - (3G, 7A, 10P - 12G, 14A, 26P) - Hossa was a rental. Pittsburgh hoped he wouldn't be, but it is clear now Marian Hossa was a rental player. He also only played in 12 regular season games for the Penguins. Was he instrumental in the Penguins going 12-2 through the Eastern Conference playoffs? Absolutely. But, the Penguins were 2nd in the East without him. Without Marian Hossa the Penguins still win the East, only they go 6 or 7 games with both the Rangers and Flyers. Remember, he only played in 12 fucking games with the Penguins before the playoff run. His offensive production doesn't need to really be replaced.

Gary Roberts - (3G 12A 15P - 2G 2A 4P) - He's old. He was a healthy scratch throughout the playoffs. Big deal.

Ryan Malone - (27G 24A 51P - 6G 10A 16P) - Malone was a great heart guy for the Pens this past year. He is also set to make $4.5 million a year until 2015. He has never scored more than 27 goals in one season. The Penguins let the overpaid guy leave so they could keep the young talent. If anything you should be writing about how the Tampa Bay Lightning, a club who you have pointed out already is terrible with contracts, has committed to paying a guy $4.5 million a year for the next 7 seasons yet the best year of his career got him 51 points.

Jarkko Ruutu - (6G 10A 16P - 2G 1A 3P) - Why is Ruutu leaving a bad thing? He was also replaced by a younger, cheaper, more talented player in Matt Cooke.

Georges Laraque - (4G 9A 13P - 1G 2A 3P) - Georges Laraque might be the best fighter in the league. There was absolutely no room for him on this team. Eric Godard is a more than suitable replacement.

Adam Hall - (2G 4A 6P - 3G 1A 4P) - If the departure of Adam Hall affects the Penguins season one iota, I will never watch hockey again.

Ty Conklin - It must be said, the Pittsburgh Penguins were where they were last season largely because of this man. Marc-Andre Fleury was injured and Conklin stepped up beyond anyone's wildest expectations. As did Dany Sabourin, the BACKUP goalie the Penguins chose to keep rather than pay Conklin and carry three goaltenders. Plus, the only reason Conklin left was so that he could play in all three outdoor NHL games. Oh yeah, he also did this.

In their place, the club brought in forwards Miro Satan, Ruslan Fedotenko and Eric Godard and will give some farmhands a chance.

In addition to Satan, Fedotenko and Godard, the Penguins also brought in Cooke and Janne Pesonen. A low risk, very high reward player for Shero. Gratned, he may spend most of his time in Wilkes-Barre Scranton. Not accounting for the Hossa rental, Ray Shero chose to let guys who had excelled and were going to be overpaid on the open market walk and bring in cheap talent to replace them. He did something similar with Sergei Gonchar and Petr Sykora. That's worked so far.

The Penguins can expect similar roster churn next summer, with nine more unrestricted free agents.

Those nine UFAs? Satan, Sykora, Fedotenko, Kris Beech, Jeff Taffe, Darryl Sydor, Hal Gill, Rob Scuderi and Sabourin. This "roster churn", or as I prefer to call it, "letting role players become overpaid role players in places like Tampa", will allow for the Penguins to keep their stars in town until 2013. We've been over this, Damien.

Still, many have anointed the Pens as the No.1 team in the Eastern Conference.

Have you seen the East?

But Crosby and Co. do have some speed bumps ahead.

Yes. You drive over speed bumps.

For starters, their training camp has been shortened to 10 days and just four exhibition matches, after which the club will jet to Europe to open the NHL regular season with games against Ottawa in Stockholm on Oct. 4-5.

Sergei Gonchar injured his shoulder in the Penguins first exhibition game. I am totally fine with less of those.

A similar jaunt didn't help Anaheim and Los Angeles last season.

Ok, Anaheim I can kind of understand. However, they still finished with 102 points in the West so going to Europe hardly derailed their season. But Los Angeles? Going to Europe didn't do anything to their season. Having that roster fucked that up.

Satan and Fedotenko are slated to replace the production of Hossa and Malone, but each scored only 16 goals with the Islanders last season.

First off, no one is expected to replace Hossa. Unless the Penguins trade for Marian Gaborik at the deadline. Secondly, 16 goals in the Islanders offense from last year is equal to at least 25 anywhere else in the NHL. Alexander Ovechkin would be held to 30 goals on Long Island. Third, four players from the Maple Leafs, the team that you cover, scored more than 16 goals last year.

The hope is that each will experience a rebirth in Pittsburgh simlar to that enjoyed by Petr Sykora (28 goals) a year ago.

Yes. And with Satan scoring over 600 career goals I wouldn't exactly say it's a pipe dream considering he'll be playing every day with Sidney Crosby as opposed to Bill Guerin. Mr. Cox also neglects to mention the fact that Ruslan Fedotenko is a 3rd line player.

Staal could be shifted to left wing alongside Malkin.

My dick just went hard.

The tricky challenge in the 20-year-old's contract year is to balance his aspirations for more opportunity – and more lucrative contract possibilities – with the team's ability to win.

"We've talked to Jordan," said Shero. "He's got to earn the time."

So let me get this straight, Damien. You first say that the Penguins have to balance Jordan Staal's on ice play with him hoping to get paid. You then follow that with a quote from the GM of the Penguins that basically says Jordan Staal won't play if he's not up to par, regardless of his contract situation. Ok...

While the upside for the Pens is attractive, nothing's for sure.

No fucking shit.

Both Malkin and Whitney struggled terribly against the Wings in the Stanley Cup final, the top two lines are being rebuilt and Fleury has played more than 60 games once.

Clearly Damien Cox's definition of rebuilt differs greatly from mine. When I think "rebuilt" I don't necessarily think of Crosby, Malkin, Fleury, et al, coming back with another year of experience. Experience that includes a run to the Stanley Cup Finals. The only experience Jiri Tlusty has is having nude pictures come back to bite him in his cute little ass. As for Malkin's and Whitney's struggles? They were both hurt. Ryan Whitney could miss half of this upcoming season because of that injury. Also, the majority of the NHL struggled terribly against the Red Wings last year.

Conklin, don't forget, carried the Pens through a portion of last season, winning 10 of 11 in one stretch.

I didn't forget. I will forever be indebted to Ty Conklin for that. I also didn't forget this.

Pittsburgh has played its hand, committing to a crew of young players who now have a Cup final appearance on their resumés.

Again, I fail to see why this is a bad thing.

They'll have to propel this team over the top, for the salary cap world means there won't be enough money to get them help.

See: Ducks, Anaheim and Flyers, Philadelphia. Not Penguins, Pittsburgh.

USA! USA! USA!

Watching the Ryder Cup makes has gotten me to thinking...don't you think it would be an ingenious marketing ploy for a minor league sports team, or even a major league establishment to put butts in the seats by announcing that for a certain home game, they will be sponsoring an attempt for the Guinness World Record for the "Longest and Loudest USA Chant"? I think it would be. I would go. That's all.

FRD's Roast of Michael Phelps

A new segment here at FRD which is still in the "testing" phase or "beta" phase, whichever you prefer.  We're going to do roasts of figures in sports whether it be athletes, coaches, teams, or even fans. Ideally, you will see all of FRD contributors writing on these, but for the time being we're still working out the kinks...

Our first roast is of olympic hero, Michael Phelps.  It might be hard to make fun of the greatest olympic athlete of all-time, but we found away.  Keep in my we roast out of love, and have a lot of respect for Mr. Phelps despite what we say below.  

Roast starts here....

8 gold medals…Jesus Christ …you’ve got more gold around your neck than a new jersey jew. 

 Way to pick a fag sport like swimming, It’s no wonder you’re dad isn’t around. 

 I hear he’s a cop in Baltimore…what more likely to put him in an early grave some crackhead with a gun or you finally coming out of the closet. 

 But you really are quite the swimmer; you’ve spent more time in the water than Bill Shatner’s wife….The chlorine has left your eyes more permanently blood shot than Snoop dogs. 

So you’re the greatest Olympic athlete of all-time…that’s terrific… The weed smoking bobsled team, the AIDS infected diver, and roided up runners, you’ve outshined them all….what an outstanding accomplishment. 

We’re so blessed with swimmers in the US..I mean we’ve had Mark Spitz and now you, Michael Swallows….it’s a rich tradition.  

I hear you eat over 12,000 calories a day…damn that’s impressive…I had no idea Bob Costas’ dick was so fattening. 

Bob's laughing it up.

You’ve been a great ambassador for your sport…you’ve introduced swimming to more minorities than hurricane Katrina.

 But hey man, you and me…we’re not so different….

You spent time in ann arbor going to school….I spent some time in your sister going to school. 

You’ve beaten the French in competition…I’ve beaten a French guy in a bar fight. 

You have a great rivalry with an Australian celebrity…sometimes I pretend to be a Australian celebrity to pick up drunk chicks.....

 Guy walks in a bar …Bartender says what’ll you have? Guy says give me a Michael Phelps.  Bartender says what’s that?  Guy says “it’s a tall boring drink of water, that girls love for some unexplainable reason and occasionally guys get caught slurping on it.”

The thing I like most about you Mike is you’re not a swimmer, you’re so much more than that and I can see much more success in your future…I’m sure that skill of holding your breath underwater will come in handy in your future.  

I hear you’ve made over 100 million dollars in your career…more than of any your contemporaries…that’s way more than Corky kid made or that kid from Mask. 

 So let me get this straight (unlike your sexuality)….for a living you have to wear goggles, barely wear any clothes and shower right after to clean up….are you swimming or making bukkake videos for a living?

I got a question you elitest bitch; you ever make fun of another swimmers stroke?  Not in the pool but in the circle jerks you fags have after. ….That bleach smell in arena aint the chlorine folks…

You packed in 8 races in 7 days…beating your old record of packing 7 dudes in 7 days…where do you find the time.

So your mom thought you were hyper as a kid and threw you in a pool to burn off some energry…what is that from the susan smith school of parenting?

So Phelps in closing I salute and I congratulate you… you’ve left a lasting legacy and like you said, “left if all in the water.” Although that floater was not very appreciated by the Chinese.  

"Grrrrrr"-Chinese Guy

See You Next Tuesday: Olympic Edition

Sorry it's been a couple weeks with no See You Next Tuesday, but with no further ado, the Olympic Edition...

Brett Favre Brett Feavre Brett Favre Brettt Favre Brett Favre Brett Favre Brett Favre

Anyone else sick of that name? I took the day off of work today to take care of some other things and I spent the morning writing and watching ESPN because the only other thing on television was a test pattern for a public access station. I switched to the test pattern after about ten minutes. I already have a general dislike for the way ESPN presents sports coverage and today was no different as I was subjected to the Brett Favre Off-season Soap Opera.

Apparently he has been reinstated and reported to training camp. Now the issue is whether the Packers will automatically make him the starter, leave it to an open competition or trade him. At this point the only possible winner in any event is Favre, who will get another chance to suit up and sling the pigskin around. By "win", I mean save face in the media, which will surround this situation until months after Favre retires again, which could be when Jesus comes back for all I know.

Although it's been discussed ad-nauseum, here's what I think is at stake with the advent of Brett Favre's return to football:
1) Brett Favre is a future hall of fame quarterback who enjoyed one of his best seasons last year. Whichever team he plays for expects that he will be able to duplicate the same type of performance for them and lead them to a superbowl.
2) Aaron Rodgers, who has been in the league for four years, will have his starting job put in jeopardy because Brett is comin' back. His career will be delayed until they get this issue settled.
3) The Green Bay organization has one of two choices to make - Make Brett Favre their starter or make him some other team's starter.

Look at issue number one- Brett's performance last year and how that's affected the situation. Last year was one of the best in his career. What statistics may not show is that he was beat on twice in cold weather situations, once against a below average Bears team (biased cackle) and again in the playoffs versus the Giants where he himself threw the interception that cost them the game. Favre is known for his ability to thrive in harsh weather conditions and there he was last year, falling short of the legend that precedes him. A prevalent arguement for the Giants game is that although his did throw that crucial interception, he was the reason they were in the NFC championship game anyway. That's nice and all, but the fact remains that the Packers lost their chance at a superbowl directly because of a mistake he made. There are many quarterbacks in the NFL who have their passing statistics follow them around like a scarlet letter. Yet somehow the league leader in career interceptions is immune to this harsh criticism.
Nobody can predict that Favre will have the season he had last year and not have the season he had two or three years ago when the Packers were bottom feeders and he was initially mulling over retirement.

Any team that makes Brett Favre their starter, whether it be the Packers or the Vikings or whoever, has to make the Superbowl. Brett Favre has to return to a Superbowl to validate all of this chaos. If Brett starts and the team he plays for doesn't make the playoffs or loses a divisional game or the NFC Championship game again, then what was the point? (insert team) wants Brett Favre to be their starter because in their minds they will instantly become superbowl contenders. Otherwise you just acquired a better version of Jeff Garcia, with all of the ensuing "Should I retire today or five years from today" conversations.

P.S. - The Bears have come up as a possible landing place for Favre because of our current quarterback situation. Because the only problem we ever have is at quarterback. I don't want Favre on the team, but it would be nice to see him struggle in Chicago behind a shotty offensive line, a rookie running back and a questionable recieving staff. I think Favre coming to the Bears would be the best thing to happen to Grossman.

As for point number two, I really would like to see Aaron Rodgers start for a team in the NFL. In a way, he has more to prove than anyone I can recall. He was a possible number one overall pick in the 2003 draft, only to snubbed by the 49ers and drop late into the first round into the Pakcers' hands. Alex Smith is struggling in San Fran and if Rodgers was able to make a name for himself other than as Favre's backup, it would be an interesting story that they overlooked him. Add in all of the Favre drama, and Rodgers has alot to overcome.

Shifting to point bumber three, I'm not sure how Ted Thompson and Mike Mccarthy don't drink themselves to sleep thinking about this and reading it in the newspaper. If Brett Favre comes back, plays for the Pack and takes them to a Superbowl, then boo-yeah. But if Favre comes back and starts to struggle, or feels like retiring again and quits mid season, then they are left with their hands on their dicks (each person would have their hand on their own dick, not someone else's). Or they trade him to a division rival (which in any situation in any sport is a bad idea) and he finds success there and the Packer fan base is upset yet again.

I can't wait for whatever fate has in store for this situation to unfold because it's hard to even want to follow sports when Favre is permeating all forms of the media. And I pray for the day when he can't hack it anymore or alzheimers makes him forget that he was a football player and he doesn't show up to camp.

Goodbye Hugecock

One of my all-time favorite OSU players has decided to retire from football.  On behalf of all of us here at FRD, I wish him the best.  

Go For It Jews!

Let me be the first to congratulate Fire Reggie Dunlop artist extraordinaire, Bernard Washington III aka Kyle Higaki, on his hilarious submission to Puck Daddy's Gary Bettman Photoshop Contest. Bravo, good sir. You have mastered the internet.

I can only hope that "Go For It Jews!" catches on elsewhere.

See You Next Tuesday

There is a lot going on in sports right now, so here is another installment, called "Trail of Tears".