Fire Reggie Dunlop

In a fit of irony and role reversal, you have the headache.

2009-09-27T23:40:00.001-04:00

Just in case you don't think Tim Tebow is a douchebag, here you go.

More of This Guy; Less of Rafalski

2009-05-01T15:52:00.003-04:00

If you look at the picture really fast his thumb kind of looks like a ball sac. That is all.

Chelios in the lineup tonight; Brian Rafalski is out. God help us all.

Round 2: More Proof I Have No Idea What I'm Talking About

2009-04-29T19:12:00.005-04:00

Before I get to round 2 predictions for the NHL, I'll cover a few random thoughts from round 1:

The Sharks are soft. There is no doubting this now, they'll need significant changes before they can challenge for a cup
I don't put it all on Thorton, he's has every tool you could ever want in a hockey player but he's not going to be the guy, he needs someone to defer to.
Jeremy Roenick= HUGE FUCKING LOSER
Columbus needs a top pair defense and a legit center before they are ready for prime time.
Most overrated player in the NHL? Alex Kovalev.
RJ Umberger is a fantastic playoff performer.

Predictions:

Western Conference:

- Red Wings over Ducks in 5.

As a Wings fan, I'm not so worried about the Ducks even though they are pretty hot right now. I am worried about Pronger putting a cheap shot on #5 or #13. I also could fear a situation where Aaron Downey has to dress in this series. I'm not sold on Jonas Hiller and in the end I still think this is the same undisciplined Ducks team that will blow it.

-Canucks over Chicago in 6.

Chicago has looked better than I thought, they are close to contending. However, Vancouver is in a nice situation here. No one seems to be talking about them and they definitely have the experience and goaltending to win it. They are a very good team.

Eastern Conference:

- Boston over Carolina in 7.

Carolina runs out of gas here, but I'm not sure Boston is any better than a 2-round type team.

-Pittsburgh over Washington in 7

Washington will get a boost from playing at home and coming back in that round one series. I'm really starting to believe Pittsburgh's success depends upon their mental makeup... and it's only fair to question it.

In Honor of the Impending Red Wings Win Tonight

2009-04-21T13:44:00.002-04:00

RIP Mrs. Hockey.

Obligatory NBA Playoffs Post.

2009-04-18T09:28:00.004-04:00

So I'm pretty sure the NBA playoffs start in something like 2 hours, I'm not really sure, is anybody? Now, I'm sure the NBA's key demographic is more than anticipating this years playoffs, but allow me to preface the rest of what I write with this-- this is the worst season of NBA basketball I have witnessed in my entire life.

I was going to expand on this quite a bit further, but I'll get bored, you'll get bored, and we'll just avoid it. In summary, watching Lebron, D-Wade, or Kobe barrell into the lane during the 4th quarter, throw their body around with no regard while their teammates clear out the lane and stand idly around, is not an appealing style of basketball. It's gotta be some pseduo-And 1 influence and in my holier than now opinion, is not incline with the true essence or spirit of the game.

Oh how I yearn for the days of this:

Anyways, here is FRD's Worst Playoff Preview in History:

Eastern Conference:

Round 1

CLEV over DET in 6. The Pistons have a little fight left in them to steal a couple of games, but soon we will be able to prove Joe Dumars has just been getting lucky for a couple of years, and the real credit for Pistons teams belongs to others.

Celtics Over Bulls in 7. I'm not sold we don't see KG again this playoff-season.

Magic over 76ers in 5. Jimmy Hayes will fail to notice.

Heat over Hawks in 6. You think the NBA is going to avoid a Lebron D-Wade matchup in the playoffs? C'mon.

Round Two

Clev over Miami in 7- It goes 7. That's right.

Magic over Celtics in 6- The power of youth, or something like that.

Conference Finals:

Magic over Cavs in 6- Man in the league office going to be pissed. Van Gundy is working his way into the all-time underrated coaches list.

Western Conference:

Round One:

Lakers over Utah in 5- I like Utah, but it's not happening here.

Denver over New Orleans in 5- Billups is the 3rd best point guard in the NBA. Think about that.

San Antonio over Dallas in 5- I'm a Rick Carlisle guy, but probably not happening here.

Portland over Houston in 7- I know he's not playing, but Tracy McGrady is approaching Peyton Manning levels of loserness.

Round Two

Lakers over Portland in 7- The NBA going to work here for Kobe and Phil.

Denver over San Antonio in 7- I can only name 4 active Spurs players.

Conference Finals:

Lakers over Denver in 5- Did you know the weirdo who sits next to Jack Nicolson at Lakers games is actually the father of musician/reality loser/ douchebag extraordinaire, Cisco Alder?

The Finals:

Lakers over Magic in 6- Mike Tyson won the heavyweight title after he served his sentence for rape, why not let Kobe?

The Worst Playoff Preview in History

2009-04-12T22:18:00.009-04:00

Chelios, The American Bad-Ass, Ari Gold, and The Canadian Bad-Ass?

The weather is starting to warm up, baseball is back, and Puxatony Phil is dead. That can only mean one thing....it's time for the Stanley Cup Playoffs. Keeping with tradition here at FRD, I give you the worst playoff preview possible.....

Eastern Conference

Round 1

Boston v. Montreal

The Ambassador Detroit Browne: Predicted Winner: Boston in 5.

Flawed Reasoning: This could be a tougher series for the B's, but I think Montreal is ready to turn it in already. That and I don't believe any of the Cary Price hype. Is he even their starting goalie anymore?

Reverend Woodrow Morris: Predicted Winner: Boston in 4.

Flawed Reasoning: This Montreal team isn't good. Price is a solid goaltender, but in order for him to get hot and steal some games there has to be some semblance of a defense in front of him. Montreal doesn't have that.

Washington v. NYR

D. Browne: Predicted Winner: Washington in 6

Flawed Reasoning: The Rangers a feisty club, but probably don't have enough to hang here.

W. Morris: Predicted Winner: Washington in 7

Flawed Reasoning: I agree with the Ambassador here. I see the Rangers winning a few games, but clearly they do not have the talent to keep up with Washington. However, if the Rangers can win one of the first two in DC, I can honestly see them winning this series. Washington is a heavily flawed team yet people fail to realize these flaws because of Ovechkin. Remember, Jose Theodore is the goalie of this team and they rely too heavily on their power play. The idea of facing King Henrik in a long series should scare the shit out of Washington and their fans.

New Jersey v. Carolina

D. Browne: Predicted Winner: Carolina in 7.

Flawed Reasoning: NJ is pretty cold right now and Carolina is pretty hot; however, I'm not sure that will manifest itself in this series. The Devils are a better defensive club, and Brodeur will have the ability to steal some wins, but I see the Hurricanes pulling a small upset here in seven.

W. Morris: Predicted Winner: Carolina in 6.

Flawed Reasoning: This is a matchup of probably the hottest team in the NHL right now against one of the coldest. Over the last two months or so of the season no one has beaten this Carolina team, let alone four times in seven games. It is also a matchup of the two goalies most likely to get insanely hot and steal a series down the road. Personally, I like Cam Ward to do that over Brodeur. Maybe because Ward hasn't fucked his wife's sister yet. However, I don't think the Hurricanes are going to need Ward to be on acid to win this series. I think they're the better team especially over the second half of the season.

Philly v. Pittsburgh

D. Browne: Predicted Winner: Pittsburgh in 7

Flawed Reasoning: I expect this to be a pretty physical series, but ultimately the Pens having too much fire power.

W. Morris: Predicted Winner: Pittsburgh in 5

Flawed Reasoning: Apart from the Hurricanes, no team has been more impressive than the Penguins. Their performance over the latter part of the season to not only get into the playoffs, but to get home ice advantage in the first round is beyond impressive. One thing that is not impressive though is Philadelphia playing 5 on 5. This team is a power play and nothing else. Teams that rely on special teams do not succeed in the playoffs. The games are tighter and the opportunities just aren't there. Add to that the fact that while Philly is strong with the man advantage, they take more penalties than anyone else in the NHL so against strong teams their dominance 5 on 4 is negligible since they'll spend an equal amount of time killing off dumb penalties. Also, Martin Biron isn't good. He has weird eyes too.

Round 2.

Boston v. Carolina

D. Browne: Predicted Winner: Bruins in 7

Flawed Reasoning: Two evenly matched teams in my opinion, Boston gets the nod because of home ice.

W. Morris: Predicted Winner: Bruins in 7

Flawed Reasoning: As much as I have liked the way that Carolina has played recently, I just think this Bruins team will be too much for them. Thomas has been unreal this year and should get consideration for MVP in my opinion, but there is no chance he'll finish top 3. I think the only way Carolina wins this series is if they can somehow turn it into a fast paced shootout, but with these two goalies the chances of that happening are pretty remote.

Washington v. Pittsburgh

D. Browne: Predicted Winner: Pittsburgh in 7.

Flawed Reasoning: The matchup the NHL wants. I'll give the nod to the Pens here because I am not a believer in the Caps D and think they need another year of experience before they can make the jump.

W. Morris: Predicted Winner: Pittsburgh in 6

Flawed Reasoning: Honestly, I think I'm being generous here giving Washington two wins. The key for this series, and all playoffs long for that matter, for the Penguins is going to be their third line of Matt Cooke, Jordan Staal and Tyler Kennedy. Everyone knows what the Crosby line and Malkin line is going to do for Pittsburgh. Washington has a talented group with Ovechkin's line. However, Washington has no answer for this third line. Hell, no one in the East does. It isn't even so much that this line has been scoring of late, it's how they can totally control the flow of a game. Some of their best shifts this season have been when they spend 1:30 in the offensive zone until Malkin or Crosby can come on and finish the job. This line has been great defensively as well. I wouldn't be surprised to see Bylsma match this line up with Ovechkin every so often to not only give Crosby a chance for a mismatch but also this line would suffocate Washington's top guns. Jordan Staal is going to win a Selke very, very soon. Most importantly, I just don't see how this Capitals team can expect to keep up with Pittsburgh. Ovie is going to get his goals but then what? Washington can't even win this series if they try and make it an up and down shootathon.

Conference Finals

Boston v. Pittsburgh

D. Browne: Predicted Winner: Pittsburgh in 6.

Flawed Reasoning: Either team that makes it through to the point will pretty much be dead, so it could easily go either way. Additionally, I hate picking Pittsburgh and think they are a heavily flaw team, but in this situation they have a little bit more experience and the stars to advance.

W. Morris: Predicted Winner: Pittsburgh in 7

Flawed Reasoning: Jesus, have we picked the same winners in every series so far? This really is a joke preview. Anyway, this will be an excellent series. I hope this happens. Both teams are strong five on five and in net and have the depth that it takes to win in the playoffs. But ultimately, I really like this Penguins team and they way they have been playing.

Western Conference

Round 1

San Jose v. Anaheim

D. Browne: Predicted Winner: San Jose in 6

Flawed Reasoning: The Ducks have come on as of late, but the Sharks are too focused this year to choke it away in round one.

W. Morris: Predicted Winner: San Jose in 5

Flawed Reasoning: As much as I have liked the Ducks recently they got the short end of the stick here. This is going to be a hard nosed series, which one would think might play to Anaheim's advantage. Remember how Calgary almost beat San Jose by kicking the shit out of them every night last year? But, this San Jose team is good. Real good. Too much for Anaheim to handle in what turns out to be one of the better first round matchups even though I only see it going 5 games.

Detroit v. Columbus

D. Browne: Predicted Winner: Detroit in 5

Flawed Reasoning: Detroit has been playing lousy of late, but so has the CBJ. Steven Mason getting hot here could be scary, but this is ultimately a leaning experience for Columbus, they just don't have the horses yet.

W. Morris: Predicted Winner: Detroit in 6

Flawed Reasoning: If Mason decides to turn into Cam Ward circa 2005, Detroit goes home early. Actually, on second thought, this Blue Jackets team is eerily similar to that Hurricanes team that won it all. Just something to watch out for. But, I don't see the Blue Jackets pulling off this upset. As much as I would LOVE to see it. I also don't see this series ending in 5 because I have tickets to game 6 in Columbus and want to use them.

Vancouver v. St Louis

D. Browne: Predicted Winner: Vancouver in 4.

Flawed Reasoning: It's a miracle the Blues are in the playoffs, let alone the 6-seed. Too much travel here against too good of a team. The Canucks land the only first round sweep.

W. Morris: Predicted Winner: Vancouver in 4.

Flawed Reasoning: The Blues are the great story of the NHL this season. That doesn't win hockey games.

Chicago v. Calgary

D. Browne: Predicted Winner: Calgary in 6

Flawed Reasoning: Chicago is in a little over it's head in this matchup and better protect home ice if they want to have any chance. In the end, Calgary has too much firepower in this one.

W. Morris: Predicted Winner: Chicago in 7

Flawed Reasoning: What a great series this is going to be. If this series took place a week and a half ago, I'd pick Calgary in 6 but they have fallen on hard times. Hell, they've been putting 15 skaters on the ice recently due to salary cap concerns. While that doesn't matter in the free of charge playoffs, I don't think this team is in the right place mentally to win a series. Calgary's first line is mean and Kipper getting hot is not only a legit possibility but probably the death knell for Chicago. I had Calgary going deep into the playoffs a few weeks ago, maybe even winning the West, but the way things have shaken out up there I just can't bring myself to do it any longer.

Round 2

D. Browne: San Jose v. Calgary

Predicted Winner: San Jose in 5

Flawed Reasoning: Calgary is prone to defensive lapses and that will be deadly against the Sharks. They just seemed to relaxed to get themselves into trouble this year.

Detroit v. Vancouver

Predicted Winner: Vancouver in 7

Flawed Reasoning: Vancouver is a tricky team in that they have a odd mix of talent and experience. Luongo is the difference here in a back and forth seven-game series.

W. Morris: San Jose v. Chicago

Predicted Winner: San Jose in 6

Flawed Reasoning: Chicago is good and will be good for a few years to come. Their defense is surprisingly strong and their blue line can move the puck with the best of them. However, the Calgary series is going to take something out of them. Anaheim is going to push San Jose around and try to out muscle them on a daily basis, but I see San Jose responding to that whereas I see Calgary and Chicago just playing balls out, dead tiring, solid hockey for 7 games. This is the year San Jose breaks through the wall that is the second round.

Detroit v. Vancouver

Predicted Winner: Detroit in 6

Flawed Reasoning: This Red Wings team seriously baffles the shit out of me. The team as a whole has put up almost identical numbers to last year yet their goaltending is so much worse it's unreal. Detroit is immune to mediocre goaltending and it doesn't make any fucking sense. As much as I would like to pick Vancouver here and as good of a case I could make for that happening, Detroit will find a way to overcome the crap storm that is Osklin.

Conference Finals

D. Browne: San Jose v. Vancouver

Predicted Winner: San Jose in 5.

Flawed Reasoning: They were the best team in the NHL for a reason. Here they benefit from facing a tired Canucks squad.

W. Morris: San Jose v. Detroit

Predicted Winner: San Jose in 7.

Flawed Reasoning: Another series that I really, really hope happens. If my predictions are right, which they won't be, we are in for a fucking treat with these conference finals. I've been high on this San Jose team all year long and I'm not going to jump off the bandwagon now. Not only do the Sharks tell Ron Wilson to suck it, but they win the West while doing it.

Stanley Cup Finals

San Jose v. Pittsburgh

D. Browne: Predicted Winner: San Jose in 4

Flawed Reasoning: The Sharks are the most complete team in the NHL and will be a tough matchup for the Pens, assuming they don't self-destruct. I can see the Pens being dead at this point because of their battle to get out of the east combined with their second half push, leaving them on the losing side of the finals again.

W. Morris: Predicted Winner: Pittsburgh in 6

Flawed Reasoning: As much as I love this Sharks team, I love this Penguins team even more. Pens win the cup and I get to shit in the mouths of at least 6 people.

Euro Trash Will Reign Supreme

2009-04-08T21:20:00.003-04:00

Predicted Winner of The Masters: Paul Casey at -9.

You're welcome.

Gold Jacket, Green Jacket, Who Gives a Shit?

2009-04-06T21:28:00.003-04:00

It's the week of the Masters, one of my personal favorites of the year. I'm not sure any geographical location can look as attractive as Augusta National does in April. Maybe that's cause I'm stuck in the Midwest and woke up to 8 inches of snow on April 4th.

I'm also a bit of a sucker for all the tradition and etiquette of the tournament. One of the most interesting parts of that tradition is Clifford Roberts, a guy you gotta respect for blowing his brains out on the actual course.

Here's a little something to get you ready for "a tradition unlike any other."

A Rebirth: We're Talkin' Baseball

2009-04-03T05:21:00.004-04:00

It's been a long time my FRD friends, too long. So I've decided to bring this blog back--hopefully with an influx of original material-- for the time being. I'll attempt to encourage the other FRD contributers to do the same, but we're clearly not a very proactive group.

Anyways, the start of the baseball season is just around the corner and I figured I would keep with the FRD tradition of providing the worst season preview possible for the occasion. Since everyone is doing a season preview these days I'll spice ours up a bit by going with a movie theme (meaning I'll compare each team to a movie.) Enjoy.

Edit: You know what, fuck that movie theme stuff. I'm writing this at 5:30 AM with a two hours of Property staring me down in roughly 4 hours. My priorities are seriously out of order.

Edit #2: I guess I should disclose that I used to be a bit of a baseball stats geek and keep that in mind when looking at these predictions. On the other hand, I used to collect baseball cards too

AL East

Yankees
Red Sox-WC
Rays
Blue Jays
Orioles

AL Central

White Sox
Tigers
Royals (My biggest sleeper squad, I like their makeup)
Indians
Twins

AL West

Angels
Athletics
Rangers
Mariners

NL East

Mets
Braves-WC
Phillies
Marlins
Nationals

NL Central (Somehow I think this might be the best division in baseball now)

Astros
Cubs
Cardinals
Brewers
Reds
Pirates

NL West

Dodgers
D-Backs
Rockies
Padres
Giants

Playoffs--

Yankees over White Sox

Red Sox over Angels (Donnie Moore Curse in full effect)

Mets over Astros

Dodgers over Braves

-----------------------------------------

Red Sox over Yankees

Mets over Dodgers

__________________

World Series: Mets over Red Sox.

***Bonus***

Award Predictions--

AL MVP: Carlos Quentin

NL MVP: Albert Pujols

AL Cy Young: Jon Lester

NL Cy Young: Johan Santana

AL ROY: Brett Anderson, Oakland

NL ROY: Cameron Maybin

I leave you with this....

Top 10 Albums of 2008???

2008-12-09T12:19:00.004-05:00

I compiled this list while sitting in a review session a week ago and Rev. Woodrow Morris suggested I post it here. It ain't going to be pretty cause I'm fitting it in on a break from finals (which are a lot more stressful than undergrad finals.)

This list is based on my opinion only and oddly has a strange indie dance music vide to it this year....

1)Vampire Weekend- Vampire Weekend: A lot people heard this stuff long before it actually was released in January 2008, but yeah technically it counts.

It’s smart, almost pretentiously smart, but it’s very, very good. Smart, simple pop songs. This album is made to listen to on sunny 80-degree days with no clouds in the sky.

For some reason it almost reminds me of Paul Simon, I don’t know why.

2) M83- Saturday = Youth: It sounds like the 80s, you can’t deny it, but it’s good. Every song has a different vibe, but they are all very catchy. Kind of has a movie score feel to it.

3) Bon Iver- For Emma, Forever ago: Sort of the antithesis to Vampire Weekend in my mind. What I imagine Iron and Wine would sound like if he was still getting critical acclaim and showed signs of passion once in awhile.

a sorta cool a capella thing they did below

4) Tokyo Police Club- Elephant Shell: One of the more traditional bands to make my top 10, although that’s debatable. Much like Vampire Weekend most of these songs leaked long before they were actually released.

It hasn’t held up as well after multiple listens, but it’s a rock solid album with a DIY vibe that I’ve always enjoyed.

5) Fleet Foxes- Fleet Foxes: At first I didn’t get this stuff, I didn’t dislike it, but I didn’t see where it was going. It took me having to listen to the album to get it. I don’t know how to describe it, theatrical folk? Whatever it is it, it good and progressive.

Think Arcade Fire with better harmonies and less noise.

6) Black Kids- Partie Traumatic: This generated a lot of noise prior to it’s release and probably didn’t live up to the hype, but it’s still very good.

Certainly has a dance feel to it, but enough elements of other stuff to not be too feminine. Just solid innovative pop songs.

7) Mates of State- Re-Arrange Us- I first discovered this band in 2004 when they opened a small smoke filled room for the strokes, at the time the wife of the husband/wife duo was about 8 months pregnant. Since then they’ve gained a bit of notoriety and cemented their indie cred.

Another great album, my only complaint would be they’re stuff tends to sound the same if you listen to a lot of it.

8) Santogold- Santogold: I’m pretty sure no one who knows me would expect me to like this album, but I do. It’s good.

A strange mixture of hip-hop, soul, indie and dance music. I think this girl is very talented and will probably make a impact in the future as well. The LES Artistes song might be the best single of the year and I’m being serious, try and find me a better song for the radio.

9) Mountain Goats- Heretic Pride: Solid album from indie rock veterans. Nothing outstanding and probably not their best work, but a very solid record none the less. Opening song is one of the 10 best of the year.

10) The Hold Steady- Stay Positive: Straight forward record from an American indie rock band. There is nothing earth shattering here, but it’s consistently good. I imagine this is what Randy Newman sounds like with a rock band behind him.

The Worst Season Preview Ever

2008-10-18T13:46:00.003-04:00

I initially intended on doing a full preview for both conferences for the upcoming NHL season. But, turns out I'm lazy. Plus the season already started. Here's the half assed version.

Western Conference

Division Winners

Detroit - This team is too stacked. On paper.

San Jose - The Pacific will be tighter than your sister's vag all year long. The Sharks come out on top. Evgeni Nabokov isn't human.

Calgary - The Northwest isn't very good this year. You could pick any one of those teams and have it seem logical.

Surprise Team - Phoenix Coyotes

This team will make the playoffs this year in a very good Western Conference. The easy "surprise" team to pick would be Chicago, but I'm not buying into them just yet. Phoenix has great young talent, veteran leadership in guys like Shane Doan, and they added Olli Jokinen in the offseason. I might also be the only person not related to him to think that Ilya Bryzgalov could potentially be a top 10 goaltender in the league. Edmonton could turn some heads as well.

Western Conference Champion - San Jose Sharks

Yeah. I said it. The playoffs are a totally different monster than the regular season. Lost in all the "OMG Detroit is, like, sooooo good. Lolz!!1!" bullshit is the fact that this San Jose team is fucking good.

Eastern Conference

Division Winners

Montreal - Cary Price is disgusting. Alexei Kovalev is underrated in the Tim Duncan sense.

Pittsburgh - Blah, blah, blah, no Hossa, blah, blah, injuries, blah, blah, Stanley Cup hangover, blah, blah. Suck dick.

Washington - This team could win the East. Their defense is extremely underrated.

Surprise Team - Buffalo Sabres

Picking a surprise team in the East isn't really that much of a stretch. Outside of the top 4 or 5 teams, it's wide open. Mainly because the rest of the East kind of sucks. I'm picking Buffalo to surprise some people and beat out Boston for a playoff spot from the Northeast division. Most people are saying Tampa Bay will make the playoffs in a weak conference and an even weaker division but I'm not seeing that because Tampa sucks. Ryan Malone will score less than 50 points this season. Write that down. Even though I just did. Teams don't make the playoffs having 3 goal scorers, overpaid middle of the pack talent and one of those Shooter Tutors in net. Buffalo is where it's at. Carolina could do something too.

Eastern Conference Champion - Pittsburgh Penguins Washington Capitals

I'm drinking the Kool Aid. If Jose Theodore plays well, this team will rack up a ton of gimme points playing in the Nascar Division. Granted, that could be a huge "if". I'm not buying into the Don Cherry way of thinking that Alexander Ovechkin will fall off this year. Cherry is an idiot and should probably go choke down a shotgun barrell. I'll also catch way too much shit for picking the Penguins even though they are best team in the Eastern Conference. Like it or not, it's true. Deal with it.

Stanley Cup Champions - San Jose over Washington in 6.

President's Trophy - Detroit - They get to play Columbus, Nashville, Chicago and St. Louis more than anyone else in the league. Second round upset to Dallas.

Hart Trophy - Sidney Crosby, Pittsburgh - Yeah. Fuck off.

Vezina Trophy - Evgeni Nabokov, San Jose - If the Sharks do as well as I think they will this year, then he'll need to be huge. Martin Brodeur is a cock gobbler.

Lady Bing Trophy - Some pussy. Probably from Detroit.

Calder Trophy - Kyle Turris, Phoenix - The easy pick would be Steve Stamkos, but fuck him. Melrose is a terrible coach and it's going to hurt him. I'll take Turris, Alex Goligoski (since he's getting a ton of responsibility with Gonchar and Whitney being out), and Stamkos as my top three.

Art Ross Trophy - Crosby. Point machine.

Norris Trophy - Nicklas Lidstrom, Detroit- He'll win this award every year until he retires. You can talk about Dion Phaneuf all you want. Until Lidstrom hangs em up, no one else should, or will, win this thing.

Rocket Richard Trophy - Rick Nash, Columbus - There isn't anyone else on that team who can score and sooner or later Nash has to get really pissed off about this and just start shooting the puck 100 times a game.

C'mon Braden, Our Line Starts

2008-09-27T14:12:00.004-04:00

Sadly, our namesake, Paul Newman passed away today at the age of 83. To say that he was a great actor and a great human being would be a wild understatement. His acting resume is unreal. His Newman's Own brand has contributed over $250 million to charity. Not to mention he was from Cleveland so I've always felt some sort of connection to him.

In honor of his passing, Fire Reggie Dunlop will be sporting the memorial black armband at the top of the page. I will also get drunk and watch Slap Shot and Cool Hand Luke at least 5 times each this weekend. I recommend that everyone else do the same. So long, Reg.

Shitting On Someone Else's Lawn

2008-09-24T19:04:00.003-04:00

I figure since we basically stole the title for this blog from some other blog of a similar name, I might as well steal the basis for their blog as well. Only I like hockey better than baseball. I also recently read an article by Damien Cox of the Toronto Star that made me confused. A little angry. Kind of hungry. Mostly confused. Anyways, you may have seen this done before only funnier than how I'm about to do it.

The Pittsburgh Penguins didn't win the Stanley Cup last spring.

Thanks, dick.

But they sure paid for the visit to the final.

Nothing in life is free.

In massive new contracts for Evgeni Malkin (five years, $43.5 million), goalie Marc-Andre Fleury (seven years, $35 million) and defenceman Brooks Orpik (six years, $22.5 million), the Pens no longer boast a relatively affordable roster of young, improving players.

Oh, you were talking contracts, not hotel rooms. How long is this young, improving talent supposed to play for the league minimum by the way? Over the course of their entry level contract, you say? Well those expired and the Penguins made sure they didn't go anywhere. Like Toronto.

They still have the young players and they may well all still be improving.

That's sort of the idea. They will still have these young players for many years.

But affordable? Well, just. The formerly bankrupt Penguins, who host the Maple Leafs in exhibition play tomorrow night, are pushing right up against the NHL's $56 million salary cap.

Yes. The Penguins are pushing up against the salary cap. That's the purpose of a salary cap. Good teams spend up to but not over the cap. But why bring up the fact that the Penguins were bankrupt? They have money now. They are spending it on very good hockey players. They also won the Eastern Conference last year. You may know it as the conference where the Maple Leafs finished 12th.

There's no turning back now.

Darn tootin'.

GM Ray Shero has committed to a group of players that includes Malkin, Fleury, Orpik, captain Sidney Crosby and defenceman Ryan Whitney, all of whom are 27 or younger and are now locked up through the 2012-13 season. By next summer, they'll be joined by forward Jordan Staal, who is slated to become a restricted free agent in June.

Exactly. This is why the Penguins will probably be good for a while.

The cost of paying so much to so few, as Tampa Bay found out with its now disbanded Big Three, will be instability and yearly turnover with the other 60 per cent of the roster.

Correct, the Penguins will have "yearly turnover" for role players, grinders and general 3rd and 4th line talent. However, all their good young players, the core of the team, aren't going anywhere until at least 2013. You just said so yourself.

As for "paying so much for so few", each one of those aforementioned players has signed for less than market value. Sidney Crosby and Evgeni Malkin will make on average $8.7 million each year. Two years from now, when presumably long term deals will begin to hurt a team financially, Vincent Lecavalier will make $10 million. He will continue to make that much each year until 2016. Ryan Whitney stands to make about $4.5 million a year until 2013. Ron Hainsey makes more than that. Brooks Orpik took a 6 year deal with Pittsburgh that will pay him $3.75 million a year. Nearly the exact same deal given to Mike Commodore and Brad Stuart.

This summer, the Pens lost unrestricted forwards Gary Roberts, Ryan Malone, Jarkko Ruutu, Marian Hossa, Georges Laraque and Adam Hall, as well as goalie Ty Conklin.

Let's break this down player by player with their 2007-08 regular season and postseason stats with the Penguins:

Marian Hossa - (3G, 7A, 10P - 12G, 14A, 26P) - Hossa was a rental. Pittsburgh hoped he wouldn't be, but it is clear now Marian Hossa was a rental player. He also only played in 12 regular season games for the Penguins. Was he instrumental in the Penguins going 12-2 through the Eastern Conference playoffs? Absolutely. But, the Penguins were 2nd in the East without him. Without Marian Hossa the Penguins still win the East, only they go 6 or 7 games with both the Rangers and Flyers. Remember, he only played in 12 fucking games with the Penguins before the playoff run. His offensive production doesn't need to really be replaced.

Gary Roberts - (3G 12A 15P - 2G 2A 4P) - He's old. He was a healthy scratch throughout the playoffs. Big deal.

Ryan Malone - (27G 24A 51P - 6G 10A 16P) - Malone was a great heart guy for the Pens this past year. He is also set to make $4.5 million a year until 2015. He has never scored more than 27 goals in one season. The Penguins let the overpaid guy leave so they could keep the young talent. If anything you should be writing about how the Tampa Bay Lightning, a club who you have pointed out already is terrible with contracts, has committed to paying a guy $4.5 million a year for the next 7 seasons yet the best year of his career got him 51 points.

Jarkko Ruutu - (6G 10A 16P - 2G 1A 3P) - Why is Ruutu leaving a bad thing? He was also replaced by a younger, cheaper, more talented player in Matt Cooke.

Georges Laraque - (4G 9A 13P - 1G 2A 3P) - Georges Laraque might be the best fighter in the league. There was absolutely no room for him on this team. Eric Godard is a more than suitable replacement.

Adam Hall - (2G 4A 6P - 3G 1A 4P) - If the departure of Adam Hall affects the Penguins season one iota, I will never watch hockey again.

Ty Conklin - It must be said, the Pittsburgh Penguins were where they were last season largely because of this man. Marc-Andre Fleury was injured and Conklin stepped up beyond anyone's wildest expectations. As did Dany Sabourin, the BACKUP goalie the Penguins chose to keep rather than pay Conklin and carry three goaltenders. Plus, the only reason Conklin left was so that he could play in all three outdoor NHL games. Oh yeah, he also did this.

In their place, the club brought in forwards Miro Satan, Ruslan Fedotenko and Eric Godard and will give some farmhands a chance.

In addition to Satan, Fedotenko and Godard, the Penguins also brought in Cooke and Janne Pesonen. A low risk, very high reward player for Shero. Gratned, he may spend most of his time in Wilkes-Barre Scranton. Not accounting for the Hossa rental, Ray Shero chose to let guys who had excelled and were going to be overpaid on the open market walk and bring in cheap talent to replace them. He did something similar with Sergei Gonchar and Petr Sykora. That's worked so far.

The Penguins can expect similar roster churn next summer, with nine more unrestricted free agents.

Those nine UFAs? Satan, Sykora, Fedotenko, Kris Beech, Jeff Taffe, Darryl Sydor, Hal Gill, Rob Scuderi and Sabourin. This "roster churn", or as I prefer to call it, "letting role players become overpaid role players in places like Tampa", will allow for the Penguins to keep their stars in town until 2013. We've been over this, Damien.

Still, many have anointed the Pens as the No.1 team in the Eastern Conference.

Have you seen the East?

But Crosby and Co. do have some speed bumps ahead.

Yes. You drive over speed bumps.

For starters, their training camp has been shortened to 10 days and just four exhibition matches, after which the club will jet to Europe to open the NHL regular season with games against Ottawa in Stockholm on Oct. 4-5.

Sergei Gonchar injured his shoulder in the Penguins first exhibition game. I am totally fine with less of those.

A similar jaunt didn't help Anaheim and Los Angeles last season.

Ok, Anaheim I can kind of understand. However, they still finished with 102 points in the West so going to Europe hardly derailed their season. But Los Angeles? Going to Europe didn't do anything to their season. Having that roster fucked that up.

Satan and Fedotenko are slated to replace the production of Hossa and Malone, but each scored only 16 goals with the Islanders last season.

First off, no one is expected to replace Hossa. Unless the Penguins trade for Marian Gaborik at the deadline. Secondly, 16 goals in the Islanders offense from last year is equal to at least 25 anywhere else in the NHL. Alexander Ovechkin would be held to 30 goals on Long Island. Third, four players from the Maple Leafs, the team that you cover, scored more than 16 goals last year.

The hope is that each will experience a rebirth in Pittsburgh simlar to that enjoyed by Petr Sykora (28 goals) a year ago.

Yes. And with Satan scoring over 600 career goals I wouldn't exactly say it's a pipe dream considering he'll be playing every day with Sidney Crosby as opposed to Bill Guerin. Mr. Cox also neglects to mention the fact that Ruslan Fedotenko is a 3rd line player.

Staal could be shifted to left wing alongside Malkin.

My dick just went hard.

The tricky challenge in the 20-year-old's contract year is to balance his aspirations for more opportunity – and more lucrative contract possibilities – with the team's ability to win.

"We've talked to Jordan," said Shero. "He's got to earn the time."

So let me get this straight, Damien. You first say that the Penguins have to balance Jordan Staal's on ice play with him hoping to get paid. You then follow that with a quote from the GM of the Penguins that basically says Jordan Staal won't play if he's not up to par, regardless of his contract situation. Ok...

While the upside for the Pens is attractive, nothing's for sure.

No fucking shit.

Both Malkin and Whitney struggled terribly against the Wings in the Stanley Cup final, the top two lines are being rebuilt and Fleury has played more than 60 games once.

Clearly Damien Cox's definition of rebuilt differs greatly from mine. When I think "rebuilt" I don't necessarily think of Crosby, Malkin, Fleury, et al, coming back with another year of experience. Experience that includes a run to the Stanley Cup Finals. The only experience Jiri Tlusty has is having nude pictures come back to bite him in his cute little ass. As for Malkin's and Whitney's struggles? They were both hurt. Ryan Whitney could miss half of this upcoming season because of that injury. Also, the majority of the NHL struggled terribly against the Red Wings last year.

Conklin, don't forget, carried the Pens through a portion of last season, winning 10 of 11 in one stretch.

I didn't forget. I will forever be indebted to Ty Conklin for that. I also didn't forget this.

Pittsburgh has played its hand, committing to a crew of young players who now have a Cup final appearance on their resumés.

Again, I fail to see why this is a bad thing.

They'll have to propel this team over the top, for the salary cap world means there won't be enough money to get them help.

See: Ducks, Anaheim and Flyers, Philadelphia. Not Penguins, Pittsburgh.

USA! USA! USA!

2008-09-19T18:35:00.004-04:00

Watching the Ryder Cup makes has gotten me to thinking...don't you think it would be an ingenious marketing ploy for a minor league sports team, or even a major league establishment to put butts in the seats by announcing that for a certain home game, they will be sponsoring an attempt for the Guinness World Record for the "Longest and Loudest USA Chant"? I think it would be. I would go. That's all.

FRD's Roast of Michael Phelps

2008-08-25T23:20:00.010-04:00

A new segment here at FRD which is still in the "testing" phase or "beta" phase, whichever you prefer. We're going to do roasts of figures in sports whether it be athletes, coaches, teams, or even fans. Ideally, you will see all of FRD contributors writing on these, but for the time being we're still working out the kinks...

Our first roast is of olympic hero, Michael Phelps. It might be hard to make fun of the greatest olympic athlete of all-time, but we found away. Keep in my we roast out of love, and have a lot of respect for Mr. Phelps despite what we say below.

Roast starts here....

8 gold medals…Jesus Christ …you’ve got more gold around your neck than a new jersey jew.

Way to pick a fag sport like swimming, It’s no wonder you’re dad isn’t around.

I hear he’s a cop in Baltimore…what more likely to put him in an early grave some crackhead with a gun or you finally coming out of the closet.

But you really are quite the swimmer; you’ve spent more time in the water than Bill Shatner’s wife….The chlorine has left your eyes more permanently blood shot than Snoop dogs.

So you’re the greatest Olympic athlete of all-time…that’s terrific… The weed smoking bobsled team, the AIDS infected diver, and roided up runners, you’ve outshined them all….what an outstanding accomplishment.

We’re so blessed with swimmers in the US..I mean we’ve had Mark Spitz and now you, Michael Swallows….it’s a rich tradition.

I hear you eat over 12,000 calories a day…damn that’s impressive…I had no idea Bob Costas’ dick was so fattening.

Bob's laughing it up.

You’ve been a great ambassador for your sport…you’ve introduced swimming to more minorities than hurricane Katrina.

But hey man, you and me…we’re not so different….

You spent time in ann arbor going to school….I spent some time in your sister going to school.

You’ve beaten the French in competition…I’ve beaten a French guy in a bar fight.

You have a great rivalry with an Australian celebrity…sometimes I pretend to be a Australian celebrity to pick up drunk chicks.....

Guy walks in a bar …Bartender says what’ll you have? Guy says give me a Michael Phelps. Bartender says what’s that? Guy says “it’s a tall boring drink of water, that girls love for some unexplainable reason and occasionally guys get caught slurping on it.”

The thing I like most about you Mike is you’re not a swimmer, you’re so much more than that and I can see much more success in your future…I’m sure that skill of holding your breath underwater will come in handy in your future.

I hear you’ve made over 100 million dollars in your career…more than of any your contemporaries…that’s way more than Corky kid made or that kid from Mask.

So let me get this straight (unlike your sexuality)….for a living you have to wear goggles, barely wear any clothes and shower right after to clean up….are you swimming or making bukkake videos for a living?

I got a question you elitest bitch; you ever make fun of another swimmers stroke? Not in the pool but in the circle jerks you fags have after. ….That bleach smell in arena aint the chlorine folks…

You packed in 8 races in 7 days…beating your old record of packing 7 dudes in 7 days…where do you find the time.

So your mom thought you were hyper as a kid and threw you in a pool to burn off some energry…what is that from the susan smith school of parenting?

So Phelps in closing I salute and I congratulate you… you’ve left a lasting legacy and like you said, “left if all in the water.” Although that floater was not very appreciated by the Chinese.

"Grrrrrr"-Chinese Guy

See You Next Tuesday: Olympic Edition

2008-08-12T01:22:00.003-04:00

Sorry it's been a couple weeks with no See You Next Tuesday, but with no further ado, the Olympic Edition...

Brett Favre Brett Feavre Brett Favre Brettt Favre Brett Favre Brett Favre Brett Favre

2008-08-04T13:51:00.002-04:00

Anyone else sick of that name? I took the day off of work today to take care of some other things and I spent the morning writing and watching ESPN because the only other thing on television was a test pattern for a public access station. I switched to the test pattern after about ten minutes. I already have a general dislike for the way ESPN presents sports coverage and today was no different as I was subjected to the Brett Favre Off-season Soap Opera.

Apparently he has been reinstated and reported to training camp. Now the issue is whether the Packers will automatically make him the starter, leave it to an open competition or trade him. At this point the only possible winner in any event is Favre, who will get another chance to suit up and sling the pigskin around. By "win", I mean save face in the media, which will surround this situation until months after Favre retires again, which could be when Jesus comes back for all I know.

Although it's been discussed ad-nauseum, here's what I think is at stake with the advent of Brett Favre's return to football:
1) Brett Favre is a future hall of fame quarterback who enjoyed one of his best seasons last year. Whichever team he plays for expects that he will be able to duplicate the same type of performance for them and lead them to a superbowl.
2) Aaron Rodgers, who has been in the league for four years, will have his starting job put in jeopardy because Brett is comin' back. His career will be delayed until they get this issue settled.
3) The Green Bay organization has one of two choices to make - Make Brett Favre their starter or make him some other team's starter.

Look at issue number one- Brett's performance last year and how that's affected the situation. Last year was one of the best in his career. What statistics may not show is that he was beat on twice in cold weather situations, once against a below average Bears team (biased cackle) and again in the playoffs versus the Giants where he himself threw the interception that cost them the game. Favre is known for his ability to thrive in harsh weather conditions and there he was last year, falling short of the legend that precedes him. A prevalent arguement for the Giants game is that although his did throw that crucial interception, he was the reason they were in the NFC championship game anyway. That's nice and all, but the fact remains that the Packers lost their chance at a superbowl directly because of a mistake he made. There are many quarterbacks in the NFL who have their passing statistics follow them around like a scarlet letter. Yet somehow the league leader in career interceptions is immune to this harsh criticism.
Nobody can predict that Favre will have the season he had last year and not have the season he had two or three years ago when the Packers were bottom feeders and he was initially mulling over retirement.

Any team that makes Brett Favre their starter, whether it be the Packers or the Vikings or whoever, has to make the Superbowl. Brett Favre has to return to a Superbowl to validate all of this chaos. If Brett starts and the team he plays for doesn't make the playoffs or loses a divisional game or the NFC Championship game again, then what was the point? (insert team) wants Brett Favre to be their starter because in their minds they will instantly become superbowl contenders. Otherwise you just acquired a better version of Jeff Garcia, with all of the ensuing "Should I retire today or five years from today" conversations.

P.S. - The Bears have come up as a possible landing place for Favre because of our current quarterback situation. Because the only problem we ever have is at quarterback. I don't want Favre on the team, but it would be nice to see him struggle in Chicago behind a shotty offensive line, a rookie running back and a questionable recieving staff. I think Favre coming to the Bears would be the best thing to happen to Grossman.

As for point number two, I really would like to see Aaron Rodgers start for a team in the NFL. In a way, he has more to prove than anyone I can recall. He was a possible number one overall pick in the 2003 draft, only to snubbed by the 49ers and drop late into the first round into the Pakcers' hands. Alex Smith is struggling in San Fran and if Rodgers was able to make a name for himself other than as Favre's backup, it would be an interesting story that they overlooked him. Add in all of the Favre drama, and Rodgers has alot to overcome.

Shifting to point bumber three, I'm not sure how Ted Thompson and Mike Mccarthy don't drink themselves to sleep thinking about this and reading it in the newspaper. If Brett Favre comes back, plays for the Pack and takes them to a Superbowl, then boo-yeah. But if Favre comes back and starts to struggle, or feels like retiring again and quits mid season, then they are left with their hands on their dicks (each person would have their hand on their own dick, not someone else's). Or they trade him to a division rival (which in any situation in any sport is a bad idea) and he finds success there and the Packer fan base is upset yet again.

I can't wait for whatever fate has in store for this situation to unfold because it's hard to even want to follow sports when Favre is permeating all forms of the media. And I pray for the day when he can't hack it anymore or alzheimers makes him forget that he was a football player and he doesn't show up to camp.

Goodbye Hugecock

2008-07-29T23:52:00.003-04:00

One of my all-time favorite OSU players has decided to retire from football. On behalf of all of us here at FRD, I wish him the best.

Go For It Jews!

2008-07-24T21:22:00.004-04:00

Let me be the first to congratulate Fire Reggie Dunlop artist extraordinaire, Bernard Washington III aka Kyle Higaki, on his hilarious submission to Puck Daddy's Gary Bettman Photoshop Contest. Bravo, good sir. You have mastered the internet.

I can only hope that "Go For It Jews!" catches on elsewhere.

See You Next Tuesday

2008-07-22T12:29:00.003-04:00

There is a lot going on in sports right now, so here is another installment, called "Trail of Tears".

See You Next Tuesday

2008-07-21T15:37:00.005-04:00

It has been requested that I illustrate what is going on in the world of sports through my intricate MS Paint works of art, so that being said, here is the first installment of FRD's illustrated segment, See You Next Tuesday. I call this piece, "Who the Hell Do You Think You Are?"

The Reverend's Response

2008-07-21T00:25:00.005-04:00

I'm lazy and have been trying to think of something to write about so I'll steal Detroit's previous post and answer those questions myself. A sort of FRD Roundtable or some shit like that. I am not nearly the college football "expert" that he is, but I do really, really enjoy it. I was never a big college football guy until I started at Ohio State however, so most of the things I truely enjoy happened 2002 and later. Whatever. Here goes.

What aspect of college football should you care about, but really don't?

Army-Navy. These teams aren't any good. Yeah, sure, go USA and all that, but as far as actual football is concerned, so what?

Should a two-loss LSU team have won the national title?

Absolutely. Like my colleague said, the system that is in place was in place for everyone. As Joe Morgan would have said if asked "There were no great teams last year." Which is kind of true. There were no undefeated teams or teams that blew everyone away and had only one loss. Ohio State backed in in a sense, but they deserved to be there. LSU came out on top of the two-loss teams and deserved to be there.

How should college football be more like the NFL?

It shouldn't. I hate the NFL. The game is boring to watch. The players are all assholes. (Note: I have never met an NFL player but from what I can tell as a fan, these guys are fucking doucherockets.) I can't stand the NFL so if anything it should try to be more like college football which is unbelieveable.

Your college football guilty pleasure?

I wish I could say recruiting. I tried to get into it but that lasted about two weeks. I attempted to dive into message boards with people who "know their shit" but the vast majority of them are homer assholes who think everything their school does is perfect and if someone doesn't say something that is 100% in favor of their program they are horrible people. So for lack of anything else I'll say co-eds. I don't really feel too guilty about this now, but soon they will be younger than my sister and that will make me feel dirty.

How/why is the BCS better than a playoff?

I'm not so sure that it is, to be honest and I love bowl games and the bowl season. The only problem is that there hasn't been a playoff system brought up that won't have the same pit falls as the BCS. Sure, invite 8 teams to the playoff. What about team 9? What about team 10 who thinks they should be team 8? In many ways, this could be far worse than asking "Who's number 2?" Or you could say that the champs from the major conferences get into the playoff. Then you'll have southern dickhats saying that the number 3 team in the SEC is more deserving than the top team in the Big Ten. Or all these conferences that have championship games will bitch and moan about that. Here's an idea, ass, get rid of the championship game. No one told you to have it. Quit trying to be a fucking martyr.

I'm not buying into.....?

The SEC. I hate the south. I hate southerners. They are backwards, racist and overwhelmingly retarded. It's your fucking bible-thumping faults that our country is going down the shitter. Your conference ain't all that good, either. Sure you've won back to back national titles but so fucking what. SEC speed is non-existant as well. I also get the feeling that most of the fans of SEC schools did not attend said university. Which is also the case here in Columbus and I hate those people with a passion. "Oh you love OSU? You bleed scarlet and gray? Where did you go? Toledo? Shut the fuck up, stupid, and give me my burger." I earned the right to live and die with Ohio State athletics. Just because you grew up in Grove City, Ohio doesn't give you the right. You didn't go to OSU for a reason. (Note: Wow, I went off topic.)

Just how bad is the Big Ten?

Blow me. Sure the bottom half is awful. But I will take the programs of OSU, Michigan, Penn State and even Wisconsin over those southern programs in a second. The Big Ten had an off year and still managed to get a team into the National Title game. And don't pull that "They didn't deserve to be there" whiney bullshit either. Yes they did. And they lost. Talk to me about your wonderful SEC in 5 years. MIDWEST WHAT!

Give the 2010 rankings for: Florida State, Miami, Notre Dame, Michigan and Nebraska.

Florida State - Bowden will still be there as corrupt as ever. I'll say they are a decent team in the ACC again but not a national title contender. Outside shot at Top 25.

Miami - The U will always get talent there. I'm fairly certain it isn't even really a school and the only people that go there are athletes. It's like Oak Hill Academy and Tom Zemansky's School of Baseball rolled into one. A force in the ACC, moreso than FSU. Back in the national title picture until they lose a stupid game or two midway through the season. Top 15-25.

Notre Dame - As much as I hate them, it's Notre Dame. Their recruitment rankings will always look a little better than they really are just because of where the "experts" went to school. They're going to get big time talent there though. His coaching abilities aside, Charlie Weis has his own gravitational pull and the talent will come to him. They are a traditional power and they are clearly headed in the right direction even though it is blatantly racist and no one will say shit. Top 10-20.

Michigan - Oh boy. This year they are going to suck. But again, it's fucking Michigan. SEC Dick: What about Alabama? Shutup moron. High school kids are always going to want to play for Michigan, it's a no brainer. By 2010 they are where they once were. A Big Ten contender year in and year out as well as a national title contender. Top 10.

Nebraska - No. Plain and simple. No. This program fucked itself. It's going to be longer than 2010 for them to right the ship, Osborne or not. No chance at Top 25.

How much do you care about non-BCS teams?

Not a whole lot, but I do like to see them play. I don't want Hawaii, TCU and Boise State saying they should be playing for a national title, but to get to see them in big time bowls against traditional powers is pretty entertaining.

When should players be eligible for the draft?

As Mr. Browne said, if it ain't broke don't fix it.

The next really big super power will be?

That depends on how you are going to describe "super power". If we are talking about a team that is a national title contender every single year no matter what and is a school that players from all over the country want to go to then I'll say USC. Plus, they are ahead of any other school in becoming a super power already so chances are they'll get there first. Hell, they might already be there.

Best and worst interview you've ever done.

I was interviewed for my school paper once about our hockey team. Sad thing is, my quote never made it into the article. I was destined for greatness as a sophmore in high school.

5 favorite players, 5 best players you've seen in person and 5 favorite games?

Again, I am a recent college footbal convert so bear with me.

Favorite Players:

Troy Smith - I fell in love with that black man the 2006 season.
Brian Brohm - Yes I picked him to win the Heisman not only last year but the year before. I am still convinced with a mediocre defense he could have done this.
Zoltan Mesko - Top 10 sports name of all time.
Tony Dorsett - My dad went to Pitt. I can't help it.
Drew Carter - For the record, no he did not bang my sister.

Best Players: The first major college football game I attended was in 2002.

Vince Young - Got to see him in Columbus in 2005. Wow.
Troy Smith - His 2006 season was unreal.
That dude with one leg from San Jose State - Stay strong, brother.
AJ Hawk - Just a great player to get to watch week-to-week.
Dave Lisko - Can you count him as playing? Probably not. But he was great. They even gave him a helmet one year.

Favorite Games: I'm keeping this to games that I had some sort of tie to.

2006 Ohio State vs. Michigan - Game of the century. Lived up to its billing.
2002 Ohio State vs. Michigan - My first OSU/Michigan experience. Too much fun.
2003 Fiesta Bowl OSU vs. Miami - Best BCS Championship game ever. That overtime took years off my life.
2006 Rose Bowl Texas vs. USC - Vince Young. Period. Plus I remember betting a lot of money on both Texas and the over. I thought I was screwed and next thing I knew I had won. Hook 'em horns.
2006 Ohio State vs. Texas - Great game? No, not really. But I love Austin and the road trip to that game might be the highlight of my life. Yes, the 2005 game was better but 2006 was way more fun.

The one guy you want coaching your team?

Tough one. Bear Bryant had cool hats. Woody Hayes punched a dude. But they're both dead. I'll go Pete Carroll. Probably not the best X's and O's guy, but with the whole package a college football coach needs to bring to the table, I'll take him.

16 Questions and Answers about College Football.

2008-07-20T18:12:00.004-04:00

A minor housekeeping note here before the post. I've been doing some work on the format of the blog the last fews days (mostly minor stuff like the links on the side) but it's mostly a trial and error process or at least something to pay attention to over the next week.

______________________________________________________________________

Recently College Football news ran a segment expert round table discussion, featuring some of the so-called top experts in the college football landscape. You can read their answers to the 16 questions posed here. To totally and complete rip them off I will provide my own answers to the questions here at FRD because as we all know I'm probably like the foremost college football expert in the country (or at least a highly thought of young mind.) The questions are in bold my answers are not incase you couldn't figure it out.

What aspect of college football should you care about, but really don't?

If I actually took the time to think about this one for awhile I might be able to think of a couple of things, but the answer off the top of my head is steroids. Same is the case in all sports, I just don't really care about them. I hope there is testing in place to pick these guys out, and I certainly think there is some moral aspect to the issue, but in reality it's just something I don't want to spend a lot of time thinking about.

Should a two-loss LSU team have won the national title?

In the system we have in place they won it fair and square. Everyone plays by the same rules and knew that going in. Also, I had them at #1 to start the year last year and thought they really were the best team.

How should college football be more like the NFL?

It's shouldn't in anyway. The uniqueness is what makes it so special. There is a reason I don't watch the NFL.

Your college football guilty pleasure?

Recruiting- I'm way too into it. It might be the number one guilty pleasure in my life period. I do see the creepiness of it, especially now that I'm much older than the recruits.

How did you get into college football?

I grew up in it. Saturdays in the fall are meant for college football. My family has had the same season tickets since before I was born and growing up in the midwest I couldn't possibly ignore it. I literally think I can remember every game I've been to in some way or another.

How/why is the BCS better than a playoff?

Now I'm a traditionalist and respect the bowl games, but even I in the current format would favor a playoff. The problem is I have yet to see a playoff system that would address the problems of the BCS any better than the bowl system does. Making the regular season important and keeping the season shorter are also ways it's better than a playoff.

I'm not buying into.....?

The plus-one game argument. People claim it's the logical compromise between a playoff and the BCS, but it's a bag of worms I want nothing to do with. If a team completes the regular season and bowl game as the lone undefeated and then loses to a 1 or 2 loss team in the plus one- I'm not buying into that. Also include mid-majors in this- I'm not buying into them either. Yes the 85 scholarship limit has created more parity but the six major conferences are still much better.

Just how bad is the Big Ten?

Easy answer is not that bad. Sure I'm slightly biased in this one but the balance in power in college football moves in cycles. The speed argument is absolute shit and ignorant at that. The only thing which might hurt the big ten is their increased academic standards over other conferences, although that's been falling recently. For those of you who don't know the Big Ten created their own standards for academics for kids to qualify on top of those of the NCAA- which makes it more difficult to qualify a kid in the Big Ten than say the SEC. In the end though the Big Ten will be back, it had a bad year last year, but should be improved this year and eventually will be back on top.

Do you have any problem with Tim Tebow winning two Heismans?

If he earns them, then no. But I will be a little sad that Archie won't be the only one anymore.

Give the 2010 rankings for: Florida State, Miami, Notre Dame, Michigan and Nebraska?

Tough question but I would probably go in order Notre Dame 10-15 in the country, Michigan 15-25, Miami 20-25 if they get their attitude together, Florida State and Nebraska just outside the top 25.

How much do you care about non-BCS teams?

Truthfully, not that much. I'm of the belief that they simply aren't as good no matter what people say. Sure 1-3 of them might be able to play with the big boys every year and the product is much improved over 10 years ago, but there is a reason why the same teams have been winning titles for the last 50+ years. I'd still rather watch a match-up of MAC bottom dwellers than an NFL game any day.

When should players be eligible for the draft?

I'm not sure I care, I think they rule they have now is pretty good. Yes I can see the argument about being able to go whenever they think they are ready and someone is willing to pay them, but if it's not broke, don't fix it.

The next really big super power will be ?

China....still reading this? Seriously though I'd say Alabama because I'd argue they haven't been a super power in 10 years. If you don't accept that and are thinking more long term I'd say Florida.

Best and worst interview you've done?

This doesn't really apply so we're skipping ahead.....

5 favorite players, 5 best players you've seen in person and 5 favorite games?

Great question I'll start with favorite players even though some of these guys were around before I was around.

Chris Speilman
Anthony Gonzalez
AJ Hawk
Derrick Alexander
Jay Reimersma

5 best players I've seen...thinking about this I realized I have seen 9 Heisman winners in my 23 years on this planet.

Charles Woodson- you knew he was getting the ball and teams couldn't stop him
Vince Young- It seemed so easy for him, that he was barely trying but was still so good.
Troy Smith- Only his 2006 season prior to that I was skeptical, but he had the most growth of any player I've seen
Donovan McNabb- Overwhelming talent.
Derrick Alexander- loved watching this guy play WR, seems to always be making highlight real catches, but then again I was like 6 or 7 years old.
Krenzel barely missed making my 5 favorite players. I sometimes forget how good OSU was in 2003

5 favorite games... I'm going to break this down into two lists (5 favorite I've seen in person and 5 best games I've seen overall.) The first one will be the one's I've seen in person

Michigan-OSU 2006- My senior year of college. The absolute perfect setup for my senior year of college. Ended great for me, but the bowl just didn't turn out so well
Michigan- Colorado 1993- The hail mary game. When everyone stood up on the final play my view got blocked and didn't actually see Westbrook catch it.
Michigan- Alabama 2000 Orange Bowl- First overtime game I saw and great game overall, with ending that didn't do it service. My first run in with Alabama fans and their unrealistic expectations.
OSU-Texas 2005- Although the ending was not very kind to me and I had a much better time the year after in Austin, I'll give the nod that the one in columbus was a better game.
Michigan-OSU 2003- 100th game in the series with two really good teams that year. OSU was a lot closer to pulling this one out than most people remember.

Five best games

OSU-Miami 2003 Fiesta Bowl- Still in my mind the greatest national title game. Something like 85 players from the combined rosters played in the NFL later.
Michigan-OSU 2006- Making both of my lists.
USC-ND 2005- Too bad I have both teams.
Florida State-Virginia 1995- FSU's first ACC lost on a thursday night game. Warrick Dunn comes up just short on a direct snap at the end.
USC-Texas Rose Bowl 2006. - I'm not really a huge fan of this game because I don't think this USC team was as good as everyone thinks. They were also playing their worst football at the end of the regular season and should have lost to Fresno State. Vince Young's performance though was totally dominating and it had a great 4th quarter.

The one guy you want coaching your team?

Tough question. If I had to pick a guy to build a program I go with Tressel. If I needed a guy to win one game I think I go with Urban Meyer, but his bowl game last year makes me wonder.

FRD's Entirely Too Early College Football Preview:National Outlook

2008-07-17T01:51:00.003-04:00

"Gimme 'dat Heisman Nigga"- Beanie Wells

We've broken down every conference over the last few days so all that is left is the national scene. Let me start by saying I reserve the right to change this before the start of the season, but I most likely will stick with it.

The top 5 teams are, in my opinion, the major national title contenders. After that I could see the next 7 teams as being sleeper title contenders. After that it's pretty much up for grabs and I expect a lot of fluctuation like we saw in last years top 25 poll. This poll should be update weekly throughout the season.

Oklahoma
Florida
Ohio State
USC
Georgia
LSU
Auburn
Penn State
Missouri
Wisconsin
Clemson
Texas
South Florida
Arizona State
Tennessee
Texas Tech
Virginia Tech
Notre Dame
West Virginia
TCU
Pitt
Cincinnati
BYU
Alabama
Michigan State

FRD's Pre-season All-American Team

QB- Tim Tebow, Florida DE- George Selvie, USF

RB- Beanie Wells, OSU DT- Fili Moala, USC

RB- DeMarco Murray, Oklahoma DT- Ricky Jean-Francois, LSU

WR- Vidal Hazelton, USC DE- Maurice Evans, PSU

WR- Jeremy Maclin, Mizzou LB- James Laurinaitis, OSU

TE- Travis Beckum, Wisky LB- Rey Maualuga, USC

OL- Alex Mack, Cal LB- Brandon Spikes, Florida,

OL- Duke Robinson, Oklahoma CB- Malcom Jenkins, OSU

OL- Steve Rehring, OSU CB- Macho Harris, VT

OL- Andre Smith, Bama S- Nic Harris, Oklahoma

OL- Eugene Monroe UVA S- Taylor Mays, USC

K- Sam Swank, Wake P- AJ Trapasso, OSU

Heisman Watch List: Let me say I'm downright terrible at predicting the Heisman winner. In past years I've predicted Chris Sims, Roy Williams, Dwayne Jarrett, Chris Leak and Steve Slaton. Hopefully I'm not a jinx as I have too much invested emotionally in this years pick

Chris Wells, RB-OSU
DeMarco Murray, RB- Oklahoma
Tim Tebow, QB- Florida
Graham Harrell, QB- Texas Tech
Sam Bradford, QB- Oklahoma

I haven't posted in a long time...

2008-07-16T16:27:00.006-04:00

but hopefully this picture that i made will make up for it. I'm not going to explain because that would be worthless.

FRD's Entirely Too Early College Football Preview: Non-BCS Conferences

2008-07-16T04:14:00.005-04:00

Jimmy Clausen needs to stop being a d-bag and help his team win games this year.

So I've loaded up the blog with previews here tonight, but I'm battling a bad case of insomnia mixed with subtle panic attack dealing with law school so it's been kind of an escape. Disregard the typo's- I know there is a lot and if I can stay alert enough tomorrow I will fix them- I promise.

On to the topic of the post. These will not be as detailed as the BCS conference previews because I'm not sure anyone cares to look at them. If you really want my total breakdown of any of these teams or conferences shoot me an email and I'll get it to you. Also, I figure I should make it known (for the future of this blog) that I hate underdogs, mid-majors, whatever else you call them. I view them as a novelty in the landscape of college athletics. I have significantly more interest in Division III football or High School football than I do in who wins the Sun Belt conference. Although I do pay attention to the Sun Belt and if there was no other games on I would happily watch it.

Conference and Team Projections:

Mountain West:

BYU- 9-3- Might be getting a little too much credit in some pre-season publications but a solid team overall who should hang around the top 25.

Utah-9-3- A team I definitely think is overrated in the national scene. If they can beat Michigan the opening weekend, and they do have a chance, I might be wrong.

TCU- 9-3- The team I think most likely to challenge BYU for the conference title.

Air Force-7-5- So hard to gauge these teams because the turnover, but they play a solid brand of football and should be competitive again.

New Mexico- 5-7-I have next to nothing to offer on this team. Should be just around bowl level.

San Diego State- 5-7- Might be time for Chuck Long to produced. Team is getting better but could/should be there already in my opinion.

Colorado State-4-8- They are no longer the mid-major power they once were. Program on the decline for sure.

Wyoming-4-8- Difficult team to judge, not good enough to go bowling but good enough to win some games.

UNLV- 3-9- One of the bottom 5 programs in America. I would be shocked at 3 wins or more.

WAC:

Fresno State- 9-3- A program that is always tough and has to be respected for willing to play anyone. Probably their best team in a couple of years and maybe good enough to sneak into the top 25.

Boise State-10-2- This year's Hawaii. An easy schedule will have them in the national discussion, but this is not the team of 2 years ago. If they get anywhere near a BCS game they will get murdered.

Nevada-7-5- Chris Ault does a really nice job with this program. Probably able to hack out a bowl game.

New Mexico State-6-6- Blah. Terrible with the football last year.

Hawaii- 5-7- June Jones is gone and that might be the signal of bad things for the rainbow warriors. Tough place to win, but they have won and might be able to keep that attitude.

San Jose St.- 4-8- Trying to get better, but just can't make it over that edge. +13 in turnovers and still couldn't turn it into a winning record.

Louisiana Tech- 4-8- Offense can score, defense can't stop anyone= not good.

Idaho-2-10- Bottom 5 program year in year out. Not sure anyone can win here.

Utah State-1-11- I can only think of one team worse in college football this year.

The MAC: Because I live in the region I'm partial to the MAC. After a good run about 5-8 years ago the league has really fallen off. Should be a better brand of football this year than we've seen in awhile, but still a largely wide open league. I'd cheer for Ball State to beat anyone in college football but Ohio State (There's a long story behind this).

Central Michigan-7-5- The head of the MAC the past few seasons. They might just be able to hang on for another season

Ball State- 8-4- I love their coach Brady Hoke- there might not be a better guy in college football. A good team last year that couldn't play a lick of defense but could score some points. Nearly everyone is back, but I'm not sure how much better they could get.

Miami-7-5- Probably the best squad since the days of Big Ben.

Kent State-5-7- Good little running back in Eugene Jarvis but not a lot else to get excited about.

Bowling Green- 6-6- Challenging schedule, but has some strength returning from a good team last year. Record might not show improvement even if it's there.

Toledo-5-7- Had a good season last year considering some major off the field distractions. Struggling to regain momentum of a few seasons ago

Western Michigan-7-5- Should be in position to challenge for MAC crown with a few breaks.

Akron-4-8- Roughly the same as last year.

Ohio- 4-8- Better than their record will show. Games against Wyoming and Northwestern offer chances to build something heading into the conference slate.

Northern Illinois-3-9- Program in transition. Turnover machine last year.

Temple-4-8- They return 22 starters and I only have them at 4 wins for a reason.

Buffalo-4-8- People give Turner Gill credit for almost having them .500 last year. Good amount of that team is back so there is opportunity but I'm not sure there is the talent.

Eastern Michigan-2-10- Doormat program. Needs something to get them going, I have no idea what that is.

Conference USA:

Tulsa-9-3- Still a step ahead of the conference in terms of talent and program.

Memphis-8-4- Good enough to challenge for the conference, but not sure Tommy West will have them ready.

Houston-7-5- Art Briles did such a good job here, I hope they can keep it going. Important season for the program.

Southern Miss-7-5- New coach but I dont expect improvement anywhere on the field.

UCF-6-6- George O'leary's done a nice job here but loses a ton of offense.

East Carolina- 5-7- Skip Holtz proved he can coach, need to pull off a couple of upsets to be bowl eligible.

Marshall-5-7- Former OSU guy Marc Snyder had a rough start, but they are slowly improving.

UTEP-4-8- Not sure there is much improvement here for Mike Price

Tulane-3-9- I like Bob Toledo but he doesn't have much to work with here. Huge offensive losses.

SMU-3-9- I could be totally off on this one cause I have that much respect for June Jones, but I'll give him a year to get his system in place.

Rice-2-10- Phil Steele says this team will be much better, but they were downright awful last year. I'm not sure I see reasons they wont be again this year.

UAB-2-10- They have tons of JC players coming in and they need to be ready to contribute right away.

Sun Belt: easily the worst conference in college football this year.

FAU-8-4- Great job building this program in less than 10 years. Pretty amazing they can compete as well as they do.

Troy-7-5- Not as good as the teams from the last couple of years ago, bringing in a ton of JC players,

Louisiana-Monroe-5-7-Middle of the pack team with decent amount of returning players.

Middle Tennessee State-5-7- they find ways to be around .500 it seems like every year.

Louisiana-Lafayette-3-9- They've never been to a bowl. It's not going to happen this year.

Arkansas State-3-9- They've had a good three year run, even making a bowl once, but it's going to be a long season for the Red Wolves.

North Texas-2-10- Good QB prospect in Riley Dodge maybe he can steal some games for them, but unlikely.

FIU-1-11- Program that can't seem to get it going, but with their location and ability to take questionable characters, they could turn it around fast. It just won't be this year.

Western Kentucky- 2-10- Transitioning to division 1 and probably one of the worst teams in it this year. Pulled off a winning record last year, so I could be totally off on this, it's very hard to judge.

Independents:

Notre Dame-8-4- Easy schedule allows for them to be in much better shape than last year. Talent is starting to contribute, but much is overrated. If the O-line doesn't improve it might not matter. Should be in the top 25.

Navy-4-8- Could be tough without Paul Johnson, but I hope they surprise me.

Army-3-9- Hope they do better, but nearly impossible to have a winning season here.

FRD's Entirely Too Early College Football Preview: Big East

2008-07-16T01:59:00.006-04:00

Tony Soprano sucked Greg Schiano back in just when he thought he was out.

FRD's own Rev. Woodrow Morris has predicted Brian Brohm will win the heisman for the last 3 years, so perhaps this will finally be the year.

In reality the Big East might be better top to bottom than it has been in the past couple of years, but it lacks an elite team. Realistically WVU, USF, Pitt, Cincinnati, and Rutgers could all compete for the title.

Team Projections-

USF- 9-3- Should be an exciting defense coming back, but the offense is overrated. My pick for best team in the league. Probably the best chance of any conference team to run the table.

West Virginia-8-4 - Lots of speed is back and they can probably beat anyone, but I think they could struggle. I hear horror stories about how bad of Coach Bill Stewert is so that should be interesting.

Cincinnati-9-3- Brian Kelly has done a nice job here mixing in his system with what Coach Dantonio left him. Demetrius Jones might be the perfect guy to run the offense. One of the major up and coming programs.

Pitt- 8-4- Put up or shut up time for this program. There is enough talent there, although some of it is young, to make a run at things.

Rutgers-7-5- How big of loss is Ray Rice? If they can find a replacement for him they might be able to challenge for the title.

UConn-5-7- I had this team listed at 6-6 but that seems too generous. I don't know how this team had success last year, the one time I saw them they were god awful. Back to reality for the Huskies.

Louisville- 5-7- They were the most lost team in the country on defense last year. However, a year ago I was being told Hunter Cantwell was the 2nd best QB prospect in the country and now he gets his chance to start.

Syracuse-3-9- I think 3 wins might actually shock me. Time to fire Greg Robinson.

All-Big East Team:

QB- Pat White, WVU DE- George Selvie, USF

RB- LeSean Mccoy, Pitt DT- Terrill Byrd, UC

RB- Noel Devine, WVU DT- Aaron Harris, USF

WR- Derek Kinder, Pitt DE- Jamaal Westerman, Rutgers

WR- Kenny Britt, Rutgers LB- Scott Mckillop, Pitt

TE- Nate Byhan, Pitt LB- Reed Williams, WVU

OL- Mike Dent, WVU LB- Manny Abreu, Rutgers

OL- Jake Finger, WVU CB- Mike Mickens, UC

OL- Ryan Schimdt, USF CB- Aaron Berry, Pitt

OL-Anthony Davis, Rutgers S- Nate Allen, USF

OL- Ryan Stanchek, WVU S- Courtney Greene, Rutgers

Top Newcomers:

Jon Baldwin-WR- Pitt
Isiah Pead-RB-UC
Shane Hale- LB- Pitt
DJ Woods- WR- UC
Cam Saddler- WR-Pitt

FRD's Entirely Too Early College Football Preview: ACC

2008-07-16T01:01:00.004-04:00

Miami missed this level of fight when they were losing 48-0 in the final game of the Orange Bowl

The ACC is known as a basketball conference for a reason, and that shouldn't change this year. The struggles of Miami and FSU have really hurt the quality of this conference, and I think it's safe to say no one saw that coming when this conference expanded some years ago.

This year's clear favorite in the conference is Clemson and I agree with that. They should be on the cusp of competing for a national title, but as usual I think their mental makeup will prevent them from getting there. This might be the hardest conference to predict of any. The teams that are returning talent have a history of collapses and the teams that are usually consistent are faced with down years talent wise. I look for Clemson, Wake, FSU, UNC and Virginia Tech to makeup the top of the conference crown and go bowling.

Team Predictions-

Clemson-9-3- Lots of talent and exciting talent at that, but can you ever really trust this team. I expect them to blow games they shouldn't once again.

Virginia Tech-9-3- They find ways to win. Better quarterback play could make them the favorites.

Florida State- 8-4- What is going on with this program? the talent has certainly dropped off at the skill positions and they seem to have bad chemistry. Won't compete again until they can find a QB and RB.

Wake Forest- 7-5- I should watch this pick as I always undervalue them, but seriously can they keep it up. Good defense back and you have to trust Jim Grobe will have them ready.

UNC-7-5- Really looking forward to seeing this team. I liked what I saw last year despite them having a terrible record. I trust Butch Davis is building something here but the talent is still young and raw. They might still be a year away.

Maryland-6-6- Fridge can coach but I don't see anything special here.

Boston College- 5-7- If they can find some offense they could be somewhere around 8 wins. Defense should keep them in some games but they are rebuilding after a solid year last season.

Miami- 5-7- They have top 15 talent in the country, but honestly what I think is the worst coach. There is an infusion of talent and attitude, but if they struggle early, as I expect, they will most likely quit.

Georgia Tech- 5-7- Can Paul Johnson run his system here? I'm not sure but will have to battle for a bowl this year.

Virginia-4-8- I think they could surprise me but not sure there is enough there to compete. Al Groh's job is probably on the line.

NC State-4-8- Incredibly hard team to judge in Tom O'brien 2nd year. If they can build some early momentum, they might be able to make a bowl but it's going to be really tough.

Duke-2-10- David Cutcliffe is a good hire and they will get better, but it's still Duke. Not sure the school is committed to a serious football program.

All-ACC Team:

QB- Cullen Harper, Clemson DE- Everette Brown, FSU

RB- James Davis, Clemson DT- Vance Walker, GT

RB- CJ Spiller, Clemson DT- Marvin Austin, UNC

WR- Greg Carr, FSU DE- Eric Moncur, Miami

WR- Hakeem Nicks, UNC LB- Derek Nicholson, FSU

TE-Sam Wheeler, VT LB- Brian Toal, BC

OL- Thomas Austin, Clemson LB- Stanley Arnoux, Wake

OL- Eugene Monroe, UVA CB- Macho Harris, VT

OL-Reggie Youngblood, Miami CB- Alphonso Smith, Wake

OL- Sergio Render S- Myron Rolle, FSU

OL- Calvin Darity, UNC S- Antwine Perez, Maryland

Top Newcomers:

Dequan Bowers- DL- Clemson
Nigel Bradham- LB- FSU
Brandon Harris-DB- Miami
Kenny Tate- WR- Maryland
Tommy Streeter- WR- Miami

FRD's Entirely Too Early College Football Preview: Big XII

2008-07-15T22:50:00.004-04:00

Maybe Again, Bob?

This year's edition of the Big XII should actually be an improvement on recent years. I'd say the conference firmly places second to only the SEC in terms of quality. Unlike past years, we shouldn't see a big drop off after just two teams.

Despite getting absolutely run over in their bowl game I think big things are in store for Oklahoma this year. Right behind them and a possible national title contender is Texas and Missouri, but I wouldn't bank on either of these teams. Following that group at the top are a fair amount of teams that could play a spoiler role in the conference (A&M, Texas Tech, Kansas, Oklahoma St).

Team Projections

Oklahoma- 12-0- I really love the balance they have on offense. Stoops can prove he is still a great coach with this group.

Texas-10-2- I get the feeling Mack Brown kind of softened up a bit after winning the national title. He needs to stop that and crank it back up. There is too much talent here not to compete for the national title every year. This team should be better than last year, but not quite elite.

Missouri- 10-2- I tend to think this group is a little overrated and headed for a crash, but the schedule is easy enough that they will be on the cusp of a BCS bowl again.

Texas Tech- 9-3- Perhaps the best chance to crash the BCS party. Offensive numbers might be even bigger than usual, but the defense is still no where near championship level.

Texas A&M- 7-5- Interested to see what Mike Sherman can do here as the cupboard wasn't left totally bare. Tradition rich program needs a shot in the arm.

Oklahoma State-7-5- Mike Gundy has done a good job of keeping up with what Les Miles started. I'm guessing he turns 41 this year.

Kansas-7-5- They played perhaps the easiest schedule in the country last year, but did win their bowl. My guess is they lost too much on defense and take a major step back. Should still have enough to make a bowl and maybe win the north division.

Nebraska- 6-6- Pelini should be able to get things back on track here, but it's going to take some time. Easily enough talent to make a bowl game so that should be the goal.

Colorado- 5-7- The schedule is really tough so it's going to be hard for them to make a bowl, but I really like what Dan Hawkins is doing here. In two years they should be able to contend for the conference title.

Kansas State- 5-7- Interesting squad and I like Ron Prince as a coach as well as QB Josh Freeman. Will have to fight to make a bowl game but always a fun team to watch.

Iowa State- 4-8- Not really sure where this program is headed. Would keep expectations low this year.

Baylor- 2-10- I'm a huge Art Briles fan and he'll improve this program, but if he can get this team in a bowl this year or next that's an amazing coaching job.

All-Big XII Team

QB- Graham Harrell, Tech DE- Ian Campbell, K-State

RB- DeMarco Murray, OU DT- DeMarcus Granger, OU

RB- Marlon Lucky, Neb DT- George Hypolite, Col

WR- Jeremy Maclin, Missou DE- Zach Potter, Neb

WR-Juanquin Iglesias, OU LB- Ryan Reynolds, OU

TE-Chase Coffman, Missou LB- Sergio Kindle,UT

OL- Jon Cooper, OU LB- Sean Weatherspoon,Missou

OL- Duke Robinson, OU CB-Lendy Holmes, OU

OL- Cedric Dockery, UT CB- Jordan Pugh, A&M

OL- Ryan Miller, Col S- Nic Harris, OU

OL- Phil Loadholt, OU S- Jordan Lake- Baylor

Top Newcomers:

Darrell Scott-RB-Col
Cyrun Gray- RB-A&M
Robert Griffin-QB-Baylor
Aaron Williams-DB- UT
Joshua Jarboe-WR-OU

FRD's Entirely Too Early College Football Preview: SEC

2008-07-15T21:44:00.005-04:00

Big Boobs are Tim Tebow's Kryptonite

This is without a doubt the best football conference in America. There are a lot of reasons for that and maybe in other post I'll go into some of those- but not here, not today. I think this conference could have 4 legitimate national title contenders in Florida, Georgia, LSU and Auburn. Despite what some pundits say I do believe someone can get through this conference undefeated, at least going into the conference title game. Right behind that group is Tennessee, which might be good enough to compete with those big 4. After that, the rest of the teams are largely unknown but I think all are capable of making a bowl with the exception of Vandy.

Team Predictions

Florida- 12-0- Yes I have them undefeated. The biggest thing for this team will be if can they establish any sort of vertical running game and can they improve in the secondary. I think they can do both.

Georgia-10-2- Perhaps the most hyped team coming into the season. I'm not sold. I was a fan last year but that offense didn't perform nearly enough and don't give me that the bowl game was an example of anything. 3/4 of the BCS conference teams would have beat the shit out of Hawaii.

LSU- 10-2- Skill position questions, but I think they will scrap together a nearly great season.

Auburn-9-3- If they can break in a new QB watch out. Good coach, but probably not enough to get through the season perfect.

Alabama- 8-4- I don't like putting this team at 8-4 but I will. Saban is building here, it could be scary in a couple of years.

Tennessee- 9-3- I think they're just a couple of pieces away from competing for a national title this year. Fulmer better watch out if he does anything less than what is predicted as he is under increased scrutiny.

South Carolina- 7-5- Spurrier might top my list of most overrated coaches. He's recruited well here though and I expect to see them back in a bowl.

Ole Miss- 6-6- I think Houston Nutt can coach and Ogeron had been stockpiling some talent here- he just ran out of time. Should finally be back in a bowl game this year.

Arkansas- 6-6- A strange program to judge, as they have huge expectations and not a ton of history to back it up. Despite the transition to a new coach they should be right on the edge of a bowl game again.

Mississippi St- 5-7- I'm not sure how this team got to a bowl game last year, I don't see them getting back to one.

Kentucky-5-7- Hard team to judge last year, but probably lost too much off a decent team.

Vandy- 4-8- They will flat out never compete in this league in the current format. I do respect their coach and their effort though.

All-SEC Team

QB-Tim Tebow, Florida DE- Tyson Jackson, LSU

RB- Knowshon Moreno, UGA DT- Jeremy Jarmon, Kentucky

RB- Arian Foster, Tenn DT- Ricky Jean-Francois, LSU

WR- Brandon Lafell, LSU DE- Geno Atkins, Georgia

WR- Mohammed Massaquoi, UGA LB- Rico Mccoy, Tenn

TE- Cornelius Ingram, Florida LB- Tray Blackmon, Auburn

OL- Antoine Caldwell, Bama LB- Brandon Spikes, Florida

OL- Andre Smith, Bama CB- Asher Allen, UGA

OL- Michael Oher- Ole Miss CB- DJ Moore, Vandy

OL- Mitch Petrus, Ark S- Erik Barry- Tenn

OL- Anthony Parker, Tenn S- Derek Pegues, MSU

Top Newcomers

Patrick Johnson- DB- LSU
Julio Jones-WR-Alabama
AJ Green-WR- Georgia
Omar Hunter- DL-Florida
Brendan Beal-LB- Florida

FRD's Entirely Too Early College Football Preview: Big 10

2008-07-15T19:07:00.005-04:00

Will the third time be a charm?

The second installment of the college football preview feature the conference nearest and dearest to my heart. To get right into it....

Obviously the Big Ten has gotten a bad rap the past few years (somewhat deservingly) . This yeah the conference should be better but still not quite the quality of the SEC or Big XII for the time being. These things work in cycles and it's nothing to be concerned about.

I might be crazy but I think the Big Ten has 3 legit title contenders in Ohio State, Wisconsin and Penn State with the latter two being of the sleeper variety. After that group there are some solid teams that should be bowl bound that includes: Illinois, MSU, and Michigan.

In honor of Rich Rod's first year at Michgan I offer you this song parody. WARNING- It's probably not safe for work.

Projected Records:

Ohio State-11-1- I want to say this team is going to go undefeated, but I can't. I have a sneaking suspicion they might even lose two games, but I won't say that. This team is more loaded talent wise than any other Tressel team. The D-tackles remain a question-mark.

Penn State- 10-2- Maybe my biggest sleeper team going into the season, I think they have a chance to be very good. If they get any play at quarterback it will be an improvement over last year, I sometimes think people forget how terrible Morelli was. Question marks linger at QB, RB, and linebacker.

Wisconsin-10-2- Always solid and they have more skill position talent than they have had in the past couple of seasons. Could be the break out season.

Michigan State-7-5- Dantonio is turning this program around, but it might not happen this year. They are getting close, but the schedule doesn't set up well.

Michigan- 7-5- I originally had them at 8-4 and downgraded them a game. Obviously one of the teams I'm most interested in seeing as I really have no idea what they are going to look like. My first guess is Rich Rod won't fully implement his system this year as there just isn't the players in place to make it work. Expectations are low but anything less than a bowl game would be a failure- there is too much talent there for that.

Illinois-7-5- The surprise of last year. They know how to win now and things are looking up, but they lost a lot and I'm not a Juice Williams fan. They take a step back this year, but could be right back in it next year.

Purdue-6-6- Joe Tiller has built the program and heads into his last year up front. He might pull out some stops but I still don't think there is enough defense in place to finish any better.

Indiana- 6-6- Maybe the best story in college football last year with their "play 13" theme. I'm a huge Kellen Lewis fan, but his off the field troubles hurt the team. Still there is some talent here, but it will be a tough go of things. Will be teetering on the edge of a bowl game again.

Iowa-6-6- I'm just not a fan of this team. The d-line should be solid, but is there anything else? The schedule is pretty east so 6-6 is possible, but I wouldn't be shocked to see them take a serious step back.

Northwestern-4-8- There is more talent at the skill positions than people think but it's just not enough. Not a team to sleep on though, you'll have to work to beat them.

Minnesota-4-8- Brewster is supposedly a hell of a recruiter so give him some time. Better than last year, but probably not nearly good enough for a bowl.

All-Big Ten Team

QB- Todd Boeckman, OSU DE- Maurice Evans, PSU

RB- Beanie Wells, OSU DT- Mitch King, Iowa

RB- Javon Ringer, MSU DT- Terrance Taylor, Michigan

WR- Brian Robiske, OSU DE- Greg Middleton, IU

WR-Derrick Williams, PSU LB-James Laurinaitis, OSU

TE- Tyler Beckum, Wisky LB- Marcus Freeman, OSU

OL- Alex Boone, OSU LB- Jonathan Casillas, Wisky

OL- Kraig Urbik, Wisky CB- Malcom Jenkins, OSU

OL- Steve Rehring, OSU CB- Vontae Davis, Illinois

OL- Gabe Carimi, Wisky S- Anderson Russell, OSU

OL- AQ Shipley, PSU S- Shane Carter, Wisky

Top Newcomers- Just to note these are guys who I think will come in and play right away. They might not be the best recruits, but they will be the guys who make the most immediate impact.

Devier Posey, OSU
Terrelle Pryor, OSU
JB Fitzgerald, Michigan
Cordale Scott, Illinois
Etienne Sabino, OSU
JB Shugarts, OSU

FRD's Entirely Too Early College Football Preview: PAC 10

2008-07-09T21:08:00.007-04:00

This Maniac is the best defensive player in the conference

Before I get started a little notice here that I will be out of town for the rest of the weekend, thus unable to post most likely. Not that anyone gives a shit, but I made a promise to post here all week and like most promises I make in my life, I'm going to break it.

Alright, a little explanation here. As I devour as much information as I can about the upcoming college football season I tend to make predictions and such. This typically includes me creating a top 25, heisman list, conference breakdowns, and all-conference teams. Included in this cycle I typically go through every division 1A team and predict their final record. I've been doing this for about 5 years now, but it rarely is viewed by any outside eyes. This year you are in luck.

I'll be posting all of this on FRD and updating it regularly. Usually I start this process around Aug. 1, but with nothing to do these days and law school kicking off in mid-Aug, I'm going to start a little early this year. In order to make the process a little more manageable, I'll be breaking down the conferences one at a time- leading up to a pre-season top 25 and Heisman list. Today will be the Pac 10- Enjoy.

Last year people said the Pac 10 was perhaps the 2nd best conference in football (I didn't agree) so this year it takes a step backwards. It's the same story as usual- USC then everybody else. I look for ASU, UCLA and Cal to battle for runner-up.

***Lots can happen before the start of the season so these are very rough***
Team Projections- predicted record- short preview

USC- 11-1- They're good, we know that. They probably have more talent than anyone else in the country and they have a certain aura around them that suggests they are the premier program in the country. Obviously a huge game looms with OSU on sept. 13th. Sadly, I think they're the slight favorite to win that game. I'm not sold they're the best team in the country though. You're looking at a o-line replacing 4 starters, and until one of the running backs begins to stand out they could have issues.

ASU- 9-3- Nothing spectacular coming back but a solid mix. Dennis Erickson's team always find ways to win enough games.

UCLA- 7-5- One of the teams I'm most interested to see this season. Rick Neuheisel is back in the college game where he belongs and he brings with him Norm Chow. There is some talent here so they have the potential to be better than expected. Tough injuries in spring ball set them back

Oregon- 7-5 I think Mike Belloti is a joke and we all saw what happened when Dixon went down last year. They simply lost too much.

Cal- 7-5- Talent is down from past seasons. Kevin Riley will get his chance at QB but last I saw of him he was totally fucking up so good luck with that.

Arizona-6-6- Can Stoops finally turn it around? They have some interested playmakers on O but that defense loses a ton.

Washington- 4-8- I'm a huge Jake Locker fan, but that schedule is tough. Ty might have to win some more games to save his job.

Oregon State- 4-8- It's hard to judge this team because they rely so heavily on Juco players but I think they are taking a step back this year.

Washington State- 4-8- Mike Price and Bill Doba somehow won here- I don't know how. New era starts in Pullman.

Stanford-3-9- I like Harbaugh and I think he'll win here, it's just not going to happen this year. Next year they should compete for a bowl.

All PAC 10 Team

QB-Rudy Carpenter DE- Everson Griffen

RB-Joe McKnight DT- Fili Moala

RB-Keegan Herring DT-Brigham Harwell

WR Vidal Hazelton DE- Kyle Moore

WR Sammie Stroughter LB- Ray Maualuga

TE-Ron Growkowski LB- Brian Cushing

OL- Jeff Byers LB- Zack Follett

OL-Alex Mack CB- Brandon Hughes

OL-Paul Fanaika CB- Alterraun Verner

OL-Fenuki Tupou S- Taylor Mays

OL-Andy Levitre S- Kevin Ellison

Top Newcomers

Kavarrio Middleton
Andrew Luck
Audre Dean
Rahim Moore
Blake Ayles

The Impossible Argument.

2008-07-08T19:12:00.006-04:00

I'm in full on college football mode already. I know it's only early July and baseball time but I can't control myself. It consumes blocks of my time everyday. And it's not just Ohio State's upcoming season that I'm excited about, it's every possible game. August 28th can't get here soon enough and I feel more prepared for this college football season than any before (mind you I am now two years removed from actually being in college).

So recently I've finished the book Saturday Rules by Austin Murphy of SI. It's pretty much pulp and a quick read but it's fairly entertaining. Despite the somewhat overwhelming coverage of USC and Notre Dame it still manages to make some good points and helped me to relive the 2006 college football season- which might have been the best time of my life up until a particular bowl game I prefer to forget.

One of the things that stands out is the author talks about his years covering both college football and the NFL and the difference between the two. This brings up the age old argument of which is better- college or pro football?

I'll admit I'm completely biased in this argument. I simply have zero passion toward the NFL. I'm a mid-west kid who was weaned on the BIg Ten and I will never accept any substitute. It's an argument no one can win, you're either going to like one or the other and there is no point I can make that will change your point of view. Obviously, I accept that the level of football being played in the NFL is a higher quality, but I actually think that is one of its fatal flaws. The game has become so well played and so fast that it's not fun- it's all the same. Murphy makes the point that if two NFL teams played a game and were to switch jerseys at half-time would you be able to tell the difference simply by style of play. I don't think you could.

To me, that's what makes the college game so great. Tradition, passion, rivalry and variety are what helps to make the game an absolute religion to many.

So ultimately this post solves nothing, but just helped to ramp up my college football jones. I've decided to make a list of all the things that makes college football great and you can not find in the pro game, which I will list below:

The game, helmet stickers, Homecoming, the option, howard's rock, army-navy, student sections, painting ND's helmets before the game, bands, senior captains, Spring ball, Script Ohio, Little brown jug, rivalry trophies in general, Rudy, Tusk, Black shirts, walk-ons, the team, the team , the team, Those who stay will be champions, play like a champion today, Between the hedges, Night games in Tiger Stadium, The horseshoe, College Gameday, The world's largest outdoor cocktail party, Mascots, Pep rallies, Red River shootout, the grandaddy of them all, Keith Jackson, Rose Parade, Hook 'em symbol, Fight songs, alma maters, JoePa, The Heisman, touchdown jesus, The Grove, midnight yell practice, Volunteer navy, jump around, senior tackle.

This article pretty much sums up what I've been trying to say.

I'll throw in a couple of youtube clips that also help make my point.
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You Can't Go Home Again

2008-07-07T19:28:00.007-04:00

Alright before I get to the heart of this post I figured I would mention a couple of things. 1) Yeah there hasn't been a lot of new material here recently, but that's going to change. Expect a new post everyone day this week from Detroit Browne. 2) I'm not promising they will be good, I'm going to throw some things up just to get the ball rolling they might be hit or miss, but hopefully will encourage some more action around here....

Anyways, my hometown of Grand Blanc, Michigan was in the news recently as it tends to be when it hosts the Buick Open. The Open, as locals call it, is a mid-tier PGA tournament as it has been for the past 50 years. When the tour started up the FedEx Cup the Open was moved from late August to late June, and has pretty much hit the shits. I'm sure the rest of the tour is struggling without Tiger, but the Buick seriously needs him.

The tournament has always had a blue-collar reputation on tour as sort of a party tournament. If you need some background info refer to the wikipedia entry. So while it's never been Augusta, it has still held some class, it's a god-damn golf tournament, it has tumbled downhill the past two years.

As a Grand Blanc-er (I'm not sure this is the right word), this tournament is near and dear to my heart. For us locals the tournament marked the highlight of the summer, especially for the younger crowd. For a city that consists of basically housing subdivisions and golf courses we relish the beer tents and commerce that the tournament has brought with it. If I had time I could tell a million stories, some of my most entertaining, about the years I've been there.

But like I've said the tournament has headed downhill recently. I give you exhibit A....

Yes that is Kid Rock and John Daly playing the pro-am on Wednesday. I'm guessing this picture if from the front side, because at some point on the back 9 Rock decided to ditch the shirt under his overalls. I didn't make it home in time for the pro-am this year so I missed this spectacle in person, but by all reports Rock spent more time slamming beers, shots of jager , and signing autographs than he did playing golf. You may notice that tallboy of Bud heavy he is drinking in that photo, later in the round Big John decided to hit one of his tee shots of the empty and good times were had by all white trash in attendance. If you find yourself asking, "where the hell did he get a tallboy of bud?" let me explain. This year the tournament decided to ditch $5 cups of beer that have been a tradition and sell 24 oz. cans of Bud and Bud Light for $8. I even purchased one myself from a roaming beer salesmen (like the kind they have at baseball games, I'm not kidding) on Sunday near 17 green.

It's not that I hate this stuff at the tournament, I agree it's kind of fun and in the true spirit of the Buick. But c'mon would you want this guy running around your course...

The tournament didn't get all bad pub. Some guy from the golf channel says it's the second best stop on tour. Unfortunately, he also refers to it being in Flint, which Grand Blanc is not- not a very nice comparison there. BTW, I've visited all the places he mentions in the acticle and have to say his experiences are a little different than mine. Who knows, maybe PGA golfers like grinding on 30 something white trash- which is all that happens at maxie's.

With all that out of the way, check out the site below and watch some of the videos. They are some of the funniest things I've seen recently and have nothing to do with sports. I'll give you the warning that the ducktales and Cheers ones might not be safe for work, but are easily my favorites. Alf is definitely NSFW so beware.
http://www.fatalfarm.com/tvthemes.html

Welcome to Earfh!

2008-07-04T12:52:00.006-04:00

Doc Porter is right. Fire Reggie Dunlop can never die. It is a fire that burns within us. We are bloggers and we must blog. Just post shit. No one reads it but us anyway, let's be serious here. I commend you, Good Doctor, for making me see the light. That light is Reggie Dunlop and it burns bright. Today is our Independence Day!

If that clip doesn't give you a boner then I feel bad for you.

Rising from the fire

2008-07-04T03:39:00.003-04:00

Fuck this garbage- the doctor may have been on vacation but he's not about ot let this blog go under. It's time for some prescription rambling delivered by none other than Dr. Gerald Porter. (ROLLING UP SLEEVES.)

Billy Joel may be one of the most underrated artists of all time. First of all, piano playing is underrated by most crowds even though in olden times piano playing was held in the same regard as being in a boy band- women loved it and it was very popular. It was like being a rock star.

Translate that to today- who is the biggest piano playing rock star? The arguement already narrows down to two people in my mind- Elton John and Billy Joel. Now, Elton John is possibly the best piano player of our era, but his legacy is tainted because he is stuck on the piano. Whenever we see Elton John, he will bo sitting at a bemch playing. Billy joel suffers from no such boundaries. I will refer to the video for the song "You may be right" to prove that Billy Joel is the rock star piano player that the world has been waiting for since beethoven. He can sing, dance and crash into walls without skewing his reputation. He's the Babe Ruth of music.

If I were Aaron Rodgers and Brett farve returned to the Packers, I would demand a trade- immediately.

If you don't agree that "Lost" is the best drama on television right now, possibly ever, then you need to get your head examined, cunt-face. Yeah, I said cunt-face.

The Incredible Hulk movie was just as I expected- totally underrated. It had everything a Hulk movie should have and it was the most enjoyable theater experience I've had other than "Iron Man". The Hulk looked mean. "Iron Man" is the movie that made me want to be a millionaire but "The Incredible Hulk" made me want to be the strongest one there is. I started working out after I saw it. I'm serious.

I can't wait for "The Dark Knight"

If the Blackhawks don't win Lord Stanley's Cup in the next three years, I will kill myself. That's a promise.

Happy 4th to all of Reggiedunlap/ Let's keep the tine.

Montage Monday VII

2008-06-15T23:46:00.004-04:00

After skipping a week Montage Monday is back, and I have to say I'm pretty happy with both of this weeks selections.

This first one doesn't have a ton to do with sports, but it's very current. It's a Tim Russert clip and with with his death and this being fathers day, it's honestly one of the saddest things I've watched. Not that I had any personal connection to Russert, but he seemed like a good guy and I'll admit to being a little bummed about his death. We're also rocking a bit of a fathers day theme this week. This video is really well done, I highly suggest watching the entire thing.

Before I get to the second clip I want to comment on the US Open and it ties in nicely with the clip. It is without a doubt my favorite sunday in golf and probably a top 5 sporting event day for me. While the 18-hole playoff system is pretty cool and unique, I'll admit it takes a little of the event. Tiger Woods is probably the greatest golfer of all-time, a fact I will contest but ultimately concede. However, I will be rooting against him as much as possible tomorrow. Having somehow been in a position to meet a large number of professional golfers, I can attest to Rocco being one of the nicest and most personable I have come in contact with.

As for the video, it's a Nike clip from two years ago, right after Earl Woods had died. It's probably the best commercial of all time in my opinion and I'm not sure it's even selling anything. Enjoy.

David Stern Smells Like Jew.

2008-06-14T19:51:00.005-04:00

Inspired by Detroit Browne's mostest post in FRD history and prior conversations with friends, mainly while drunk, I have decided to compile a list myself. The idea of smelliest players in any given sport has been a topic of great discussion amongst ourselves for quite some time now. I believe the most credit goes to fellow FRD blogger, Coach Pops. In honor of the NBA Finals I will start my quest with the National Basketball Association, a league which, in my opinion, has a huge number of dirtbags. The game is played by very large, very sweaty men who have their armpits exposed while they are playing. I can only imagine what some of these monsters smell like. In fact, a term that I use all the time, "Duck Butter", was brought to my attention by former NBA player Ron Harper. Duck Butter, for those not familiar, is very simply, the thick, cream-like sweat that accumulates on one's testicles. The exact conversation between Mr. Harper and a good friend of mine who used to caddy for him at a golf course in Cleveland went like this:

Ron: Hey kid, you want some duck butter?

Caddy: Umm, what is that?

Ron: It's ball sweat. Shit. [Reaches into pants, fiddles around, reaches back out for a handshake. Laughs.]

Classy dude, that Ron Harper.

5. Manu Ginobili

Manu, although he himself is not European, looks like your typical piece of Euro-trash. Euro-trash are known for their affinity of not bathing and sweating way too much. Not a good combination. He is however from Argentina which is basically Mexico South and Mexico smells like horrible. Add this to the fact that Manu spends a large amount of time falling down and rolling around on the court, which I can only assume he does in his everyday life as well. Sweaty foreigners who like to roll around in mud, dog poop, or whatever unmentionables are found on city streets, probably don't smell like roses.

Most Likely Smells Like: Shitty Cologne, Foreigner Sweat, South American Prison, Tim Duncan's Taint.

4. Adam Morrison

Adam Morrison probably hasn't bathed since his Gonzaga team lost to UCLA in the 2006 NCAA Tournament. He sees it as bad luck. It seems to be working out for him so far. My mom always told me to never judge a book by it's cover, but in this case he looks like shit so he must smell like it as well. It's simply the transitive property. Adam Morrison also has the least developed sense of smell in the NBA, which is why he can't smell the left over Taco Bell on his 'stache.

Most Likely Smells Like: Exhaust of a 1986 Trans Am, Failure, Classic Rock, Winston Cigarettes, Larry Bird's ejaculate.

3. Dikembe Mutombo

Now, I know I shouldn't poke fun at Dike. I'm sure he's a great guy, but let's be honest here, poor people smell. That's not racism or classism, it's fucking fact. Not to say there aren't rich people who don't smell, but as a whole, the lower class is the smelliest class. Ask anyone from India. While Mutombo isn't poor anymore, he spent so much time in Zaire that he basically marinated in the stench. You've seen those kids on the commercials about sending pennies for shoes or some shit, they have flies all over them. Flies aren't attracted to things that smell good. That was Dikembe Mutombo before he came to Georgetown to be a doctor. You can take the man out of Zaire, but you can't get the Zaire-stink out of the man. Plus, people who go to schools like Georgetown are usually douchebags. And douchebags smell. The first time Dikembe used his now legendary line "Who wants to sex Mutombo?" was actually back in his native country. It was after his tribe's mating ritual where the man covers his penis in bat guano and the urine of the tribe's elders, in order to attract a mate. I think there was a rain dance or something too.

Most Likely Smells Like: The Struggle, Foreign Aid, Elephant Poop, Upper Middle Class Elitism, Sally Struthers' Leftovers.

2. Chris Kaman

Chris Kaman is a caveman. It isn't some ironic nickname because Kaman and Caveman are similar words. Look at this goon. He's fucking horrible looking. I think that Chris has just given up. He just flat out doesn't give a shit anymore. "I'm in the NBA. I have millions of dollars. Fuck bathing." So he did. Now, I know what you are saying "Just because he's ugly doesn't mean he smells bad." Yes it does. Beautiful people smell like a winter's evening and a puppy's love put together and topped with freshly cleaned laundry. Ugly people smell like cheap booze, broken dreams, sawdust and fast food.

Most Likely Smells Like: Slight Albinism, Cattle, Boone's Farm, That fish smell that happens throughout the Midwest after it rains.

1. Zach Randolph

It is somewhat surprising that this fat slob is an NBA player. It will not be surprising though when he gets arrested in the next 6 months for something totally fucking retarded. It will probably involve a stripper. Again. This could just be a case of me pointing out a fat, black man and saying "He smells." But let's face the facts here, a fat man is far more likely to smell bad and a skinny one. I very easily could have put Glen Davis or Kendrick Perkins here, but Zach Randolph gets the nod because he is bat shit crazy. He also plays in New York City which, aside from Little Rock, Arkansas, is the worst smelling place in the United States.

Most Likely Smells Like: A Strip Club at 6am, Homelessness, Soul Food, Poor Decision Making, Patrick Ewing

The NBA's All-Time Stinkbags:

Robert Parish, Magic Johnson, Robert "Tractor" Traylor, Bryant Reeves, Rudy Tomjanovich, Larry Nance, Patrick Ewing, Bill Walton.

If you the loyal FRD reader (aka FRD writer) can think of anyone that I missed, please feel free to let me know. Hopefully I can continue doing nothing at work and can follow this up in a timely fashion.

If I were to name my penis after a professional athlete...

2008-06-11T20:00:00.005-04:00

This post is kind of strange but the type of shit me and my friends talk about. This post is just a continuation of a conversation I actually had. So if I were to name my dick after professional athletes these are some possible choices as well as explanations.

Magic Johnson- because it keeps getting fatter as I get older and it is filled with AIDS. Also, note the pun with the word "johnson."

Ryan Leaf- It has a lot of natural talent, but it doesn't have the head to play the game at the highest level.

Cedric Benson- It peaked in college and now has alcohol problems.

Big Brown- It's good for 2 out of 3 and is also descriptive of physical appearance.

A-ROD- It looks pretty and can put up some big numbers, but can't perform in big spots. Rod is also a pun.

Usaine Bolt-I get it done at world record speeds and the race lasts about 9 seconds.

Jim Brown- Because it's militant and is looking for a career in show business.

John Mackey- because it can't remember much of its career.

Dick Butkus- This one is just outrageous. Dick is an obvious choice. Butkus sounds like butt kiss which is a joke on itself. And it's also mean with a little bit of a mustache.

Dwayne Wade- The girls like it, but its overrated.

Mean Joe Greene- It's mean, big and green because of an STD.

Kerry Wood- Its reputation is based off a performance from 10 years ago. Wood is also a bit of a pun.

That's all for now, but try and think of some of your own. This may become a regular segment on the blog.

My plans for Wednesday include...

2008-06-02T17:59:00.005-04:00

Go Wings etc...

Bolt Breaks The Record

2008-06-02T02:20:00.002-04:00

I'm not sure how much press this story's going to get. A man by the name of Usain Bolt, incidentally a very fitting name at that, broke the world record in the 100 meter dash on May 31st, running it in 9.72 seconds. I found this interesting for a handful of reasons, none of which more depressing than the fact that there is yet another world class athlete who I'm older than. More importantly, I think the sport of running itself could get a little bit of the spotlight with the right person to market. Bolt now has the #1 and the #3 fastest times in the 100 meter in the history of recorded racing and he doesn't even turn 22 until August. In addition to his 100 meter accomplishments, he was also the fastest junior ever to run the 200 meter in 2004, and in 2007, Bolt broke the all-time record for the 200 meter race with a mark of 19.75 . The Kenyans have the marathons under wraps, but Bolt is claiming the sprints for Jamaicans everywhere. Below is the video of the record setting race...

Montage Monday VI

2008-06-02T02:17:00.000-04:00

Before I get into the montages for this week, let me address the somewhat lack of new material on this site and state that I'll be adding some new stuff to the site pretty frequently here this week- some maybe good, some maybe bad, but we'll see how it goes. I'm not sure anyone is reading either way. Now to the videos.

The first one isn't sports related at all. It's really is the gold standard by which all other montage videos should be judged. It's the "in memory" clip they show every year at the oscars. I'll be honest I never have any idea who half the people are, but they are just exceptionally produced. A sports version of this would be incredible.

The second one here is obviously influenced by the Red Wings being on the cusp of a stanley cup championship. I would write more on the subject, but I'm as neurotic a sports fan as you will meet and wouldn't dare to jinx them before they have this thing wrapped up. Anyways, 2008 marks the 10 year anniversary of the wings 98 cup championship. This is special for a couple of reasons as they repeated as champions, had a great emotional story with the "believe" thing going, and it marked the start of the summer after 7th grade for me- which I truly believe was my peak. Lots of great memories with this one.

The Second Opinion - Deep Pockets

2008-05-29T00:14:00.003-04:00

Last year Brian Urlacher felt so strongly that the Bears needed to have Lance Briggs that he decided to restructure his own contract so that the Bears would have enough money to sign Briggs to a long term deal. They did. Now, as the summer rolls around, I have to hear about how Brian Urlacher, the guy who threw some cash back at his team (completely unprovoked, mind you) so they could resign other guys, is complaining that he makes too little money for what he does and wants more years added to his contract. Now, I considered myself a jock at some point, so I tend to shy away from the stereotype that athletes are meatheads. It's just not true. Then guys like Urlacher and Briggs make it harder for me to defend that arguement. Brian, since I'm sure you're a regular at firereggiedunlap, I'll address this specifically to you:

What has changed (other than your deteriorating back condition) that helped you realize that you needed to make more money and suit up for two more years when it seemed that a mere five months ago you felt so secure in your contract that you returned money to the organization as a gift?
----------
Oh, Lance, don't think you're getting off the hook that easy. Just a couple of things worth mentioning:

1)Urlacher gave away money to the Bears, money he desperately needed apparently, for the sole purpose of allowing them to sign you. Big smile, right?

2)You have spoken to numerous media outlets about how you support the fight that your teammate, Urlacher, is going through with his contract impasse.

Do you support Urlacher enough to do for him what he did on your behalf? Or is this one of those "Ah, well... ahem, I support him as long as, er, I don't have to make any sort of personal sacrifice" situations?

Of course, this kind of stuff is indicative of what happens when you give large sums of money to meatheads.

I am against the instillation of instant replay for Major League Baseball. If the umps had indisputable evidence on a given play, then what would hot headed managers have to dispute? Unless you can program the instant replay machine to kick dirt all over the ump until he meakes his decision, I don't see replay as a feasible or enjoyable option.

Terrible crimes in history: 1) Nicole Brown being stabbed to death and OJ subsequently being found not guilty. 2) The Holocaust. 3) Me working at my ice rink from 9pm to close tomorrow and missing (until I watch the tape later) the season finale of Lost.

Note to all you pill poppers out there- read the box. Specifically the part about adult doses. Both yesterday and today I have been popping two Claritin in my mouth every four hours. That was until I read the box and it said that I shouldn't exceed one pill a day. Reason #326 for why I will be dead by the time I'm 30. Although, as they say, "It's better to burn out- then fade away." I want everyone to know that when I die, I want this blog to be what I am remembered by.

Montage Monday V

2008-05-26T04:19:00.004-04:00

We've got a soccer theme on this week's edition of montage monday, which won't be happening often so enjoy it while it's here. The first video focuses on one of my favorite folk hero's - George Best. Check out his wikipedia if you want some more info on him, he's really god damn interesting. The montage is very well done also.

The second video isn't all that great, but it combines my favorite poem and my favorite soccer event (1998 World Cup) together, so I figured that was good enough for now.

And So It Begins...

2008-05-24T13:25:00.011-04:00

Tonight, the Stanley Cup Finals begin in Detroit. If you aren't excited for it already, then I most likely hate you and you probably aren't reading this anyway. Yes, I am a huge Penguins fan. Yes, this is my half-assed attempt at writing a non-biased preview for the series. If you want numbers and other nerdery, I highly recommend this breakdown.

Offense:
A lot has been said about the Penguins offensive firepower and rightfully so. This team is an offensive powerhouse, there is no way around that. To say the Red Wings are weak offensively would be downright retarded. Both teams are very, very skilled up front. Hockey fans will get to see a series for hockey's ultimate prize featuring Datsyuk and Zetterberg versus Crosby and Malkin. The advantage in terms of offense in this series will be swung by depth, which I don't think anyone would argue, goes the Penguins way. Anytime a team can throw out Sidney Crosby, Evgeni Malkin, Marian Hossa, Petr Sykora and Ryan Malone as the featured components as their top two lines, you have a fairly deep team. Not to mention Jordan Staal, a second overall pick and Calder Trophy finalist last year, waiting in the wings on the third line.
Detroit's top line is obviously among the NHL elite. Pavel Datsyuk, Henrik Zetterberg and Tomas Holmstrom make one hell of a line. Even if one were to say that line washes out the top line of the Penguins, Sykora-Malkin-Malone is far and away better than the Red Wings second unit of Hudler-Filppula-Cleary (insert Johan Franzen when he returns). Compare Ruutu-Staal-Kennedy with Drake-Draper-Samuelsson as third units and it isn't even close. Jordan Staal has played like a man possessed the last 4 games or so and Tyler Kennedy deserves a goal more than anyone in the NHL right now with the way he is playing every shift. Kris Draper and Dallas Drake are old enough to be their parents. To compare the fourth lines would be stupid, not only because the Red Wings fourth line is garbage, but they don't really see enough ice time to swing the series entirely. However, in Gary Roberts (out for Game One) and Maxime Talbot, the Penguins have players that can step up. The Red Wings have Kirk Maltby and Darren McCarty on their fourth line. I would be scared if it was 1997.

Advantage: Penguins

Defense:
Niklas Lidstrom is the best defenseman in the NHL. I'm just going to come right out and say that so there is no confusion. He would probably work his way into my Top 5 D-Men of all time and he should win the Norris Trophy every year until he finally decides to hang up his skates. Pair him with Brian Rafalski and you have a great top defensive pairing. Throw in guys like Kronwall, Stuart, Lebda and Lilja to round out your back line and you are by no means weak. It appears as though Chris Chelios will be a healthy scratch for Game One, which Red Wings fans should see as a good sign. Yeah, he's Chris Chelios, I fully understand that and I like him as much as the next guy, but at this point in his career he fucking sucks. Plain and simple. Chris, if you are reading this: A. What the fuck are you doing with your life reading this? B. Retire. You are slow and a fraction of the player you once were.
The Penguins have a very solid and underrated defense to compliment their offensive stars. Sergei Gonchar should have been a Norris finalist this year, but it's not like he was going to win it so who cares. Hal Gill has been the most underrated trade deadline pickup in the league, Brooks Orpik has developed into a highly capable NHL defenseman in a matter of months, Rob Scuderi has been a beast, Ryan Whitney is very talented and Kris Letang is going to develop into a very good puck moving defenseman. Still, as good as the Penguins defensive corps is, it isn't up to the level of Detroit's. The main reason for that is Niklas Lidstrom. He is that good.

Advantage: Red Wings

Goaltending:
Chris Osgood and Marc-Andre Fleury have been far and away the two best goalies in the NHL Playoffs. Their stats are basically identical. You can break down this matchup as much as you want, but it will basically boil down to which goalie can stay hot the longest. Fleury has the age advantage there, Osgood being 64 years old has to catch up with him sooner or later. Right?

Advantage: Push

This is the ultimate matchup of youth facing experience. But when does being experienced turn into just being old? How long does this gray area last? Many of these Red Wings players have been here before and won. They clearly have the experience advantage. The Penguins have their share of guys who have been here before (Roberts, Gonchar, Sykora) but nothing like the Finals experience on the other side. But the youth of this Penguins team could be a real advantage. They don't know they are supposed to lose. This is not the Red Army Red Wings team of the mid 90s. This team is beatable and they are about to play a very good team that is on a roll. The Red Wings had the best record in the NHL this year, mainly because of their great start out of the gate. The Penguins finished second in the East but the team they put on the ice at the end of the season was far different than the one at the beginning, mainly because of Malkin exploding and the addition of Marian Hossa.
Home ice could also play a factor. The Red Wings can't sell out their games and the Penguins haven't lost at home since February. Both home arenas are pieces of shit too by the way. But at least Penguins fans fill up both the inside and outside of their piece of shit.
Basically, these predictions mean nothing and the fact that this one is written by a Penguins fan may contribute a little more to that. But with the way this Penguins team has been playing I am not scared of any team no matter how "unbeatable" they may be. My only hope is that Red Wing fans, being much classier and smarter than Ranger and Flyer fans, don't use all the built in excuses available to them when they don't win it all.

Prediction: Lord Stanley, Lord Stanley, give me the brandy. Penguins in 6

The Second Opinion: The Pacman Jones file

2008-05-21T19:26:00.003-04:00

I haven't been around much to put my thoughts in order, but I found myself with some free time and a burning thought in the back of my brain: The ridiculous terms of the trade that sent Adam "Pacman" Jones to the Dallas Cowboys. For those of you who may not be familiar with the trade, The Dallas COwboys sent a fifth round draft pick to the Titans for Pacman, who is still under suspension from the league for his involvement in a strip club altercation. Under the terms of teh agreement, should the NFL refuse his appeal for reinstatement, the Titans would have to send their fifth round pick to the Cowboys, who will retain Pacman Jones. This is absurd. My opinion is, if you trade for a player when you are fully aware that there are extenuating circumstances which might prevent him from playing, you take that risk and shouldn't be shocked if it doesn't work out. What would happen if Pacman is not reinstated by the league this year, but is then allowed back in the league in 2009? As far as I can tell, the Cowboys would make out like gangbusters. They wouldn't have given up a thing. While it's unfortunate that the Cowboys have their hands tied behind their backs in this situation, nobody put a gun to their head to make this trade. I can't believe that the league gave the green light to it.

The O or 1 scale

2008-05-19T18:12:00.008-04:00

Dear Friends,

I want to introduce you to something that changed my life. It's not a new health fad or a religion. It's something far superior to both those shitty things. It's called the zero or one scale and it will blow your fucking mind.

I first learned of the 0/1 scale as a freshmen in college from a friend. Since then some changes and variations have occurred but the basic principal remains the same. A "0" is anything you would regret and a "1" is anything you wouldn't regret. At first this system was created entirely for the purpose of judging females. The founding fathers saw too many flaws in the over-hyped traditional 1-10 scale used by so many. Being able to quickly gage a room of chicks and formulate 0's or 1's was amazingly efficient and also served as a pseudo code for you and your friends.

An interesting thing happened after that. If you could use the 0/1 to measure girls why couldn't you apply it to everything in life? The simple answer is you can. For example, reading this blog is probably a 1. Good food is a 1, bad food a 0, you can use it for sports etc...

Go ahead and give it a shot, I think you'll be pleasantly surprised at the results. Also, feel free to pay on the scale to your other friends. Think of it as paying it forward.

I'll break down the scale here and include a couple of commonly accepted variations:

A One: You wouldn't regret.

A Zero: You would regret.

A Montross: A double zero, or in other words a really fucking disgusting girl- when used in the original context. Named after former UNC basketball great and number 00 Eric Montross. Very commonly accepted variation.

One +: a 1+ in shorthand. An extremely hot girl. This is a hotly contested variation flat out rejected by the original creators of the scale. I do use the term though, but think it can only be applied to the hottest of hot girls and is extremely rare. My definition of a 1+ is a girl who you would cut your pinky off to have sex with. Seriously it's that rare to find a 1+. Assholes who try to abuse the 0/1 scare frequently hand out far too many 1+'s.

An Isiah: Two 1's standing next to each other, thus forming an 11. Named after former Piston great Isiah Thomas #11. The terminology might be slightly off, but this is widely accepted in the 0/1 community.

Montage Monday v. IV

2008-05-19T13:48:00.004-04:00

I'm supposed to be doing real work this week and actually didn't commit that much time to this week's segment. I'm throwing up two montages that are pretty well done, but you can take a look and judge for yourself.

She Wants To Sell My Monkey

2008-05-14T21:10:00.002-04:00

In honor of Coach's mention of the man, the myth, the legend Mike Lange, here are his Top 10 Moments. This recently aired on TSN and it embodies everything that is amazing about Mike Lange and his ability to call a hockey game.

The blog Going Five Hole recently ran a "Mike Lange Tournament of Quotes" which gives a solid rundown of every single gem Lange has dropped over the years. On a side note, what the hell ever happened to the Jagr Salute goal celebration? Why did he stop doing this? I'll be back when the Conference Finals end with my biased preview of the Stanley Cup Finals.

The Second Opinion

2008-05-14T11:31:00.000-04:00

Since we have begun the shift toward themed posts, I have chosed to introduce the Second Opinion, where Dr. Porter discusses how things are and how they could be different.

Today's topic: Sports video games. More specifically, the Madden and NHL(insert year) franchises that are staples of my video game collection. It seems as though video games have gotten so advanced that I don't find myself enjoying them as much as I have in years past. I think my waning fervor is directly related to the way those video games have translated to the next generation systems. For instance, I grew up playing NHL games day and night. I would spend hours creating all of my friends as sick players and running the table for a decade (we were all 11 at the time, so I assumed our dynasty would last for 30 video game years.), or finding out the one movement, the one path, which would guarantee a goal. Every edition of the game had one and you felt a great feeling of accomplishment when it was established. My most memorable year was in 2005 when I brought Eric Lindros and Ray Whitney to the Blackhawks. It was a great move for everybody. Lindros and Whitney both revived their careers and the Hawks enjoyed three straight cup titles, much to the charign of their owner. (I'm not kidding about the owner thing. In Dynasty mode, the owner gives you objectives like "make money" or "get the first draft pick" and my owner, Bill Wirtz, wanted me to lose games and get the first draft pick. It was nearly like real life, which I have to applaud. I was almost the first coach ever to be fired specifically because he won the Stanley Cup. Coach can attest to this.) That was on the Nintendo Gamecube, which would last me until 2006 when I purchased an Xbox 360. Of course, NHL 2008 was the first gme I purchased. I have played it a total of seven times. Seven. Part of that is due to the fact that I am busier now, but it is mainly because the game doesn't have the same feel as the older versions. It's as if the game makers were so preoccupied with making the game more realistic that they forgot the equation that makes the game sweet: Shooting + passing + knocking guys off their skates= good game. That's all that's necessary. Don't make it more complicated to shoot. I don't want to have to flick a stick in eight different directions in order to score. I want to hit the "A" button as many times as I can. And if you are advertising better graphics for the game, here's a sweet way to flaunt it- playoff beards. Input a code so that when a team makes the playoffs, they immediately sport a playoff beard. AT least give me the ability to edit my own player options so I can add the beards myself.

Another thing I find annoying about all sports games is the lack of an accurate roster. We live in the age of downloadable content and it should be easy to set up an accurate roster for a team and post in on X-box live so that I can play with the guys that I see on TV every night. I was turned off by the fact that I couldn't play with Patrick Kane or Jonathan Toews which are both up for rookie of the year. I understand that the games come out before all of these new guys can be processed, but why couldn't they add them in at a later date? This is especially annoying with the Madden franchise where the rosters are, for the most part, deadlocked by August or September. In baseball and hockey, the roster can change every day so I could marginally understand why the roster wouldn't always be up to date. As far as Madden goes, though, I was not able to play with some Bears' draft late round draft picks who had made an impact on the team this last year. The Bears also made a trade for a player which was almost impossible to replicate in the game without giving up a major player which would in itself make the video game team look different than the real one. The rosters are the one thing about sports games that are truly different from year to year. If it wasn't for the new rosters, I wouldn't have any motivation to buy the game each fall, unless there was a drastic improvement in the mechanics of the game (which usually isn't the case). So step up, EA, and set up roster updates so that I never have to worry about missing a key member of my team.

Montage Monday Vol. III

2008-05-12T04:38:00.000-04:00

Trying to get in a quick update to this week's Montage Monday. Neither clip this week is excellent but both are entertaining. The First one is about Isiah Thomas and how fucking sweet of a basketball player he was. I sometimes think it is lost on people how actually great he was as a player because they just remember how shitty he is an a businessman. In his prime though he was the definition of a point guard. He was Chris Paul 15 years before Chris Paul if that helps you understand. He was tough as nails and led his teams to championships, what more could you ask. Those Detroit teams were revolutionary in the basketball world, and I'm sure I could write a hell of a lot more about them so I won't. The point is Zeke was great, he defined his team and his city and it's absolute bullshit he wasn't on the Dream Team. Michael Jordan can suck my dick about that.

The second clip is a ESPN blooper clip that I'm pretty sure everyone has seen, but it's entertaining and comical and reminds me of the glory days of SportsCenter.

Enjoy and God Bless.

Dress for Success

2008-05-08T15:00:00.000-04:00

The other day I decided that I should probably purchase some Pistons gear for this year's playoff run, since I'm stuck in central Ohio with none. Logging onto the internet to check some stuff out I remember how truly atrocious some team merchandise is. I've reached the point in my life where as a college graduate I can no longer wear a jersey, but the very idea of supporting my teams through my wardrobe is pretty out there. Isn't the idea of like a 40-year-old man stretching a t-shirt displaying a silk-screened image of Lebron James over his beer guy unintentionally sad? But we love our teams, we love our players and we love our sports so these are the sacrifices we make.

Anyways, after searching for Pistons stuff and seeing how stupid some of it was and I took a look at some other team's shops. Here is some of the better stuff I found. (and btw these are all available to purchase from the team's main store- it's not like I was searching ebay from some obscure t-shirt of my youth, but you can do that if you want)

The Aaron Affalo Shirt.I seriously considered buying this. Good to know that if you can average 12.9 minutes a game and 3 points in the NBA, you can be immortalized on a shirt. I swear to god this was made for dudes and not little kids.

Jeremy Roenick is back. Well kind of, but he sucked and then left again so there is really no reason to own or sell this shirt

Miami Dolphins Draft Shirt. This is why the NFL draft is stupid. It's a great day for transition junkies like myself, but there is no reason to celebrate the fact your team was the worst in the league. The "believe in now" tagline isn't even that bad if the actual draft logo wasn't there. I guess maybe Dolphins fans just want to remember the moment their franchise was #1.

Edgar Renteria Red Sox Shirt. I guess when the Red Sox traded Edgar away two seasons ago, he took his sleeves with him.

Lions Dad Shirt. John Kitna I think know what you should get your dad for fathers day. My guess is that Roy Williams' and Shaun Rodgers' dads aren't rocking these in the stands or around town and in reality they are the only ones who should be wearing these. Just because you are a dude who likes the Lions and may have actually fathered a child does not make you a "Lions Dad". You'd just be a douche-bag for wearing this shirt and should reconsider your priorities to your family. I could actually see shithead wives buying this shirt for their husbands as a gift which would be pathetic as well, and if my future wife pulled shit like that we'd probably end up divorced. I'm not kidding either.

Baron Davis For MVP. I like this shirt, I really do. However, a point guard who shoots too much and can't lead his team to the playoffs probably doesn't deserve the MVP. Maybe they're talking about Warriors' MVP, I can maybe buy that.

The Stepford Red Wings

2008-05-08T14:06:00.000-04:00

Tonight, the NHL Conference Finals begin. I will not take the easy way out and say Sidney Crosby is a diver. He has never been called for a diving penalty, so just shut up already. It's like calling someone who has never scored a goal in the NHL a goal scorer. Enjoy your built in excuse when you lose in 6, Philadelphia. Instead, I will be looking towards the west, specifically Detroit. Which as everyone knows, is in the western part of the United States.

Something that has always struck me as odd about the Detroit Red Wings is that this team has been able to stay very good for a very long time. In the mid to late 90s, they were the most successful NHL franchise winning multiple Stanley Cups and being one of, if not the favorite to win every year. But that's when things got weird. They stayed competitive yet when I would run down their roster at the beginning of every year I would say to myself, "Meh, not that good." Then April would roll around, Detroit would be towards the top of the Western Conference and they would be in contention for another championship. I have finally figured out how this is possible. Cloning. That's right. The Detroit Red Wings have been cloning hockey players for the better part of a decade.

I know what you are thinking. Cloning is not the reason for this amazing string of longevity in being a good hockey club. You can say it's the timely trades, the good work in scouting and the draft, the great coaching/management, and on and on. Wrong. It's fucking cloning. But these doctors up in Detroit have been very good at keeping it quiet. They aren't out saying in their German accents, "Look at us! Look at vhat vee have done vif zee hockey playing men!" by cloning Nicklas Lidstrom and Pavel Datsyuk and having a team full of genetic superstars. No, they are building their legacy upon red bearded, second and third line players. When watching the Red Wings play this season, the only thing I could think of was the fact that everyone on that team looked the same. Played the same. Had the same color beard. Something was up.

The man that I have determined to be "Patient Zero", if you will, for the Detroit Hockey Genome Project (DHGP) is Dallas Drake. Now, Drake would never be confused by anyone except for maybe Dallas' mother, of being an NHL superstar. He's had a very long and good career in the league. But he is also the genetic "father" to a large portion of the current Red Wings roster. Drake was drafted by the Red Wings in the 6th round of the 1989 Entry Draft. During the 1992-93 season, he played in 72 games for the Red Wings. The following season however, he was traded to Winnipeg. The reason for this trade is that his DNA had been extracted by doctors in Detroit and they had no use for him any longer. Poof. Gone. This is when Red Wings doctors began their experimentation with the human genome, using Dallas Drake as their base.

While doctors were locked up in their labs somewhere in a cave hidden in the mountains of the Greater Detroit Metro Area, the Red Wings were winning. A lot. With a bunch of Russians. Which is another story altogether. Somehow I think these same doctors and World War II were involved. Anyway, when Steve Yzerman, Igor Larionov and Sergei Fedorov had all left town, it was time for Dallas Drake's "children" to take the ice.

The first was Tomas Holmstrom. He played on all three of Detroit's recent Stanley Cup victories in 1997, 1998 and 2002, making his debut with the team in the 1996-97 season. He was the first success that the doctors had in cloning Dallas Drake and served as a test run of sorts. He was brought out onto the ice while the Red Wings were winning to not only acclimate the public to the upcoming string of clones, but to also see if they could play and win. Next came Henrik Zetterberg, arguably their masterpiece, who made his debut in 2002-03. There was a little bit of a rough patch in Michigan and all the doctors could turn out were average AHL players and lacrosse players with 3 arms. Weird.

Soon enough, the doctors found their mistakes and corrected them. That's when the floodgates opened up and in poured a wave of pretty good but not that good hockey players. In the 2005-06 season alone, the following players, who are still with the team that "made" them, mind you, made their debuts:

RW Mikael Samuelsson

C Valtteri Filppula

RW Dan Cleary (He did play with other NHL teams before the Red Wings. I think it's just a cover up so as to not look suspicious.)

C Johan Franzen

D Brett Lebda

By 2006, the Red Wings had a total of 7 players on their team who were all the exact fucking same. When their postseason ended sooner than some anticipated, the Red Wings made a roster move the following off season to settle their core of clones down. In 2007, the Red Wings signed Dallas Drake to a one year deal. Who better to teach these red bearded grinders how to play the game and keep their minds at ease as they find out who they really are than their "father"? Now, the Red Wings are entering the Western Conference Finals. Again. On the strength of an absurd goal scoring stretch by "The Mule" himself, Johan Franzen. Under daddy's tutelage, Johan has come into his own and accepted what he is.

This year will turn out much like the previous years for the Red Wings in their quest for the Cup, though. They will fall short, losing to the Dallas Stars, simply because in the battle of nature vs. science, nature will always win. But when you watch the Red Wings take the ice in the coming weeks, remember what you have read here today and always be mindful of what the Red Wings are trying to put by the hockey public. You aren't fooling us any longer.

I love whoever runs the jumbotron at Miller Park.

2008-05-07T23:39:00.000-04:00

To those of you who "get it...."

2008-05-05T21:20:00.000-04:00

It's Friday night -- let's say like 10:30pm. You just finished up your week and you're heading out to the bar with a bunch of people who in all likelihood don't really comprehend what it is you're going through. If you're like me, you've spent the better part of life after high school searching for the select few in this world who get why your face is hidden behind a disgusting wall of hair.

Most won't understand that it isn't really a beard, and it isn't the result of a three week coke binge, hacking away at every redeeming quality your soul has to offer. You didn't lose a bet, and you're not protesting against the sale of South African apartheid diamonds. They probably think that the stench fuming off your body like wood chips in a sawmill is from the three week old masterpiece on your face. You're too ashamed to say in public that it's from your socks and underwear which haven't been changed (let alone washed) since you clinched the division with that win over Chicago.

Finally, even after the bud light and Jameson has settled in, you still refuse to sit in the booth to the right of the little stage where the bar hosts live music every Thursday after happy hour. It doesn't matter that all of your friends are being forced to stand in the middle of the dance floor where the local trash is grinding up on the rest of the local trash. Your buddy almost got in a fight with one of them for looking at some girl the wrong way. He's your best friend though, and he's probably the one guy you're with who gets that it's absolutely necessary to avoid that booth at all costs. If you were to sit there, you're going to blow the lead again just like last week and the guilt is just too heavy to carry all the way to free agency. No real friend would put another friend in a position like that.

I'm off course referring to the nonsense that every nonsensical sports fans imposes on themselves during the unbearably difficult period that is the post season. You ever try explaining to a girl or some hippie weirdo why you have empty beer cans lined along the perimeter of your apartment? I swear man, even the most asinine characters I've come to know have suggested therapy when they've witnessed the shit I've pulled during the playoffs. The thing about attending a massive, universally known sports school like I do is that there's a unprecedented mix of people within the community. In my first year way back in 2003 (pathetic I know), I met people from Ohio, Michigan, California, Texas and North Carolina within the first 48 hours after move-in. Each of them had their own culture, their own stories, and most importantly, they all had their own sports loyalties which I was eventually forced to accept.

And when you do that, when you submerge yourself into a lifestyle filled with people from all over the country, it's nearly impossible to find those passionate about your teams the way you are (this is excluding the school's football and basketball teams, of course). You seclude yourself from the rest of your world. Everything shuts down. Everyone who had become the make-up of your social life are now barely visible beneath the shadows cast from a championship trophy so close you can smell it.

There's a writer on this blog right now who is going through this very process. He realizes that none of us really give a damn about his team under normal circumstance, but know we will support him during these heart-wrenching times -- either that or continuously remind him how his favorite player is a pussy-ass diver, fishing for penalties and afraid of contact. It's a give and take situation.

But that's how it is, and that's just fine with me. I went through this process during the Giants Superbowl run a few months ago, and I'm telling you, the amount of attention I got from people, both negative and positive, will forever shape the way I treat others during their favorite team's most treacherous times. For those of you who reminded me how utterly undefeatable the Pats were... I just hope we aren't friends when you're heading into a deciding game -- I can't afford the medical bills.

To this day, I still have a hard time understanding how the outrageous things we do effect the outcome of these games (and yes, I've given up trying to explain it -- I just know it's true). How the fuck does a beard, or fuck it, a mustache make the puck slide off a hockey player's stick with better crisp and accuracy?

Remember when Oprah was pitching that book The Secret, which claimed that there has been "a secret" known by successful people for literally thousands of years? -- that if you identify what you want, and use the metaphysical world to channel your energy, you can create a tangible, positive effect on your own life? I used to look at the whole concept as the ultimate sucker-punch on the impressionable American public, but who the fuck knows? Maybe there's some truth to it. Maybe if you want something so God Damn bad enough you can turn it into a reality. I mean, let's be honest. The Giants had no business beating the Cowboys or Packers, let alone the Patriots. It's obvious that the beard I sported for five weeks did something to Tom Brady's ankle and Eli Manning's heart. I don't think I have special powers or anything because I've seen it work with other sports fans, too. Some hot shot scientist who's had Laker's season tickets for the last 30 years needs to lobby for more funding to study this topic. There's got to be others like me who wants to stop guessing with their superstitions and start taking a more choreographed approach.

We're fans. We're the reason they play the game, yada yada yada -- but part of me likes to think we're a little more than that. Each and every year, multi-million dollar, freakishly gifted athletes take the court, or the ice, or the field and put their bodies on the line on a regular basis. You're telling me that these guys don't have the ability to channel out the crowds and play relatively the same no matter where they are? The fans are clearly doing something, otherwise there'd be absolutely no way to explain the significantly better home records across the board in every sport.

It's in our in voices. It's in our socks. It's in our beards, and it's in our hearts. Keep doing all the bullshit you guys do. If you support the notion that you're just a fan and not really a part of the game, then you and I will never quite connect. If you support the notion that "the 12th Man" is more than just a concept, then you and I need to have a beer and watch the game. There are few out there quite like us.

Montage Monday Vol. II

2008-05-05T01:22:00.000-04:00

We're going to veer off the norm in this week's edition of Montage Monday&trade. The first is kind of a sport, but not really. It does however involve one of the greatest american folk hero's of all-time.....Andre The Giant. There are some athletes that I truly wish I saw in their prime. Examples of this would be like Gordie Howe, Bill Bradley and Larry Bird, where stories and pictures can only do so much. Hearing and reading people talk about these guys actually makes me sad I never got to see it with my own eyes. I feel the same way about Andre the Giant. Much like Bird, I have a vague memory of seeing Andre, but by the time I did he was on the downside of his career and I was much too young to fully appreciate his talents. Honestly, I think I would include Andre in a top ten list of people I wish I could have a beer with, though if he lived up to his legend I would most certainly die of alcohol poisoning.

The second clip has nothing to do with sports at all....unless you count Kevin Arnold's green Jets jacket. The Wonder Years is great television, and that's become oh so rare these days. It's maddening to me at how bad television has gotten these days and the general lack of plot or storyline in any network show. The Sopranos, The Wire and even in early stages The Real World were ground breaking TV, but they larger than life. Shows like The Wonder Years don't exist anymore and it's a shame. Now I do have an irrational love of the show and can not properly communicate my love of it, but it deserves the credit. I'll even admit it can be a little corny at times, but it was amazingly genuine and reflected its themes perfectly. So not to get too mushy, but enjoy the clips.

Ted Turner, You Can Take Your Sitcom And...

2008-05-03T00:59:00.000-04:00

I have no doubt that I am the only one to notice this, but I deem it totally necessary to point out to the masses. If you have in any way, shape or form watched the NBA Playoffs over the last three years, you have unfortunately experienced something completely unnecessary and, above all else, totally unrelated to sports. Nothing has ever been whored out to the extent of the TBS/TNT sitcom/drama. Whether it be Kevin Bacon's big-titted wife eliciting confessions from common street trash or the modern-day Steve Harvey show, TNT insists on pounding the details of the next flash in the pan comedy bore from the loins of The Southern Donald Trump himself, Ted Turner. Thanks to the merciless marketing bastards responsible for this onslaught, I can't listen to Marv Albert without hearing about how "Very Funny" (which is TBS's ingenious tag line) the latest Bill Engvall Show episode. First off, they must believe that people will choose not to watch a half-assed male hillbilly Rosanne, so they push it like crack on a street corner. Second of all, It must be genius enlisting Marv Albert, seeing as I cannot think of anything but him biting a hooker's ass while he talks non-basketball.

"Very Funny" if your relate to hunting and beating your wife.
p.s. There is no way in hell that this dickhead is America's Favorite Comedian, unless the Great Plains alone is considered America.

Not only do I not give a fuck who Madea is, I don't ever want to hear about how funny the black Martin Short wanna-be is.

It's no secret that I am a Cavaliers fan, and during one of the rare championships that they have, not to mention I, have gotten to witness, I was not allowed to watch the Cavs without hearing about Tyler Perry's House Of Payne. I realize that this is an effort at target marketing, getting the african-american segment, who supposedly loves all things Tyler Perry for some reason, informed on their new sitcom (which is another reason I dont see the Bill Engvall Show taking off thanks to its brilliant placement here). On the other hand, there is no reason that they need to insult the viewers with the every-minute-on-the-minute reminders to clock in to their shitty cable endeavors. That fact single-handedly assured that I would change the channel whenever I would accidentally find my TV on The Closer, The Bill Engvall Show and Tyler Perry's House of Payne. Ted Turner, you should be ashamed of yourself...not to mention your company's failure to recognize talent. I am not a religious man, but I will be praying like hell that Larry The Cable Guy doesn't boob-joke and arab-bash his way into TBS's Summer line-up come next year's playoffs.

H.G. Bissinger is f'ing clownshoes

2008-05-01T19:36:00.000-04:00

So much has been said about Buzz Bissinger's tirade against sports blogs the last few days that I'm not going to pile on. Regardless though, I would be remiss not to comment. Bissinger's points are fair, but remarkably out of touch. Mr. Bissinger is a dinosaur, and while dinosaurs ruled the earth for thousand of years, they eventually went extinct. (I have a christian friend who says dinosaurs never existed, but he is a crazy bastard.) Only time will tell what will happen to print journalists and how they will be interpreted in the future.

The biggest thing that stands out to me is how much Bissinger, and Costas to an extent, fails to be progressive in this view of new media. Blogs create fast news that is accessible to everyone. That is the beauty of new media; everyone has a voice. We are no longer subject to the same tired few points and played out stories. The lack of regulation amongst the internet community is somewhat worrisome, but there does exist some sort of pseudo-policing on the web. As Will Leich said it's hard work get readership in a blog and even harder to earn any legitimacy.

From the athletes point of view, they argue that they no longer have any privacy because of the internet and to that I say- tough shit. Our generation has grown up with the internet, and an unfortunate side effect of that is embarrassing pictures being posted on it. Older people can not understand this because of their lack of understanding the world wide web. I sometimes laugh thinking about future presidential campaigns and how a picture on facebook from 20 years prior will have an impact. Trust me there are plenty of embarrassing things involving myself, and when you combine those with my radical views on pornography, I'm not getting elected to public office anytime soon. Photos of athletes drunk also help to humanize these guys and that's not such a bad thing. Anyways, this post was a little more serious than I had originally intended so to lighten it up I'll provide some embarrassing pictures of the authors of this blog that are floating around the internet.

Montage Monday

2008-04-28T00:07:00.000-04:00

I wanted to start a new segment on this blog... Montage Monday. I'll post some of my favorite sport montages and maybe some other ones.

This week I'm in a hockey mood so I'm putting up two from CBC. Growing up in Detroit, I always had the luxury of watching CBC, but realize many missed out. The first is from the 1998 Detroit Red Wings, the second is from the 1991 Pittsburgh Pens (the quality is kind of bad but realize this is 17 years old).

Just a Reminder: Sharks @ Flames, 8pm on Versus

2008-04-20T19:10:00.000-04:00

I definitely recommend checking out the hockey game tonight. If you’ve never seen what a home game for the Calgary Flames in the playoffs is like, you’re really in for a treat. A lot of teams, particularly in college, like to do gimmicks where everyone in the crowd wears the same color. Penn State is notorious for their “white out” every year. Calgary takes things to a different level.

In the “C of Red,” as they call it, nearly every single human being who bought a ticket this evening will not only be wearing the same color, but everyone will be wearing the same exact shirt — a Calgary Flames jersey. As far as I know there’s nothing else in sports like this. Sure, you’ll get a handful of spectators scattered around the arena who find it necessary to deviate from the gameplan, but you’ll see that these “fans” are few and far between. This game will be feature an especially passionate atmosphere considering the Flames are facing elimination tonight in game six of this series.

The whole thing stems from the fact that Canadians are fucking crazy about their hockey. It’s bad in Toronto and Montreal, but when you get out to Calgary and Edmonton where there is literally nothing else to do, they begin to treat hockey like a religion… and I don’t mean that as an exaggeration. These maniacs actually worship the ground the Flames walk on — and I love it. You should, too. I’m sure I’m not the only one out there who enjoys seeing west coast teams like the San Jose Sharks fail. The puck drops about an hour from now on Versus. Go Flames Go.

Oh, and Happy Holidays.

I consider myself... the luckiest viewer.... on the face of the Earth.

2008-04-20T15:43:00.001-04:00

As America turned the corner into the new millenium, ESPN treated the public to the most amazing sport-clip compilation video ever assembled. Titled "ESPN's Greatest Sports Moments of the Century", the video chronicles all the highs and lows of American sports for the healthier part of the last one hundred years. Every big game, every major gaffe, famous and infamous athletes; few details were overlooked. It is a video that is both exciting and bittersweet, a definite must see for any sports fan. The music choice (Aerosmith's "Dream On") is impeccable and the way they organize the clips in relation to the song will have you applauding in front of your computer screen. Here isa link to a youtube presentation of the video- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QTdk_cB_T3Y .

I've watched this video at least 200 times and lately I've been thinking that a sequel needs to be put together. What is interesting, maybe shocking, is that you could compile a video of roughly the same length using moments in just the eight year span from 2000-2008. I'll start a list and people can feel free to add moments/figures if I fail to mention them. The list is in no particular order, only as I think of them:

-Barry Bonds
-Jose Canseco's book
-The Mitchell Report
-Lebron James
-The Patriots dynasty
-The NHL Lockout
-The death of Bill Wirtz and the subsequent resurgance of the Chicago Blackhawks (I know, a homer call, but as the hawks get better and fans reaquaint themselves with the team, this has all the ingredients of a major sports storyline.)
- Steve Bartman
- T.O.
-The Cinncinati Bengals
-The Pistons-Pacers melee
-Brett Favre's retirement
-Giants superbowl win 2008
-The Duke Lacrosse team trial
-LaDainlian Tomlinson
-Peyton Manning
-A-Rod
-Sydney Crosby
-Alexander Ovechkin's goal where he was lying on his back sliding away from the net.
-Kobe Bryant's 80 point night
-The effect of 9/11 on Sports
-Pat Tillman
-Rocky's comeback from retirement ( just kidding)
- Marion Jones
-Michael Phelps
-Tiger Woods (Fuck me, I can't believe it took me this long to think of Tiger Woods.)

That's all I can think of right now, but I'm sure the list is far longer. Even with what is up now, a legitimate second sports moment video could be compiled. It already is in my head.

Gary Bettman Knows Nothing About Puss

2008-04-20T14:40:00.000-04:00

Hockey is a great sport because it has great traditions. We've unfortunately seen many of these traditions be raped and striped from the game by Gary Bettman.

Just for the hell of it let's take a look at some of Bettman's accomplishments as commissioner:

- Got rid of cool conference and division names.

-Let the Whale leave Hartford and other teams leave Canada

- Put up those pussy nets to stop the puck from flying into the crowd

- Took away hockey for a year.

-Got caught at some nazi sex orgy

Now Mr. Bettman is coming after a tradition near and dear to my heart, the throwing of octopi on the ice in Detroit. The NHL has decided that when Al Sobotka pick the octopus off the ice he can't do this trademark twirl in the air. They've explained that substances fly off the creature and onto the ice when he does this. If Sobotka does this, the team will suffer a $10,000 fine.

Essentially the NHL has become the real "No Fun League." I can't help but think this has something to do with why no one gives two shits about and it gets less time on TV than Golden Girls reruns.

In closing, leave Hockeytown™ alone.

Tales of April Baseball

2008-04-18T17:12:00.000-04:00

I'm a little ashamed that my first contribution to FRD is coming in the form of a shitty "Top Whatever" list. I've been suffering through a bit of writer's block over the past few days and my only hope of posting something mildly entertaining is to have an entry with some structure.

Baseball in and of itself devalues the importance of the individual contests. Even the most ardent fans have to admit that the sting from April heart-breakers pale in comparison to the suicidal rampages that result from early season football defeat. Yet for some reason, we all know at least nine different assholes who find it necessary to post their disdain for the local ballclub in their away messages and Facebook statuses. Some of the worst will even drop a text message on us, serving as an alarm clark -- an alarm clark with a very different wake up call... Lose. This. Friend.

But here we are. We're like 17 games in, the weather crept up to 80 today, and Joe Morgan has called the black people flashier than the whites. Baseball, to use a horrific pun here, is officially in full swing. So what's happening? What's worth writing about? Shit, is there anything even worth watching? You bet there is. I've composed the five most compelling, touches-the-heart, knife-in-the-groin storylines from this budding toddler of a season. April baseball may be meaningless, but even in these repetitive times, the game certainly has it's moments.

#5. Where Have You Gone Barry Bonds?
Does anyone else find the lack of Barry Bonds coverage to be very surprising? My guess is Barry's ecstatic that the sport he's dominated for the better part of two decades seems to have forgotten him. My question is, how the fuck did this happen? He's not only arguably the most controversial athlete of our generation, but he also still happens to be a damn fine baseball player.

In a "down year" for Bonds, he still posted a .480 OBP, .607 SLG%, and popped 28 home runs in just 126 games. Is he getting older with diminishing stats? Certainly. Is he going to jail? Maybe. Would he quite possibly be the worst PR signing in the history of anything, ever? You bet. But the bottom line in every aspect of living, and this sadly includes sports, is money money money. The gate Barry Bonds would bring far outweighs the juice flowing through his soul. So ironically, My #5 story is the lack of a story at all. I want to see what Barry Bonds is up to. I don't need the syringes or roid-rage. Just get some paparazzi to his house and give me a photograph of his big square head running on a treadmill. Someone please confirm that the bastard is still alive.

#4: Big Papi's Big Slump
It's starting to get ridiculous. The lesson I value the most from 15 years of watching this game is that April numbers don't mean dick. The season is a marathon, a cliché. A continuous contradiction. The best players in the game can go 0 for 5 on any given day and Eddie Taubensee can hit a walk off home run. The stats always even out regardless of how bad it gets.

That being said, David Ortiz's season opening slump is at the very least a huge shocker. I mean, we're talking about one half of the two headed monster behind two World Championship seasons. Ortiz is currently 8 for 63. He has one, yes one, extra base hit. His season RBI total matches Xavier Nady's opening day total... four. He'll eventually snap out of it, but when it gets to this point and everyone's eyes are on your every at bat, each pitch gets magnified and the pressure builds. Ortiz has a history of excelling at an unprecedented level under pressure, but this is a different kind of pressure. For the first time in his career, his at bats aren't about the team, but rather they are about him. People aren't watching to see if he'll lift the Red Sox to victory. They're watching to see if one of the game's best will continue to fail.

#3 - Canseco's latest book -- Steroids II: What I Forgot to Write in the First One
I almost don't even want to mention this because there are few people more detrimental to their profession than Canseco. It's as if he's the thorn in the ass of baseball, slipping right into the hole the syringes left from the late 90s. His agenda is obvious. Money. If the majority of this book were true there would have been no reason not to include it in the first one.

But regardless, this book will be the talk of every baseball town in America very soon. Passages about his hatred for Alex Rodriguez and relationship with Roger Clemens have already been released, and ESPN decided it was necessary to interview him once for the Sunday Conversation. I personally don't give a shit about any of this, and I've gathered from other respectable baseball fans that the majority of you don't give a shit, either.

The whole thing doesn't make any sense to me. ESPN's second biggest attraction is certainly the MLB, and for them to continuously sabotage the game with this negative, unpopular coverage boggles my mind. We'll be reading about it. We'll be watching it. We'll be submerged in it whether we like it or not. Canseco's latest literary accomplishment isn't just a book. It's a dark cloud looming over baseball -- unfortunately the MLB and the media appear to love a good thunderstorm.

#2: Elijah Dukes Raped My Roommate
I gotta be honest... it was really weird. I got home one night at like 3am, totally hammered. A buddy of mine invited me to a 181 cup beer-pong tournament. By the time it was over I could barely breathe. I digress. Anyway, I get back and the TV is on, front door is open, and my roommate is nowhere to be found. I head upstairs to our bedrooms and hear a strange, strange sound coming from his. Naturally, I assumed he had a night similar to mine only he was lucky enough to get a girl to come home with him.

Trying not to disturb anyone, I tip-toed into the bathroom and started to brush my teeth. As soon as he was able to hear my presence, the guy starts screaming "Help! Help!" For a split second I considered the notion that they were just doing some kinky shit, but with that I heard the sound of glass breaking and was instantly petrified.

I opened the door, and he's just laying there under the covers. Not blinking, not moving. Looks to be alive, but in the same way those wax models do. The window, amazingly, wasn't shattered. The hole in it bared a striking resemblance to Damon Wayans' character in the film Blankman.

I offered to call the police but he would have none of it -- too embarrassing I guess. About a week later I was finally able to get it out of him that Elijah Dukes was his rapist. Dukes is 0 for 2 on the season.

#1: The Detroit Tigers
Talk about over-hyped. I realize that the majority of this entry has been about the meaninglessness of April baseball, and the Tigers early failures are not entirely emblematic of what's to come. Still, I'm really enjoying it. I'm sticking with my prediction that Dontrelle Willis will be in the bullpen by August. The Tigers are better than how they've played thus far, but there's no reason for me to deviate from my original opinion that they are an overrated ballclub. Their pitching is so mediocre it's laughable, and yes the offense improved, but not enough to make up for that rotation. For the love of God, will someone please tell me what Jeremy Bonderman has ever done? They're going to win around 88 games this season. Not 98 like the rest of baseball would have you believe.

These early failures from Detroit are entertaining. I have a good amount of buddies who are, for whatever reason, die hard Indians fans. I hope I'm not lumped into that group. I'm just an outsider who never saw where the love was coming from. The Indians are a better ball club and I'm looking forward to seeing that play out throughout the rest of this 2008 baseball season.

Let's Change Everything That Isn't Broken

2008-04-18T15:08:00.000-04:00

I was peacefully sitting in my mom's basement (No, seriously. I really was) watching ESPN when 1st and 10 came on. Can't wait to see what their hard-hitting analysis is today. Then they dropped the bomb on me. SUDDEN DEATH OVERTIME IN BASEBALL!

Now, I don't want to be like super-blogger-dude and attack ESPN and take stances against them just because it's the "cool" thing to do. I don't like ESPN, but I still watch it all the time so what credibility do I have? However, this crosses a line. Not because baseball is America and if you don't like it you support terrorism, but come the fuck on. Why even talk about this? Why lead off with this? Why talk in rhetorical form?

So, after I cleaned up my puke I settled in to listen to what these "experts" had to say on this hard pressing issue that is ripping apart the sanctity of American athletics. Brother vs. brother on the issue of one 22-inning baseball game ruining everything. Horrible, horrible stuff. Today, 1st and 10 was trotting out their A-team of Skip Bayless and two black guys named Stewart or something. Skip gets things started off with suggesting that there be extra outs or some stupid shit like that. I kind of blacked out. I don't remember everything he said. He then goes on to talk about how it's "unfair to the fans" in subjecting them to 22 inning games. Fair? Who's the fucking nihilist here? What are you a bunch of fucking crybabies? Anyone who stayed for that game will talk about how they saw San Diego and Colorado play for 22-innings in April of 2008 until they die. How is that unfair? This isn't Soviet Russia. These people could have left whenever they wanted to. But some didn't and they saw the longest baseball game since 1993. They also got to see who won. Live. In person. Good things come to those who wait.

Next up came one of the black guys. He has the best suggestion I've ever heard. Home. Run. Derby. Jesus. Fucking. Christ. The shootout in hockey is bad enough. Oh wait, we're talking about ESPN here. HATE HOCKEY! NO ONE CARES ABOUT IT! LISTEN TO US! Home run derby? I'm speechless really. I can't even rip this apart. I'm in shock.

Finally, the second black dude serves as the voice of reason. He says why change anything? I stood up and applauded this to which my mom yelled down asking what I was doing. I simply responded with "Blogging, Ma! Send down more sandwiches!" However, after this brief moment of enlightenment, the first black dude accuses the second, far smarter black dude of being "a baseball purist". When did "baseball purist" and "not totally retarded" become the same thing? Better question, when did being labeled a baseball purist become the equivalent of the scarlet letter? He then goes on to elaborate on how this was the 9th longest game in history and it doesn't happen everyday so who really cares? I'll tell you who cares, black man. The world. That's who. ESPN told me so. End this conversation now generic white host from Ohio whose name escapes me.

After all this I settled back down, catching my breath and replaying this incident in my head over and over again. Trying to wrap my mind around what I just witnessed. For a second I thought maybe I had dreamt this whole thing and that there is now way this could all be happening in reality. But before I got too comfortable they went after their second topic. Red Sox-Yankees. Surprise, surprise. But that is another topic altogether. They were talking specifically about how Kyle Farnsworth threw at Manny Ramirez after he hit two home runs. Second black dude, who I once held in high regard, reminds me that he is an employee of ESPN. He accuses Kyle Farnsworth of being on steroids because he is angry. He uses "roid rage" as the reasoning behind this wild accusation. He even goes so far as to start it off with "He wasn't named in the Mitchell Report but..." This has gotten out of hand. Mom, I broke the TV in your basement. I'm sorry. Take it out of my allowance.

'Melo, DUI, and MMORPG's

2008-04-16T19:05:00.000-04:00

All of this fuss about Carmelo Anthony getting preferential treatment, to me, holds no ground. Columnists, talking heads, and bloggers are all tearing apart 'Melo (whereas the blame should be pointed directly at the Denver Police Department) for his irresponsible behavior and lack of civic duty as the face of a franchise. Each of them says the same thing:

"How can he risk his career and life by driving under the influence"

- No arguments here. Anyone who gets behind the wheel takes this very risk no matter if you are a Nugget, Norseman, or ninth grade teacher

"Why doesn't he just hire a driver to drive him around?"

-Anyone who has ever drank with any regularity knows that you can accomplish any task, regardless or how sophomoric or stupid it is while drinking. Of course Carmelo's multi-million dollar contract and Nike shoe contract lend itself to the thinking that he could easily afford to have a driver on standby, but we are talking to a man who is engaged to someone who is best remembered for not letting the skanks on Flavor of Love throw shoes at her (http://www.tvgasm.com/archives/flavor_of_love/003064.php?page=last). So how seriously can we take that?

"He is a NBA superstar (arguable, yet I'll digress) and his team is on the cusp of a playoff berth. How can he do this to his team? How can he do this to his city? And how can he do this to me?"

-Yes, Carmelo has resonisibility to his team. And in terms of responsibility, for that question, thats really all he has to account for. Considering that the Nuggets need to win (and Mav's loss) on the final regular season night to go from playing the Lakers (probably not winning) to the Hornets (could win) it's safe to say that having an offensive prescense like Carmelo would be in the positive department. Carmelo has as many ties to the city of Denver as a Deliotte consulant does to the city he is stationed in. He works there and thats it. He hasn't accomplished anything since arriving and the pairing with The Answer has been above average. and thats being kind. If the Baltimore Bullets still existed, he would have ties. Even in moderatley sized town of Syracuse, he would have ties. Atleast he chose to go there. He did not choose to go to Denver, it happened to him. And if you are the fan who feels like he owes it to you to be a stand up citizen and player, next time you see him just thank him. Thank him for entertaining you. Thank him for letting you in his world. Thank him for being the subject of ridicule (not in the DUI sense, he deserves that. In the basketball sense) And if you are a Syracuse fan who for some reason still feels a connection to a player you watched for 7 months, 5 years ago and now plays in a city 2500 miles away thank Carmelo for leading your team to a national championship. On second though, thank Hakin Warrick for blocking Kirk Hinrich's shot, because that baby was going in.

-I have alot of free time at work these days so I have been fiercly following my Yahoo! Fantasy Sports team. My basketball team was an auto draft so I feel no real connection to them. Miguel Cabrera is on my baseball team if that says anything, and I did a fantasy golf just for kicks. While I was looking on the message board for tips at the Masters (which was semi-serious, semi-wanting to see how seriously people took Yahoo! Fantasy Golf) I came across this link. http://goallineblitz.com/game/home.pl. Yes my friends, a MMORPG (massive multiplayer online role playing game) where you create a football player and he 'levels up' according to all kinds of different processes too nerdy to explain. And yes, I did create a player. His name is Ax Johnson, and he's a hard hitting free safety. I wish my name was Ax Johnson. I even got a message in regards to being on a team! Looks like on Monday I am going to be signed! Yea!!!!! God I'm such a hypocrite, I know I'll be looking at this website for my 'stats' daily and trying to lead the league in interceptions.

My Conversation With Candy

2008-04-14T22:46:00.000-04:00

So this will be my first post to this blog and somehow it's not going to be sports related. I'd like to tell you my posts are going to get better, I'd like to tell that Andy fought the good fight and the sisters never bothered him again, but I can't- so this will probably be the best you're going to get.

Recently I've had some health issues. Nothing major, I had some gall stones and got my gallbladder removed, but I thought I would recount the highlights experience here in this blog.

Saturday, April 4th, 3:30 a.m. -- After a night of wing eating and beer drinking, I notice my stomach had started to develop some cramping. I find this odd and quickly find myself quite sick. The sickness is strange and not typical of your normal bout with alcohol poisoning or bad wingy's. It continues to get worse and I realize this might actually be a serious problem, I wasn't quite sure of where your appendix is, but I'm pretty sure it's in your stomach and didn't want to die from something stupid like that. So I decide I should head to the hospital, which in my head is quite a pussy move. Not wanting pull a total bitch move, I decide I'm going to drive myself there despite intense pain and dehydration that is making me kind of faint. I realize this probably isn't the best decision, but at the time I'm still not sure what's wrong with me so I'd rather pass out behind the wheel than make someone drive me to the hospital for a bad case of food poisoning.

Anyways...I have gallstones etc...need to have it out and have surgery the next week. Better than the alternative I'm told which is kidney stones.

General anesthesia is fucking weird. If you've never had it, it's hard to explain. You go from being completely alert to comatose for hours in a matter of seconds. This is really the only part of my surgery that is worth retelling. I've never understood how dreams work and I realize the combination of pain, pills and whatever weird shit the doctor was doing to me could easily fuck with my mind quite a bit. However, while I was under anesthesia I visited with dead comedian John Candy.

Why John Candy? I don't know. I like the dude, think he's pretty funny and watch Uncle Buck whenever it shows up on TV, but can confidently say he is not part of my regular thought process. What made it even weirder was the conditions of the meeting. I appeared to be visiting the set of one of his movies with a person I'd never met before (they seems like a production assistant or something.) Once we got on set was the part that really disturbed me, Candy was a complete fucking mess. He seemed to be at his heaviest weight, easily inching close to 400 lbs and was rocking that beard he had in Wagons East. On top of that, he was in a really shitty mood, screaming about something and generally scaring everyone on set. The P.A. I was with finally introduced me to him, but I was quickly pushed aside by Candy who had clearly had other things on his mind. At this point I turned to the stranger I was with to say, "why is John Candy such a dick?" I guess I said this too loudly and next thing I know people were rushing me off the set claiming John Candy wanted to fight me.

Waking up from anesthesia is perhaps the weirdest part. You have no memory of what happened, but you have a bunch of shit hooked up to you and a decent amount of pain. Basically, it's like Dany Heatley's sunday mornings (That's not that good of joke, but it's easy so I took it.) Anyways, the nurse pops a vicodin in my mouth and asks if I know what's going on. All I can ask is that she keep that maniac John Candy away from me. I assume she is quite confused by this, so she asks how much pain I'm having on a scale of 1-10. I'm starting to come to a little bit more, but am still pretty fucked up so I decide to get philosophical. I tell the 30-something nurse it's hard to rate my pain because I'm unsure of the true definition of pain. How can I evaluate my pain when I can't understand the pain of others?

At some point, they decided they've had enough of me and I'm wheeled out and released to the care of my mom. I appear to be good and healthy to make better posts than this one in the future. Thank Jesus.

The More you Know

2008-04-03T16:23:00.000-04:00

Anyone who follows sports, even marginally, has been exposed to the steroid isue in Major League Baseball. Jose Canseco's book, "Juiced" confirmed what many fans had already suspected about the concept of steroids and baseball. For many, this was a devastating allegation and it opened up a can of worms, the effects of which we are still feeling today. It may not be possible to grasp the full scope of this scandal for many years to come. I, for one, thought that the majority of the finger-pointing would be settled after the Mitchell Report was released, but apparently our good friend and snitch Jose Canseco wasn't finished; a fact he made apparent recently when he mentions in his new book (?!) that he passed along the name of a steroid supplier to Mr. April, Alex Rodriguez. Even though there is a possibility that this is true, I have some problems with both the timing and placement of this new rumor.

When I first heard the news on ESPN, my thought was "Why is this coming out now, as opposed to two years ago? Did Canseco not even read his own book?" I assumed (my first mistake) that "Juiced" would have detailed all of Canseco's dealing with steroids, who he hung out with and how it all went down. I thought, was he walking down an aisle at Barnes and Noble, saw his face on a cover and decide to give it a shot? What was it like a few months later when he stormed into the MLB offices, slammed the book down on a table and say "Guys, I just finished this and guess what I found out? Yeah, I guess I mentioned A-Rod too. Let's take this to the papers."

As I learned more about the allegation I realized that this wasn't some passed over blurb in a previous book, but a topic of a new book that he is writing, which makes even less sense than him not reading his own book. Why make a new book? Books can have as many pages as the author wants. He didn't need to stop at 290. He could have kept going if he had something more to say. How many more pages would he have needed to include A-Rod? Five? Ten? Why not make that first book an even 300? This isn't the Lord of the Rings. Actually, it would be better of it was, because then Canseco could feel free to add monsters, lasers and pirates. When will he complete the trilogy, since that seems to be where he's heading. When will we see "Mark Mcguire and the adventure of the used syringe"? I find it hard to believe that while Canseco was sitting in his log cabin typing "Juiced" on his typewriter he was thinking to himself "Well, I want to unearth all of baseball's secrets for my own gain, but the world isn't ready to hear the whole story. I'll systematically reveal things over four years."

I have alot of problems with the way Canseco and Baseball have handled things in general. We're in the day and age of movies and television and he decides to write a bok. Baseball should have revealed the accused steroid users in the way that "Lost" revealed the Oceanic 6. Every week one more steroid user would be revealed and then Bud Selig and Canseco would have a podcast confirming that the athlete was a steroid user and give hints about the next week's reveal. That's something that want to watch.

Dunlop, You Stink!

2008-03-31T17:23:00.001-04:00

This is Fire Reggie Dunlop. Here we will talk about stuff, mostly sports. The chances of this blog succeeding or lasting longer than 3 months are remote.