FRD's Roast of Michael Phelps

A new segment here at FRD which is still in the "testing" phase or "beta" phase, whichever you prefer.  We're going to do roasts of figures in sports whether it be athletes, coaches, teams, or even fans. Ideally, you will see all of FRD contributors writing on these, but for the time being we're still working out the kinks...

Our first roast is of olympic hero, Michael Phelps.  It might be hard to make fun of the greatest olympic athlete of all-time, but we found away.  Keep in my we roast out of love, and have a lot of respect for Mr. Phelps despite what we say below.  

Roast starts here....

8 gold medals…Jesus Christ …you’ve got more gold around your neck than a new jersey jew. 

 Way to pick a fag sport like swimming, It’s no wonder you’re dad isn’t around. 

 I hear he’s a cop in Baltimore…what more likely to put him in an early grave some crackhead with a gun or you finally coming out of the closet. 

 But you really are quite the swimmer; you’ve spent more time in the water than Bill Shatner’s wife….The chlorine has left your eyes more permanently blood shot than Snoop dogs. 

So you’re the greatest Olympic athlete of all-time…that’s terrific… The weed smoking bobsled team, the AIDS infected diver, and roided up runners, you’ve outshined them all….what an outstanding accomplishment. 

We’re so blessed with swimmers in the US..I mean we’ve had Mark Spitz and now you, Michael Swallows….it’s a rich tradition.  

I hear you eat over 12,000 calories a day…damn that’s impressive…I had no idea Bob Costas’ dick was so fattening. 

Bob's laughing it up.

You’ve been a great ambassador for your sport…you’ve introduced swimming to more minorities than hurricane Katrina.

 But hey man, you and me…we’re not so different….

You spent time in ann arbor going to school….I spent some time in your sister going to school. 

You’ve beaten the French in competition…I’ve beaten a French guy in a bar fight. 

You have a great rivalry with an Australian celebrity…sometimes I pretend to be a Australian celebrity to pick up drunk chicks.....

 Guy walks in a bar …Bartender says what’ll you have? Guy says give me a Michael Phelps.  Bartender says what’s that?  Guy says “it’s a tall boring drink of water, that girls love for some unexplainable reason and occasionally guys get caught slurping on it.”

The thing I like most about you Mike is you’re not a swimmer, you’re so much more than that and I can see much more success in your future…I’m sure that skill of holding your breath underwater will come in handy in your future.  

I hear you’ve made over 100 million dollars in your career…more than of any your contemporaries…that’s way more than Corky kid made or that kid from Mask. 

 So let me get this straight (unlike your sexuality)….for a living you have to wear goggles, barely wear any clothes and shower right after to clean up….are you swimming or making bukkake videos for a living?

I got a question you elitest bitch; you ever make fun of another swimmers stroke?  Not in the pool but in the circle jerks you fags have after. ….That bleach smell in arena aint the chlorine folks…

You packed in 8 races in 7 days…beating your old record of packing 7 dudes in 7 days…where do you find the time.

So your mom thought you were hyper as a kid and threw you in a pool to burn off some energry…what is that from the susan smith school of parenting?

So Phelps in closing I salute and I congratulate you… you’ve left a lasting legacy and like you said, “left if all in the water.” Although that floater was not very appreciated by the Chinese.  

"Grrrrrr"-Chinese Guy

See You Next Tuesday: Olympic Edition

Sorry it's been a couple weeks with no See You Next Tuesday, but with no further ado, the Olympic Edition...

Brett Favre Brett Feavre Brett Favre Brettt Favre Brett Favre Brett Favre Brett Favre

Anyone else sick of that name? I took the day off of work today to take care of some other things and I spent the morning writing and watching ESPN because the only other thing on television was a test pattern for a public access station. I switched to the test pattern after about ten minutes. I already have a general dislike for the way ESPN presents sports coverage and today was no different as I was subjected to the Brett Favre Off-season Soap Opera.

Apparently he has been reinstated and reported to training camp. Now the issue is whether the Packers will automatically make him the starter, leave it to an open competition or trade him. At this point the only possible winner in any event is Favre, who will get another chance to suit up and sling the pigskin around. By "win", I mean save face in the media, which will surround this situation until months after Favre retires again, which could be when Jesus comes back for all I know.

Although it's been discussed ad-nauseum, here's what I think is at stake with the advent of Brett Favre's return to football:
1) Brett Favre is a future hall of fame quarterback who enjoyed one of his best seasons last year. Whichever team he plays for expects that he will be able to duplicate the same type of performance for them and lead them to a superbowl.
2) Aaron Rodgers, who has been in the league for four years, will have his starting job put in jeopardy because Brett is comin' back. His career will be delayed until they get this issue settled.
3) The Green Bay organization has one of two choices to make - Make Brett Favre their starter or make him some other team's starter.

Look at issue number one- Brett's performance last year and how that's affected the situation. Last year was one of the best in his career. What statistics may not show is that he was beat on twice in cold weather situations, once against a below average Bears team (biased cackle) and again in the playoffs versus the Giants where he himself threw the interception that cost them the game. Favre is known for his ability to thrive in harsh weather conditions and there he was last year, falling short of the legend that precedes him. A prevalent arguement for the Giants game is that although his did throw that crucial interception, he was the reason they were in the NFC championship game anyway. That's nice and all, but the fact remains that the Packers lost their chance at a superbowl directly because of a mistake he made. There are many quarterbacks in the NFL who have their passing statistics follow them around like a scarlet letter. Yet somehow the league leader in career interceptions is immune to this harsh criticism.
Nobody can predict that Favre will have the season he had last year and not have the season he had two or three years ago when the Packers were bottom feeders and he was initially mulling over retirement.

Any team that makes Brett Favre their starter, whether it be the Packers or the Vikings or whoever, has to make the Superbowl. Brett Favre has to return to a Superbowl to validate all of this chaos. If Brett starts and the team he plays for doesn't make the playoffs or loses a divisional game or the NFC Championship game again, then what was the point? (insert team) wants Brett Favre to be their starter because in their minds they will instantly become superbowl contenders. Otherwise you just acquired a better version of Jeff Garcia, with all of the ensuing "Should I retire today or five years from today" conversations.

P.S. - The Bears have come up as a possible landing place for Favre because of our current quarterback situation. Because the only problem we ever have is at quarterback. I don't want Favre on the team, but it would be nice to see him struggle in Chicago behind a shotty offensive line, a rookie running back and a questionable recieving staff. I think Favre coming to the Bears would be the best thing to happen to Grossman.

As for point number two, I really would like to see Aaron Rodgers start for a team in the NFL. In a way, he has more to prove than anyone I can recall. He was a possible number one overall pick in the 2003 draft, only to snubbed by the 49ers and drop late into the first round into the Pakcers' hands. Alex Smith is struggling in San Fran and if Rodgers was able to make a name for himself other than as Favre's backup, it would be an interesting story that they overlooked him. Add in all of the Favre drama, and Rodgers has alot to overcome.

Shifting to point bumber three, I'm not sure how Ted Thompson and Mike Mccarthy don't drink themselves to sleep thinking about this and reading it in the newspaper. If Brett Favre comes back, plays for the Pack and takes them to a Superbowl, then boo-yeah. But if Favre comes back and starts to struggle, or feels like retiring again and quits mid season, then they are left with their hands on their dicks (each person would have their hand on their own dick, not someone else's). Or they trade him to a division rival (which in any situation in any sport is a bad idea) and he finds success there and the Packer fan base is upset yet again.

I can't wait for whatever fate has in store for this situation to unfold because it's hard to even want to follow sports when Favre is permeating all forms of the media. And I pray for the day when he can't hack it anymore or alzheimers makes him forget that he was a football player and he doesn't show up to camp.